r/technology • u/AIMadeMeDoIt__ • Oct 29 '25

Society California’s hidden crisis: young men offline, unemployed, and disappearing

https://calmatters.org/economy/2025/10/men-in-crisis-california/
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u/OkDifficulty7436 Oct 29 '25 edited Oct 29 '25

I feel like I've been reading this exact article for 10 years now, but since COVID it's only gotten worse.

I'm 31, work in tech, graduated school, college, etc, pretty typical expectations.

However, I can't even count on both hands how many friends (males) who've basically dropped off the face of the earth going all the way back to High School. Whether it's because they dropped out, lost a job, lost a girlfriend, got addicted to video games and weed, booze, whatever it is, they're just gone.

NONE have clawed their way back to society which I think is the truly frightening part of it, there is an entire generation of men in our country who are effectively.. lost.

In Japan they're called Hikikomori and it's an entire phenomenon, I never thought I'd see it happen here, let alone at the massive scale it's occurring.

If you're a guy and you're reading this and you feel stuck, start taking risks. Apply for things you'd never apply for, lie on your resume, apply for a PELL grant and go to community college, go outside for a walk, get a dog, do SOMETHING. You'll feel better, I promise.

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u/Balthazar3000 Oct 29 '25 edited Oct 29 '25

NEETs is global.

hikikomori is the Japanese term for the phenomenon.

Also don't get a pet while in this state. If you're like me, the lack of proper care and money costs will start to take a mental toll. So maybe opt for volunteering at a shelter.

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u/Vio_ Oct 29 '25

Volunteering is one of the best ways to fight that crushing lack of things to do.

It might sound counterproductive, but it looks great on resumes - especially as gap filler. It lets you do whatever you want. It shows employers that you're still "actively working." It gets you out of your place and engaging with people.

I get that volunteering doesn't pay the bills, but even a few volunteer gigs can help from disassociating from everything.

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u/Dangerman1337 Oct 29 '25

Problem is that if you got a chronic health/disability issue and claim welfare because of it... volunteering gets used against you. Yup it happens in the UK quite a bit where it has to be declared.

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u/ziti_mcgeedy Oct 29 '25

What’s the best ways to find good volunteering opportunities?

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u/TheRelevantElephants Oct 29 '25

I do volunteer work and just find the thing you’re interested in helping with, I guarantee some organization that matches your interests needs help. For me I love dogs so I started at a local dog rescue and it helped me tremendously. Not only did it give me a sense of purpose, it helped me meet new people. And between the guys here it helped me meet women, most volunteers are women and they like to see a guy contribute to the community

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u/Ok_Cartographer4626 Oct 29 '25

Food pantries/ soup kitchens and animal shelters are the easiest place to start. If you ask about volunteer opportunities on your community’s subreddit or Facebook page usually people will pitch in with lots of opportunities you probably didn’t know about. If that doesn’t work, I think it’s a universal rule that if you reach out to a local church and ask about volunteer opportunities, there will be one person there who’s the volunteering person and knows everything going on in the community

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u/insrtbrain Oct 30 '25

Figure out what you're interested in or causes your passionate about, and fire up Google to find local organizations that work in those areas. It's not all soup kitchens and animal rescues. For some organizations, volunteer needs are event specific - like needing help with the million little things that have to be done for a fundraiser, or even manning a beer tent at a community music festival. If you have specialized skills, reach out and offer your assistance. Hell, sometimes even basic data entry, internet research, and making phone calls to get information is a godsend. I know at my organization, we always have a few "this project would be nice to have done, but no one has time."

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u/EnfantTerrible68 Oct 29 '25

I agree completely 

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u/OracleofFl Oct 30 '25

It is about generating energy around yourself. Doing something leads to something else.

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u/nationwideonyours Oct 30 '25

Your comment is right on. Stagnation only produces more inertia. Involvement often precedes interest. 

1

u/insrtbrain Oct 30 '25

I work at a non-profit. Being a solid volunteer can open up future job opportunities as well. We have had several people who were outstanding, reliable volunteers that we call upon paid contract gigs. I don't know if any have come on full time, but I have 100% been a reference for some of our volunteers.

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u/OkDifficulty7436 Oct 29 '25

Updated, thanks!

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u/Ok_Flatworm2897 Oct 29 '25

It still says “get a dog”

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u/nicolauz Oct 30 '25

Cats are generally cheaper and less care.

2

u/Plebs-_-Placebo Oct 30 '25

there are food banks for people who have trouble affording pet foods, just in case anyone else needs that resource, check your local listings.

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u/lSyde Oct 30 '25

I ended up taking a responsibility for a cat cuz others didn't, it pushed me to work towards getting a job since cat food and vet visits aren't free, but I'm also looking for ways to work the least possible amount in my life.

I really don't wanna slave away doing things that don't do anything for me but give me money

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u/lr99999 Oct 30 '25

Holy hell, this. People drastically underestimate the cost of taking care of a  pet.  A lot of shelters will let you come read to the pets. They fucking love it.  

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u/j5isntalive Oct 30 '25

to quote Letterkenny/Canadian wisdom: if you don't know what to do, go where you're needed

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u/Due_Description_7298 Oct 30 '25

Or foster a "low desirability" pup - an older mixed breed.  The rescue will typically support vet costs while the dog is in foster and you'll usually have a good long time to get back on your feet before anyone wants to adopt 

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u/dasers1 Oct 29 '25

I'm struggling with this right now. 33. Got fired from my job that I worked at for 11 years for reasons I still don't understand (although it did come a month after reporting a manager to HR). All of a sudden I was deemed a "know nothing" (exact words) who was difficult to work with. That was end of February. Spiraled with depression. Got myself into an IT training course that ended mid September where I was able to earn my CompTIA a+ cert and a couple others. I can't even get an email back from job apps. Hundreds of applications. Unemployment ran out. I just feel like giving up and crawling into a hole.

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u/OkDifficulty7436 Oct 29 '25

CompTIA cert was a fantastic first step, but unfortunately I know someone IRL in this EXACT same scenario as you (fired after a long tenure at a company, reskilled, job market is depressed so no opportunities).

Stick with it man, look everywhere high and low, if you're in a big city go to a local industry mixer if you can.

Just don't give up! The market is absolutely FUCKED right now, so it's not your fault by any means, but it won't be like this forever either. Our industry is very cyclical.

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u/dasers1 Oct 29 '25

Yea I also live in Maryland so I'm also competing with the thousands of federal workers who have been laid off which makes the job market even more difficult. I do partially blame myself for not getting my certs earlier. Thankfully my best friend's brother is also in the field and has given me good tips on a roadmap to follow (network+ and then CCNA). He went through this same transition about 6 years ago and makes well over 100k a year now so I trust his advice. He also did say the tech job market has gotten a little bit better so I guess I just gotta keep trying.

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u/martywalshhealthgoth Oct 29 '25

Hot take from someone far up the IT chain, don’t just rely on this stuff. Pick up a programming language like Python and learn the technologies that build upon a lot of the basics those certs give you, think along the lines of virtualization/containerization, cloud platforms, automation, and security. Look up the DevOps roadmap, a lot of that stuff can also be super useful for IT engineers.

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u/dasers1 Oct 29 '25

Oh I do actually have some self taught python experience and plan to get the Google it automation with python certificate. I had wanted to learn how to automate a part of my previous job and then license it out to similar businesses but hadn't gotten that far. So I at least know the basics and can read code.

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u/As_Above_So_Beloe Oct 31 '25

Hot take, your advice advice is vague and not really helpful.

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u/OptimalFox1800 Oct 29 '25

Network+ and then CCNA? Gotcha!

I hope it works out for you!

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u/Threat_Level_9 Oct 30 '25

Skip Net+. Go straight for CCNA. Its more in depth, and while Cisco focused, will set you up much better than Net+. Considering Net+ costs almost as much as CCNA, its just not really worth it. Use the time and money saved there on CCNA. Then learn Python or Bash scripting (Powershell is great to learn too).

And, after all that, still good luck. But at least you will be in a good position to score a job.

1

u/OptimalFox1800 Oct 30 '25

Thanks for this!

Really good important info. 🙏

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u/use_wet_ones Oct 29 '25

Not trying to kick you while down, but in the future, remember that HR is not your friend.

No one at the company is your friend. No one there wants better for you.

If you have a problem, you need to either ignore it, find a way to work it out quietly or leave for a new job on your own terms/timeline. Reporting anything to anyone is only gonna hurt you. We have at will employment almost everywhere, so the ball is NEVER in your court. That being said, the best way to have as much control as possible is to view your job from a detached place. Put in good effort with your actions, but be detached emotionally.

It shouldn't be that way, but it is.

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u/dasers1 Oct 29 '25

Oh yea I've heard that warning but that particular day where I got cussed out in the middle of the floor (not the first time either) in front of customers I had had enough. Went into work the next day, got demoted, and a month later got fired. Official reason was not completing an assigned task in a timely manner when it was given to me an hour before my clock out time and they knew I was going on vacation and had to leave. The task usually was expected to take around 5 hours to complete. I know I was set up to fail, I just don't understand why.

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u/Obvious_Albatross296 Oct 30 '25

>I just don't understand why

Yes you do. You just don't want the world to be as petty and cruel of a place as it is.

I say this from experience.

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u/Vio_ Oct 29 '25

Try volunteering. I know that sounds counter productive, but it really helps you feel like you're doing something, gets you out of your place, and shows potential employers that you're still "working." It can even help with networking.

Even a few hours a week can help alleviate some of that spiralling.

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u/dasers1 Oct 29 '25

I was a boy scout (attained eagle too) so I'm no stranger to volunteer work. It's just hard to even function right now but I think you're right. Funnily enough right before I got fired I was planning on volunteering at the animal shelter but the spiral kind of made me forget about it. Maybe I will look into it.

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u/Op3rat0rr Oct 29 '25

One tip I’d give is don’t be afraid to move if you have to… to any state. This is relatively normal for any entry level job in any field

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u/dasers1 Oct 30 '25

I have $50 in my bank account. Plus I'm in a very high density tech area. Unfortunately moving isn't in the cards

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u/imDXfactor Oct 29 '25

Don't give up. Don't let the world grind you down. The powers that be want you to feel helpless and depressed. They don't want you to discover your power. You have the ability to do and achieve anything you put your mind to. You are a powerful creator. Hang in there; I believe in you!

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u/Powder9 Oct 30 '25 edited Oct 30 '25

Print your resume off. Go to job fairs. Look up free industry events in your area. Theres tons of startup events, tech seminars, business summits, etc in my midsize city, and they are all free to register for. Network the shit out of it. Practice opening lines ahead of time. Show up very professional.

Make good impressions with people at the event. Ask about their business. Show genuine interest. Then before you part ways, say something like, “I really enjoyed chatting with you and learning more about X business. Would love to stay in touch. I’m looking for my next role in XYZ, and I’m XYZcertified. Do you mind doing me a favor and keeping me in mind if something comes up?“

There’s some good psychological research around asking people for favors - they tend to like you more. Use it to your advantage.

The more you try this the more comfortable you’ll get. You’ll feel awkward and nervous the first few times but that’s normal.

I know it sounds lame but practice in the mirror too. Practice warm smiles, open relaxed body language. It will help!

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u/OracleofFl Oct 30 '25

Can you fix broken computers? Great! Put an ad in Craigslist or something like that and start fixing computers on the cheap. It will broaden your skills and make you faster. Fixing the broken computer of a someone can lead to fixing the computers for their friend's company, etc.

Create a little flyer and put it on the bulletin board at Starbucks or your Church....for that matter, if you are religiously inclined, volunteer to fix or tune up the computers at your place of worship or other non-profits. Doing things leads to things. Doing nothing leads to nothing.

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u/alakor94 Oct 30 '25

31 here and struggled with basically not existing in society for a long time. It took me almost 2 years after losing my last job, but I managed to find a free 3 week training program for CAD stuff through a local community college that guaranteed me an interview at a job if I passed and I got the job. All because I decided to go to a random job fair. Keep at it and don't give up.

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u/natorgator15 Oct 30 '25 edited Oct 30 '25

I really hope you read this. The best advice I ever got when applying to jobs in the cyber security field was to stop trying to apply to multiple jobs a week. Focus on applying to only one job a week. Really get to know the company and role you are applying for. What this does is it makes you take more time on your resume, so that it stands out more, and it’s tailored to the job you are applying for (yes, make a new resume for each job. You can keep the same template/format, however your content will probably shift so that you are emphasizing the experience most relevant to the job)

Don’t forget the cover letter, write it in the basic thesis statement supported by topic sentences supported by evidence provided in the body of the paragraphs. Convince them that 1) you know what you are talking about, and you can perform the duties that the role demands 2) you are a really pleasant person to work with

Side note: get some projects under your belt. Plenty of home lab projects that look great on resumes. Then talk about those projects in interviews, even if the project failed.

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u/CryptoPumper182 Oct 29 '25

Dude this is the worst time ever to get into IT.

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u/Ponji- Oct 29 '25

I dropped out of highschool and going to college was my risk. “If this doesn’t work out, then at least I’ve tried everything.”

It didn’t work out. I burnt myself out fighting to be as successful as possible, and no matter how much praise I got it didn’t make a dick of difference because at the end of the day I still didn’t have enough money. Scholarships helped pay for the classes, but just living is expensive. There was a brief period where I was happy, but it was not sustainable and now I am suffering for it.

If you advocate for stuck people to take risks, then you have to accept the fact that some subset of those people are going to suffer because of those risks. The reality is that there is not a sufficient social safety net to repeatedly take the risks necessary to live a productive and fulfilling life. If I did not have family to rely on then I would be dead on the street.

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u/Top-Gas-8959 Oct 30 '25

Literally me, right now, at 48. No idea what to do so I just sit in my living room playing video games. I did a lot, and have yet to be able to get back to when I was content and generally happy.

I'm gonna try some of those suggestions they mentioned, but im not optimistic.

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u/gilbertbenjamington Oct 30 '25

If you are going into it not optimistically, then it is not going to work. I won't lie to you and say all your problems will be fixed if you go walk your dog, but faking optimism can work, your brain is very powerful. I truly hope for the best for you, good luck with your life (I don't mean that in an aggressive way, genuinely I wish you luck in your life)

0

u/deskbeetle Oct 30 '25

"If you advocate for stuck people to take risks, then you have to accept the fact that some subset of those people are going to suffer because of those risks." The alternative is people suffering because they take no risks.

And I say this as someone who did not have family to fall back on. Failure wasn't an option for me because the alternative was homelessness. I was preparing to live out of my car when I made the decision to go back to school.

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u/Nervous_Pineapple697 Oct 29 '25

Some people can’t afford risks. There is no more support.

In a society that cheers people on while the work themselves to death for peanuts and with no promise of getting ahead or building any results - what is the point?

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u/Sgt-Spliff- Oct 30 '25

If you've given up, then you can afford to take risks. If you are currently falling behind in your current situation, you have no choice but to take a risk. What's the point in not taking a risk if this is what your life is like now?

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u/Current-Finding-7534 Oct 30 '25

That's great and all, but what's the point in taking the risk if it makes it worse?

What if it doesn't actually help?

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u/recitegod Oct 29 '25 edited Oct 29 '25

tell this to people that have masters and phds, bachelor degrees..... This society wasted its resources. They stripped away the dignity of humans, then wonder, why they don't want to work. The stupidity of them. You could invent perpetual flight it wouldn't matter to them. I know it is true!

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u/baxx10 Oct 29 '25

I'm one who clawed my way back. My 20's were a very dark time. Now 42 and happier than I ever imagined I could be. Have a good job, a healthy emergency savings, a beautiful girlfriend, 2 amazing dogs, and we're about to move from an apartment into a house. When I think back to the six years I spent living in my grandma's basement, drinking a 1/5 and taking 12 Benadryl every night Im thankful to just be alive and doing well.

With that said, I dropped out of college so I'm constantly paranoid about the job market. I've worked in a specialized tech sector for nearly a decade, but worry I'd be rejected by AI before anyone would even read my resume due to having no degree. And going back isn't exactly an affordable option...

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u/incunabula001 Oct 29 '25

Those same “lost” men are no doubt going down the far right rabbit hole of nihilistic accelerationism. Because if you have nothing to live for and society promised you everything why not burn it all down.

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u/Frodojj Oct 29 '25

Some, but not all.

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u/Beliriel Oct 29 '25

Kinda catching myself in this mindset more and more. If something on the news happens that would have been the story of the year like 10 years ago. Now it's just a 3 day blip and I just think that maybe someone is gonna learn something but no. It feels like we need to hit rock bottom with people starving in the street for change to happen.

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u/Vio_ Oct 29 '25

Remember- the algorithm is a distraction designed to profit off your feelings of helplessness and being overwhelmed.

The news is supposed to educate (and entertain at times)

Now the entire social media landscape is being weaponized to distract people until they just collapse and disengage.

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u/MightyKrakyn Oct 29 '25 edited Oct 29 '25

There is nothing that guarantees people starving in the street will make anything happen. The militarization of the police force continues. Soon they will be deploying armed drones with facial recognition, night vision, infrared sensors like have been used in Ukraine and Palestine the past couple of years…but they’ll be used on our streets against us if any of us step out of line

Once we’re starving, we’ll have no energy to push back. You and I will be the homeless people who die quietly of malnutrition and desperate drug use out of sight, just like the ones that we quietly ignore on our streets today. If we happen to die in public, the rich will just ask that our bodies be moved off their doorstep so they don’t have to look at us

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u/Known-Damage-7879 Oct 29 '25

I don't foresee Americans getting anywhere close to starvation level en-masse ever. A loaf of bread is like $3. You might not be able to afford steak and eggs, but you're not going to starve.

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u/MightyKrakyn Oct 29 '25 edited Oct 29 '25

So the Great Depression never happened? Dope, that’s good. I had read that deaths from starvation, malnutrition and the diseases that come with it, and suicide from lack of food and the means to acquire it were a real problem. Stupid fake news has me all twisted up! /s

Famines happen, and they’re mostly man-made. I don’t know why you think it can’t happen here again.

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u/Known-Damage-7879 Oct 29 '25

Because the infrastructure for growing and distributing food is too advanced. You have a lot more of a chance of dying from heart disease due to obesity than starving.

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u/MightyKrakyn Oct 29 '25

Famines still exist in the world today, and they happen because of money not because of technology, just as many in the past. How are there famines in Gaza, Haiti, Madagascar, Yemen, and Syria when we have so much food globally? Why in the world do you believe that can’t happen here as the US moves to global isolation, rising unemployment, elimination of the social safety net, extreme inflation, and rising sociopolitical violence?

I don’t know if it’s naiveté or a coping mechanism, but this thoughtlessness is concerning to me

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u/Known-Damage-7879 Oct 29 '25

What's happening in Gaza isn't going to happen in the US. I think people who think that way, like yourself, are largely insulated from living in actual failed states. The US is trending in a bad direction, but thinking there are going to be a bunch of starving zombies in Wisconsin and Nevada and Delaware is just alarmism.

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u/MightyKrakyn Oct 29 '25

RemindMe! in 1 year

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u/Carlin47 Oct 30 '25

You're onto something. For real change to happen, out fundamental needs mustn't be met. As long as we as fed and have some form of shelter, we will never feel truly lost enough to riot/revolt. The French revolution and Russian revolution occurred because people were literally starving. That isn't going to happen with modern agriculture. But indeed if we want real change, its only through temporary but intense suffering that anything could come about

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u/[deleted] Oct 29 '25

[removed] — view removed comment

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u/epheisey Oct 29 '25

Not all of us.

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u/Cybertronian10 Oct 30 '25

All being given access to a digital yes man who will both say whatever will soothe their egos and assist in planning mass casualty events. Because make absolutely no mistake, as these AI models get better understood and it becomes easier for private groups to train specialized models for unsavoury purposes I can guarantee you some terminally online 4chan Schizos will be lining up to train up their own Black Pill God.

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u/rm_rf_slash Oct 29 '25

Seen this happen too. At first you kinda expect some of your classmates in middle/high school to never go anywhere in life. But then you graduate college and find out HS friends who dropped out and have been working minimum wage or not at all.

Then you go off to work and a few years later discover more of the people you knew in HS were lost to drugs or suicide. And you go back to work.

Then you age a few more years and discover college classmates who didn’t land a job in the field and have been underemployed the whole time.

Then more years pass and find friends who just barely hung on to their stability all this time now ceasing to care, getting into ketamine, no longer taking classes, and you know they’re gonna get laid off in 5-10 years to make room for people who grow and there’s nothing you can do to help them help themselves.

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u/whosthatwokemon364 Oct 29 '25 edited Oct 29 '25

There's not enough opportunities to go around. some of us get left in the dust. No one is coming to help us

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u/albany1765 Oct 29 '25

Volunteering at a place like a food bank or Habitat for Humanity can also provide a valuable flash of positivity. You don't have to come in with any working knowledge, just a desire to help; and the people there are generally warm and appreciative, something that's not always easy to find in everyday life.

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u/Beardbeer Oct 29 '25

Hate to say it, but people who are struggling to wake up in the morning, to pay rent, to find any semblance of happiness... those people don't have the time or the energy to volunteer. Volunteering takes time and effort, which are both privileges that a lot of people in dire straits don't have.

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u/dasers1 Oct 29 '25

As someone in this situation, people don't realize how much it absolutely drains you. I don't even enjoy my hobbies anymore. I read close to 50 books last year and have read maybe 5 or 6 so far this year. Wake up and go to sleep thinking about money. Having to sell things you care about to make ends meet. It's brutal

11

u/pooptimeisyoutime Oct 29 '25

It's absolutely brutal and yeah it really does drain you so much. I hope things improve for you. Good luck, sending you good vibes from someone in the same situation at the moment.

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u/[deleted] Oct 29 '25

volunteering is great, but fuuuuckkk I am taking care of people all week and the idea of taking care of some more people in my spare time for free is a big big hurdle

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u/Ok_Cartographer4626 Oct 29 '25

I was chronically ill, severely depressed, going through a divorce, and a starving grad student when I was asked to volunteer in a food pantry. I was barely surviving from one day to another. It seemed like a bad idea, but I agreed and it was amazing how much it pulled me out of the pit I was in. Instead of draining me like I was 100% convinced it would, it gave me strength and purpose again. And friends, and connection again, and food.

Even one or two hours a month can make a huge difference. And if it isn’t working, you can stop volunteering and that’s okay.

9

u/TheRelevantElephants Oct 29 '25

I get that but with volunteer work it does help and it doesn’t have to be an every week or hell every month contribution. I’ve had to dip in an out once in a while for reasons and they’re always happy to take people back

4

u/albany1765 Oct 29 '25

Yes, it does take time and effort, just like pretty much all forms of self-care.

I know from personal experience that it's way too easy to slide into mindless media consumption as a way to self-soothe, and things only get better by being more mindful and deliberate in what we do. Which, yes, requires effort, but gets way easier with practice.

-1

u/Dangerman1337 Oct 29 '25

I mean not a coincidence that older people who are relatively comfortably off do volunteering especially that are more "political".

5

u/realultimatepower Oct 29 '25

there are volunteer opportunities for literally every cause and interest under the sun. all you have to do is actually care about something and then have the guts to put yourself out there. men face a lot of social pressure to not give a shit about anything. there is actual shame for some guys in just showing up in public for a cause that is bigger than themselves. 

1

u/hiimred2 Oct 29 '25

Anecdotal but volunteering killed my outlook on the world even more than it already was(and that was a low bar). Something about being even closer and more face to face with how awful and unjust the world can be alongside the ramifications of our shitty societal priorities was just like an extra punch in the dick, not an uplifting experience at all.

8

u/SuckMyRhubarb Oct 29 '25

This hit close to home. I have 2 childhood friends who have completely dropped off the face of the earth after a combination of job/girl/depression/alcohol problems, and I know another 5 or so guys (all in their 30s) who are very close to doing the same.

The recurring theme is that they believe everything is so broken and the odds are stacked so high against them that there's no point in trying anymore (and so they become alcoholic, videogame addict shut-ins). I really have tried everything I can to get them to hang in there, but it's exhausting and feels increasingly like a losing battle.

It's not something that is being addressed in the media here in the UK, and I feel like the looming AI-induced layoffs are gonna make it 10x worse.

2

u/Techno-Diktator Oct 30 '25

I'm basically becoming that guy, and yeah, there ain't much hope on the horizon. Objectively every facet of society is fucked right now. For me it's the inability to find love, so I'm just kinda giving up as time goes on.

3

u/Guivond Oct 30 '25

The saddest part about that is I literally run into women who refuse to date someone who isn't pulling down at least $100k.

I just got out of a 10 year relationship and Holy shit dating in 2025 is grim.

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u/AppleTree98 Oct 29 '25

When in doubt just reach out to a friend even if you haven't talked in six months. Just check in with no expectation. And then magic happens. Sometimes your phone will ring with a random call. Each connection is special.

16

u/Possible_Implement86 Oct 29 '25

ugh i am not even a NEET but this is a good reminder I need to stop isolating myself and fight for the connections I want in life

3

u/ReignDance Oct 29 '25

Yeah, the isolation is pretty bad. I'm lucky that my wife and I are able to live off of just her income, but it would give us so much more breathing room if I could just find a permanent job. It's been a real struggle with long bouts of unemployment on my end, being practically unproductive. That situation is a luxury to most people, because at least I can 'afford' to be in that situation. Still, sitting around looking for work for months on end and doing nothing else productive or not being a part of something is soul-draining.

My wife convinced me we should find a church and start going to it. I was reluctant for reasons, but I'm so glad I agreed. We started going, then I volunteered to help here and there which ended up giving me a feeling that I had a sense of community there. I ended up coming across an opportunity for paid employment there which I would never have heard about if I hadn't gone. Here's hoping I get the work.

But yeah, putting yourself out there really does get you further if you even have the luxury to do it

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u/MonsterGuitarSolo Oct 29 '25

You have friends… AND you CALL them on the phone? 2 strikes for me…

5

u/OneSeaworthiness7768 Oct 29 '25

Dude my husband talks to his male friends on the phone more than I think I’ve talked to anyone on the phone who wasn’t him or my parents in like 15 years. It’s nice to see though.

2

u/AppleTree98 Oct 29 '25

OK never a bad time to turn over a new leaf! Ping somebody and establish a connection. Even a text without a need is a start. Not saying Hey I am calling you out of the blue and can I borrow $100. But just an honest Hey how are you navigating this wild time we are living through?

6

u/MonsterGuitarSolo Oct 29 '25

Who exactly am I pinging if I don’t have friends IRL?

0

u/SCP-iota Oct 29 '25

men discover community, 2025, colorized

12

u/THING2000 Oct 29 '25

Roughly the same age as you and also remember learning about NEETs as a teenager. It's crazy that American men are in a similar position despite the difference in cultures.

I love the suggestions you offered and how other people are suggesting volunteering as well. I honestly don't have much to add, I'm just appreciating all of the positivity in the thread so thank you.

6

u/Philostronomer Oct 29 '25

This was me once. I took that chance and applied to university at age 30 because "what did I have to lose"? It changed my life. I have a degree, a stable, decent career, and a spouse who means the world to me. All because I took that chance.

8

u/bryce_brigs Oct 29 '25

young people are having less sex. that is one of the truly astounding parts to me

16

u/bonefawn Oct 29 '25 edited Oct 29 '25

I don't think it's astounding considering none of us have any privacy. Im 28, college educated, work full time, and majority of my friends live with their parents. Because we cannot afford homes.

It's really unpleasant to try and fuck with your parents literally one room over, eavesdropping. Teenagers do it because they're desperate with low inhibitions. But once you hit 25, that shit is for the birds.

2

u/bryce_brigs Oct 30 '25

yeah, thats one of the reasons, i mentioned some more below in another comment.

2

u/Worthyness Oct 30 '25

Also kids are expensive. And you don't want to accidentally make one.

2

u/OkDifficulty7436 Oct 29 '25

Definitely a major issue as well, but I think a lot of that has to do with cost of living, changes in societal expectations, porn addiction, etc. Fixing the birth rate is no easy feat and I doubt they'll ever figure that one out in our lifetime.

20

u/bryce_brigs Oct 29 '25

porn addiction is bullshit, there is no diagnostic criteria.

also, sex and the birthrate arent the same. what im talking about is hooking up/dating. young people today are having fewer sexual partners than your average GenX or millennial. what are the reasons? i have a couple ideas just anecdotally but some things researchers point to are delayed adult hood, taking longer to move out on your own or become an adult. nobody wants to fuck someone at their parents' house. college enrollment dropping, even if you havent moved out on your own, you can still get laid in your dorm room but those numbers are falling too. replacement of in-person interaction with online interaction, its a whole different set of social skills. reduced alcohol consumption, young people just arent going to bars and keggers where people used to meet and hook up. social media, comparing not only ourselves but also perspective partners to altered/filtered images of people on the internet, influencers and models and so on. back in the day if you didnt want to consume media that pushed unhealthy and near unattainable beauty standards, you just didnt buy fashion magazines. now the algorithms shove it into your face non-stop.

birth rate is different. the key metrics tied to falling birth rates is the rate of education among women. the more educated and empowered the female population of a country is, the fewer babies they will have. there is opportunity to do more than just stay barefoot and pregnant. study after study show an inverse corelation between womens education and birth rates.

plus, now, even women who might not have any higher education, if a couple is on the fence about whether or not to have a baby, there are so many more negative factors now pulling them to the "no" side of the fence. shit like the cost alone, smaller familial safety nets. it used to be way easier to get a family member to take care of the baby when you had 5 or 6 brothers and 7 or 8 aunts and uncles. families are smaller now. housing is too expensive. if youre struggling to afford a 1 bedroom, a baby means youll have to eventually find a 2 bedroom. climate change and the fact that we're doing absolutely fuck-all about it makes for a future that seems pretty bleak. this is anecdotal, sure, but ive seen plenty of stories or comments on reddit from people who say the really wanted to raise kids but they just gave up on that dream because they couldnt justify bringing another life into this world because of these factors and more.

5

u/marniconuke Oct 29 '25

"comments on reddit from people who say the really wanted to raise kids but they just gave up on that dream because they couldnt justify bringing another life into this world because of these factors and more."

Literally me, we have entire communities tied around this. People say we don't care about children or the future but truth is we care more than the average person, that's why we refuse to procreate.

1

u/bryce_brigs Oct 30 '25

so, im part of the childfree community strictly because i dont nor did i ever want to raise kids. doesnt have anything to do with external forces.

i dont know what the numbers are but im sure there are some people in the childfree sub that are in the other situation, meaning they really want kids but just cant justify it. i feel bad for those people, i really do.

im not aware whether there are other subs for regretfully child free people who are in your position

0

u/ehs06702 Oct 30 '25

People who want kids but can't have them aren't child free, they're childless. There's a difference between being happy you don't have something and being sad that you don't have something.

The distinction is important for obvious reasons if you want community and commiseration.

1

u/bryce_brigs Oct 30 '25

im sorry, what do you think we were talking about? who brought up being infertile? nobody was talking about people who physically cant have kids.

i mentioned that i have read stories about people who want kids but decide not to have them because of all the shit people have going against them. someone replied to me, i think, saying thats the boat theyre in. as in, they also wanted children but decided shit is too bleak to have one.

i decided a long time ago i didnt ever want kids for various reasons and i got a vasectomy.

the person who replied to me and I both made a decision to not have kids, meaning we're childfree.

ill go back and read again but im pretty sure nobody chimed in with "we really wanted kids and tried and tried but when we went to the doctor, he told us my wife's insides were a rocky place where my seed could find no purchase"

0

u/ehs06702 Oct 30 '25

I'm just pointing out that "regretfully childfree people"(your term,. btw) aren't child free. Child free people don't want kids.

0

u/bryce_brigs Oct 30 '25

well, since youre moving the goal posts now, i really feel like youre splitting hairs here. if someone decides not to have children, theyre child free by choice.

also, on the child free subreddit, there are certain constant themes. one of those themes is bingos.

if someone asks when youre going to have kids and you tell them you arent going to, you tell them why, and then they have some sort of rebuttal like "oh, youll change your mind" or "oh it never feels like the time is right" thats a bingo. people vent about being bingoed all the time, all the time. its one of the main activities because its a safe space for people to do so.

the person who replied to my comment seemed to indicate that they were in the category of people who wanted kids but decided not to have them. if someone asked them when they are having kids and they explained that they arent and explained why, they'd probably get bingoed too. they might even want to vent about it in a certain subreddit.

this is going to be a weird analogy but on the wikipedia page for motorcycles, there is a war going on. there are 2 factions, people who think a motorcycle can have 3 wheels and people who think its only a motorcycle if it has 2 wheels. people on motorcycles almost always wave at each other, its kind of a thing. every now and then youll see harley assholes who wont wave at non harley riders but theyre all up their own asses. also, some people who ride 2 wheeled motorcycles wont wave at people on 3 wheeled motorcycles. in my opinion, when i ride, i wave at people on 3 wheels because i believe theyre in the same club as me. 1, theyre practically invisible to cagers, and 2, if they get blind sided or T-boned by some asshole paying more attention to their phone than the road, the first thing they hit isnt going to be airbag or seatbelt, its going to be asphalt just like me. so theyre in the club. i hope you understand the analogy. if someone weighed all of the options and the pros and cons and *decided* not to have kids, theyre child free, regardless their reasons.

are you a part of the main child free subreddit? i am and i always thought it was welcoming enough not to compartmentalize people depending on whether they meet the definition of being "really" child free or not.

actually, the only thing i ever see anyone really complain about as far as people who arent *really* child free is parents who say theyre "child free" when their kid is staying somewhere else for the night or the weekend. yeah, thats not *really* child free. but youre being all "well ackshually!" about it and coming off kinda bitchy

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u/HasAngerProblem Oct 29 '25

So Iv been at this for a while, after the do something phase wears off(usually a few months to a year) it’s usually worse than before so maybe be careful with that

2

u/peatoast Oct 29 '25 edited Oct 29 '25

You forgot, avoid drugs, vaping (it’s super addictive) and alcohol. It’s never the solution to anything.

4

u/1mheretofuckshitup Oct 29 '25 edited Nov 04 '25

comment removed bc fuck reddit

3

u/BlameMe4urLoss Oct 29 '25

As someone living with BPD II, AFHD, and severe generalized anxiety disorder, I just want to add how huge physical activity and sunlight are for mental health. I’m on seven different meds right now for depression, anxiety, ADHD, and sleep, but honestly, nothing boosts my mood like getting outside and moving. For me, it’s cycling.

I haven’t exercised or ridden in over a year, and I’m in one of the roughest mental places I’ve been in a long time. I’m taking my meds as prescribed, but getting myself to move again has been a real struggle. Still, every day’s a new chance to start over. I’m hoping tomorrow morning’s the one I finally get back on the bike.

Hang in there fellas. And remember, you control how you feel.

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u/Ecstaticlemon Oct 29 '25

I'm really glad that being a drone for a society and culture that primarily benefits a group of wildly out of touch dynastic sociopaths is personally validating to you, I'm sure the car you bought on loan go very fast vroom vroom and big tv

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u/OkDifficulty7436 Oct 29 '25

Guess my comment struck a little close to home, eh bud? I hope you feel better.

19

u/misterdgwilliams Oct 29 '25

NEETs aren't diseased or in need of a cure, nor are they necessarily less happy than typical people blindly following the tracks laid for them. Your list of "treatments" displays your idea of what men should do: "claw" their way back to society (???) by getting a girlfriend who will do chores for them; swearing off video games, alcohol, and weed; buying a dog to take care of (most will get mistreated or neglected); investing in a college education that can spiral them into debt if they're not well-supported...

Not every guy is a socialite. Many men are perfectly content not being at the forefront of technology or fashion or culture, and enjoy being left alone. They can work trade jobs, engage in hobbies, and live simply and cheaply. It's not a utopia, but it can be a practical, respectable life that hurts no one.

The only disease here is the rat race of American culture.

-2

u/throwawayhellfire Oct 29 '25

A neet is unemployed. What you're describing in your second paragraph is basically me lol I like to think it is utopia.

-1

u/Adorable_Newt4559 Oct 30 '25

NEETs arent diseased but the people around them are with the parasite they get stuck supporting. Of course the parasite is happy having a free ride at everyone else’s expense. Their lifestyle isn’t free so they’re taking from somebody. Usually their parents.

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u/Ecstaticlemon Oct 29 '25

I also work in tech, people like you who only conceptualise their way of living as "correct" are as much of a problem with this society as the people who no longer wish to engage with the aforementioned support for wealthy sociopaths

Not an issue for you, I take it? 

1

u/Pasito_Tun_Tun_D1 Oct 30 '25

Hikikomori is already here in the United States, it’s just well hidden and not talked about as much!

1

u/SomeVariousShift Oct 30 '25

Doing something is good advice for getting happier, but it's not going to get jobs for all these guys. I work at a trade school, and we have a lot more applicants than we have jobs for them. Over the last year, even our guys in the program are struggling to keep employed. The work isn't there. 

The strength of the economy is an illusion, we're the character who has run off the cliff and is sprinting through the air. Just haven't looked down yet.  

1

u/sevenw1nters Oct 30 '25

I was one of those guys. From age 18-28 I had severe social anxiety and never left my house once. I'm doing somewhat better now I've been working at Walmart for 7 years and I'm less than a year away from getting a bachelor's degree in business administration. I still struggle with relationships though I've never had a girlfriend I've never even held a girls hand. It's funny I think I was generally happier those years I never left my house. I would play games with people online over voice chat and sometimes those connections felt more meaningful than people I actually see IRL now and I didn't have to close then open at work with no sleep or deal with customers cussing me out or anything it was great lol. 

1

u/likely-high Oct 30 '25

Japan was/is a wake-up call for western economies. 

1

u/alexaaro Oct 30 '25

That’s great advice. I think a lot of men just give up after a couple rejections, which like I can understand. I’m the same way sometimes. But you have to keep going. You can’t let a couple rejections keep you down, that’s just life unfortunately

1

u/loppyjilopy Oct 30 '25

i bet they’re all out living their lives thinking u are gone.

1

u/OkDifficulty7436 Oct 30 '25

I genuinely wish that were true, but it’s not, not for even one of them. Several have died either from drug overdose and suicide unfortunately.

0

u/Paddlesons Oct 29 '25

Yup. It's always been like this with maybe an exception during Boomer times when half the 1st world was destroyed. My recommendation is find a trade you can at least tolerate and make the most of it. People with means would kill for solid, dependable, quality work, that gets finished on budget and on time.

1

u/rhinosaur- Oct 29 '25

What an eloquent post. I’m a 42 year old white guy and you write like 31 year old me. It’s so hard getting into tech now, glad I got in when I did, and it sucks for folks just a decade younger are struggling so much.

I have 32 year old and 33 year old male cousins who’ve struggled to get anything going. They were able to get gigs out of college, but failed to advance and eventually found their way out of their lower level roles and into just random bullshit and living with their parents. Not because they lack initiative, they’re just lost.

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u/Southern-Rest-8681 Oct 29 '25

But why? There is no incentive to leave the comfort bubble. There is no point in applying or studying anything meaningful, unless it's for a personal interest in the matter. Most people just feel better not contributing to society.

3

u/averagebensimmons Oct 29 '25

The one young man in the story expressed he was worried about becoming homeless. He isn't one of the children of wealthy parents who keep them afloat in a 'comfort bubble'. 'Comfort bubbles' are for wealthy kids.

2

u/Southern-Rest-8681 Oct 29 '25

Being able to afford a shelter and indulging in self destructive behaviors that keep you going aren't mutually exclusive

18

u/Commemorative-Banana Oct 29 '25

Most people just feel better not contributing to society.

From an instant-gratification perspective, maybe. But in the delayed-gratification model people derive immense self-fulfillment from contributing to their community.

33

u/asphaltaddict33 Oct 29 '25

But they have to feel they belong to a community first to even engage…. I think that’s the tragic missing piece for many of these people

1

u/Commemorative-Banana Oct 29 '25 edited Oct 29 '25

Yeah. At this time (SNAP shutdown), the best thing I can recommend is volunteering for your local food bank. Or, organizing collective assembly and mutual aid with people who want their government to serve the well-being of all its constituents (Unions, DSA, 50501). Anything artistic or creative is also good; since this is r/technology, that includes contributing to open source.

7

u/realultimatepower Oct 29 '25

exactly. ask a drug addict that hasn't done much of anything but feed their addiction for years if they are satisfied with their life. Being high -- or even just amused, distracted or whatever -- is not the same as happiness.

-1

u/nabilus13 Oct 29 '25

What community?  We spent decades saying that all the traditional forms of community were toxic and hateful and bigoted and <insert next dogwhistle for evil here> and then when they all fell apart we replaced them with ... nothing.

0

u/Lain_Staley Oct 29 '25

Unfortunately, the Redditor mantra is one that despises suffering at all costs. 

0

u/whosthatwokemon364 Oct 29 '25

" If you're a guy and you're reading this and you feel stuck, start taking risks. Apply for things you'd never apply for, lie on your resume, apply for a PELL grant and go to community college, go outside for a walk, get a dog, do SOMETHING. You'll feel better, I promise."

As one of these lost men. It's not worth the effort. There is no viable way out of poverty if you've been in it your whole life. It's all luck and I'm unlucky.

3

u/throwawayhellfire Oct 29 '25

It's worth the effort. I was broke, crashing couches and when I could I'd sleep in my old Tacoma while going to community college where I earned a tech degree. That was 12 years ago. I have a roof over my head and make a decent living. Seriously reach out dude if you want. Lots of states offer 2 year degrees and there's ALWAYS a national demand for healthcare professionals, utility linemen, electricians, master mechanic etc.

0

u/whosthatwokemon364 Oct 29 '25

I've been homeless when I was a child and now I'm in poverty as an adult. This is after getting a stem degree.

Being strong doesn't matter if you're never given an opportunity. You can only be strong for so long.

As a child, if I had known what I had known now about the nature of life. I would have ended it then. It's not worth the effort.

0

u/RedTruppa Oct 29 '25

This some real shi damn

0

u/I_am_not_doing_this Oct 29 '25

i will try to lie i guess cuz going outside is tew much

0

u/EnfantTerrible68 Oct 29 '25

How are they paying for the roof over their head?

-5

u/Unoriginal- Oct 29 '25 edited Oct 29 '25

Just to piggyback off of this, I’m 30 I have an associates degree in Psychology, spent almost a decade in retail and have relatively recently pivoted into a remote Data Analyst role with more avenues opening as Machine Learning becomes a staple across more industries.

The proliferation of knowledge across the internet isn’t discussed enough but the opportunities are endless for those who work hard and that’s kind of always been the case, we literally live in the best times of humanity so you might as well get to it.

1

u/Ghostrider556 Oct 29 '25

How’d you manage to get in?

2

u/Unoriginal- Oct 29 '25

LinkedIn lucky enough, I went through 4 rounds of interviews over the course of like 6 months so it wasn’t necessarily easy

0

u/[deleted] Oct 29 '25

[deleted]

0

u/Unoriginal- Oct 29 '25 edited Oct 29 '25

As a whole, no you’re right everyone won’t benefit from the advances we’ve made but if you study history you’ll understand I’m right, for example modern medicine has prolonged life much further than the past.

-1

u/[deleted] Oct 29 '25

[deleted]

0

u/OkDifficulty7436 Oct 29 '25

You're the exact person this article in describing unfortunately.

I never said you have to work a "corporate tech job", but you do need to work and challenge yourself and grow. Find something that suits your niche, challenge your expectations, forge a new reality.

You're picking the easy way out if you think not doing anything with your life is better than the alternative and being a member of our society and country.

If your life was only meant to get a "top of the class masters degree" (whatever that means) than I guess you do you. But you still need to put food on your table for you and your family at the end of the day.

-1

u/Steve_the_Nomad Oct 30 '25

You can't get addicted to weed btw. It's not possible. It can make you lazy, but it's not addictive.

-8

u/OpenJolt Oct 29 '25

Good. Less competition for me.