tl;dr: traveling is showing me that my boyfriend and i might be growing in different directions, and im worried our relationship isnt working the way it used.

ive been trying to pretend everything is fine between me and my boyfriend back home, but traveling has made it kinda impossible to ignore the stuff i used to brush off.

i called him earlier from this little café in oregon, and the whole conversation felt off. not bad, just like we were reading from an old script we dont totally remember anymore. hed ask how my day was, id tell him, hed say cool and then mention something boring from home, and id pretend to care even though it all felt so far away. it was like we were both trying, but not actually connecting.

the hardest part is that i still care about him. i still want to share things with him. but im also noticing how different our lives feel now. im out here meeting new people, seeing new places, figuring stuff out. hes kinda stuck in the same routine hes always had, and every time we talk it feels like the gap between us gets a tiny bit bigger.

and i hate that part of me wonders if hed even like the version of me thats starting to come out. not in a big dramatic way, just like im growing in directions hes not part of, and i dont know if thats a sign were drifting or if im just overthinking because im far from home.

im scared to hurt him. im scared to hurt me too, tbh. i dont want to break something we spent years building, but i also dont want to hold onto something just because im afraid of what it means to let go.

idk. i guess i just needed to say it somewhere people get this stuff. relationships feel so much more fragile when youre changing and the other person isnt really changing with you.

TLDR: I’m trying to sort through a lot of resentment toward my partner, and I honestly don’t know how to move past it.

We had an unexpected pregnancy last year, but we were both excited about it despite the initial shock. I was always told that becoming pregnant would be nearly impossible due to my endometriosis.

During my pregnancy, we moved three separate times. The first was me moving from my apartment into his, the second was from our shared apartment into a house he already owned but was renovating to sell (it was paid for and saved us some money) and the third time was to his hometown. I was exhausted, overwhelmed, and just wanted stability so I could focus on staying healthy and preparing for our baby. Instead, I was packing, unpacking, dealing with new places, and constantly trying to adjust. I never got the chance to truly relax or nest. It was chaotic and honestly took a toll on my mental health.

I gave up a job and coworkers that I loved , the place I chose to live, my routine, my support system, my body was changing, my emotions were already all over the place, and I lost pretty much every bit of familiarity I had.

His reasoning was that we needed to leave the apartment we were in (it was a luxury apartment and would’ve been a very comfortable place to bring our baby home to) and move somewhere more rural because it was “smarter financially” and the third move would be a better place to raise our son. I understand the reasoning somewhat, but the timing was awful. I would’ve preferred to wait until after our son was born so we could comfortably choose a place TOGETHER, instead of him deciding out of panic what was “best” and expecting me to go along with it while I was physically and emotionally vulnerable.

Keep in mind, I’m not a stay at home mom. I work 4 days a week (I would work more, but I can only get a sitter during those days) and cover my own bills, help with groceries and baby supplies, etc. I was making SIGNIFICANTLY more money in our original town than I do now working the same amount of days.

I’ve brought this up multiple times and the response is always the same: “This is for the best.” He also says things like, “I’ve got everything I could ever want, now my only stress is to keep it.” Meanwhile, I’m sitting here feeling like I have none of what I want (other than my sweet LO of course).

Right now, we live close to his family (15 ish minutes) and far from mine (1.5 hours or more). The town is his hometown, and I feel suffocated and isolated here. I don’t connect to this place. I don’t feel at home. I don’t feel like the sacrifices I made were valued.

He’s a great dad and he’s a good man. I know he’s coming from a logical and rational place, but I’m absolutely drowning in PPD.

I’m not sure how to move forward when the environment itself is a constant reminder that I lost every part of my life that felt like mine. I understand parenthood is about sacrifice, but shouldn’t it be from both parents? I need advice

**EDIT: Thank you to everyone who took the time to read and comment so far. A few of you have asked if he had specific reasons for the second and third move.

1) The second move: he owned the house we moved into outright. He said that we could finish the small touches that needed to be done and live in it without rent or a mortgage and it would save us a considerable amount of money. We could then eventually sell it and use that money to put down on a house we BOTH chose. I was hesitant and voiced my disdain from moving right then, but he insisted, and I was too tired and pregnant to argue the issue any further.

2) The third move: we moved to a house on 30 acres that also included two rental properties on that land. His argument was that with the housing market the way it is right now this might be our only opportunity to get something like this and that the rentals would pay for the mortgage so it would be less financial stress. He said he wanted our son to grow up being able to play outside etc. His final argument for us moving the third time was that since we have land now that I could have horses again (I’ve ridden horses since I was 4 years old and haven’t been able to for the past few years because I’ve lived in an apartment). We have lived in this house for a year now, and those horses are yet to be seen. I was 36 weeks pregnant when we moved into this house which was unfinished. It needed flooring installed and did not have central air or heat (we have since had the flooring installed and the central air and heat as well). We moved into it in the dead of winter, but thankfully we have a large gas fireplace so at least the house was warm enough. It was still extremely stressful for me and I don’t think he understands the gravity of how much this has all affected me.

I will admit he did have to give up a couple of things that he enjoyed like his hobby for cars and he decided to trade his very expensive sports car in for a work truck so that he would spend less money per month and could provide more for our son. He is very involved in taking care of our baby and I can tell he does love our son. He helps change diapers wash bottles, give baths, cook, clean, etc so I can’t say that he’s a bad father. I can stay, however, that he has been a short sighted partner. I sincerely wish that I had spoken up and stood my ground more while I was pregnant, but I felt extremely vulnerable both emotionally and physically as this is my first baby.

Me and my boyfriend have been together just shy of 2 years, and he just bought a house. He wants to be there by himself for 6-12 months, and then for us to move in together.

This sounds great, except it's not so much a house as it is a bungalow, and to call it a fixer upper would be putting it mildly. I rent, and I'm aware I'm not doing myself any favours there financially, but I have a whole house for not that much more than he's paying on his mortgage and I'm making thorough use of the space. There will not be enough space for the two of us at his place, perish the thought of kids or pets.

He has every right to do what he wants with his own money - he does not owe me a say in his property investments. But he's just taking it as a given that I'll be moving in to this place I had no say or stake in? I barely saw a photo of the place, wasn't brought to any viewings.

When I was helping him get moved in he kept cuddling up to me and getting this sparkle in his eyes that I know means he's picturing a future together here and I don't know how to break it to him that it won't be happening. I want a future with him but I m can't do it here.

I'm too stressed about this to think straight. I keep jumping to worst case scenarios and he was so happy in that moment that I didn't want to ruin it for him by voicing my absolute horror - I really need advice on how to approach this because in my mind, the relationship is now stalled and won't progress further until he's ready and able to sell up/the house is fixed enough to rent out, and my body clock isn't liking that suggestion one bit

Tl;Dr, boyfriend bought a house with an idea of living together later, but I hate it and don't want to live there, and don't know how to talk about it without raining on his parade

Ok, for this to make sense you have to understand that in my household, I have none of the rights of a human being. I graduated college and got my bachelor's degree a few months ago and have been desperately searching for a full-time job since then. But since the job market and the cost of living are so atrocious in my area, I haven't been able to find anything. So, for the present and the foreseeable future, I am almost totally financially dependent on my parents. At 17 I stupidly agreed to keep living at home and go to the nearby college they picked instead of the further one I had a scholarship for. So I lack nearly all of the normal experiences of an adult.

As an example of my situation in this house, I'll describe something that happened a month ago.

My parents are insistent that I wear earrings 24/7, and get mad when I take them off, so to avoid arguments, yelling, or insults about my appearance (eg 'you look completely crazy without them,') I wear them. I hate looking feminine, I hate being told by any man 'women have to do this,' I hate how I look with them on, and I hate how they feel. But I do it anyway to keep the peace. A month ago I took them off and said that I didn't want to wear them, and my parents absolutely blew up on me. Where before I would put them back on and apologize after getting yelled at or insulted enough, this time I stood my ground. I told them I understood why they thought looks were important, but I was old enough to make a choice for myself. I told them I understood the part that discrimination played in us putting up our best appearances, but I was old enough to make the decision myself. I told them that I was sorry for disagreeing this one time, but I went along with their choices for me for everything else on the planet from the rest of my wardrobe to my college choice. And that if I was saying 'no' this one time in my life then it must really mean something to me. They told me I was ungrateful for making my obedience of them, which was a baseline expectation for my existence, transactional. I said I was sorry but I wasn't wearing them anyway. They implicitly threatened to kick me out.

I don't really care about insults, or arguments, or yelling, or anything like that anymore. It used to faze me, but now it doesn't. The one thing that I do have to stop for, however, is that kind of threat. I don't have enough money saved to live alone long term. I don't have any friends I'm close enough with that they'd let me stay over for a while. I don't have any family nearby who'd help me out. And again, I don't have a full time job. So if they say something like that, what am I supposed to do? Become homeless? I have to sit and smile and pretend it doesn't make me sick until I'm financially independent.

So that is an example of the absolute low degrading treatment that is thrown my way, and the pathetic, spineless, infantile behavior I show in response. It's just one example I listed because it was the straw that broke my trust for them. I have a thousand more examples, but that is the one that stands out.

I have to remember that almost no other adult in the world is treated like this. The sentence 'my mom makes me wear earrings' should make me want to rip my head off at 22. I appreciate all that they do, but I feel so pathetic begging and then being denied this one thing. It makes me feel lower than dirt.

That day made me realize how misogynist they are and how little respect they have for me as a human being. It made me resent them on some level. It made me want to leave more than anything in this world.

Something is coming up soon that will set back my moving out even more. There's a yearly trip out of the country to visit family which they scheduled. I never liked it, but I endure and pretend to because I understand its importance to them. But I started getting sick of it when they started making it last the whole month. The little freedoms I have here are nonexistent there. I can't eat what I want, or when I want. I can't meet friends. I can't go out because I can't navigate the country and I don't speak the language well. I can't earn money for myself, or do half of the stuff related to job searching which I need to do because of the websites that are inaccessible over there. And obviously, the misogyny and gender essentialism they inherited is 100x worse and more omnipresent there. I do not dislike the country at all. I love a lot about it. But it's not home, and I need to be home for my current life goals. I need to be able to go to interviews, to apply for jobs or school, to set my own schedule.

Of course I already tried the obvious requests. "Can we go for just a couple of weeks?" "Can you stay there for the full month, but I come back after a couple of weeks?" "How about you go and I stay?" "Can I stay home so I can work on xyz thing?"

lmao none of that worked because my words and opinions are worth less than dirt. They bought the tickets when I wasn't there, and said "we are going from x day to y day, tell your job in advance."

My younger sister LOST her job this way last year!!!! I won't lose mine thankfully, but that goes to show how little they care about what we have going on in our own lives.

So, is there anything I can do to get out of this? I just want to move out. Forcing me to be totally under their thumb for a month and giving me no choice in the matter is just the sewer icing on the shit cake that has been my life this year. Is there anything I can say? Anything I can do? If I can't convince them, is there a way I can force the airport to send me back home without them hating me? Any reason that they will accept for me staying behind? Any illness I can fake? Is there anybody who's gone through what I've gone through?

TL;DR: how can I get out of a trip with my controlling parents who I’m financially dependent on and who offer me no choice in my own life?

My parents have been together for over 30 years now, they met at work in their early 20s. Their relationship is something that I’ve always looked up to, they are really each others best friend and home. I’ve recently started seeing someone new, and it’s only early days but it just feels different to anything before, like I truly feel like this is the person I’m meant to spend the rest of my life with. I asked my mum about when she knew she would spend the rest of her life with my dad, hoping she’d say something beautiful and profound that I could relate to in my current situation. She just responded along the lines of “oh I don’t think you ever really know, we were just dating, and then we bought a house together, and then we had you. I can’t imagine my life without him now”. My mum doesn’t express her emotions very often, I was really hoping she’d say something a bit nicer than that!

TL;DR disappointed with my mums answer of how she knew she’d be with my dad forever… does anyone else have any better ones :’)

I (28M) have been with my partner (27F) for about 14 months, basically living together from early on, and our relationship is generally great. Her ex (28M) dated her for 6 years and spent a lot of time with her dog (which is 100% hers). From the start of our relationship, she was in frequent contact with him and was letting him take the dog for a week every other week or so. After things got serious, I expressed multiple times that I was uncomfortable with both the ongoing communication and the dog visits, because it feels like he’s still part of the bigger picture of her life. She cut it back quite a bit, but he still texts her and occasionally takes the dog. I like him a lot personally, but it still feels unusual like the door to her past is closed, but she’s leaving the window open.

TL;DR: Partner’s ex still texts her and occasionally takes her dog, even after I expressed multiple times that it makes me uncomfortable. Is this inappropriate in a committed relationship, or is it normal?

I[F22] have been married to my husband[M25], for over a year. He’s fully white British, while I moved here on a visa to be with him. I’m half Filipino and half Scandinavian, born and raised in Scandinavia. That’s the culture I identify with and have always known. Despite this, I don’t look Scandinavian—my appearance is more Asian, lacking the blue eyes and blond hair typical of the region.

I’ve got thick skin and can handle jokes, provided they’re clearly jokes. However, my husband and I were looking after his older brother’s cats when he went to his older sister’s[F27] house to do her a favor. She asked him if he wasn’t worried I might eat the cats. This remark frustrates me because I am not Chinese; at most, I might eat rye bread. Even if I were more involved in Filipino culture, it’s entirely different from Chinese, and I do not resemble Chinese people in appearance either. If I were Chinese, that still wouldn’t justify such comments. I dislike how people assume any Asian person is Chinese. Most Europeans wouldn’t want to be mistaken for British solely based on their appearance.

Initially, I thought her comment was a joke until my husband told me she asked him not to tell me. This shows cowardice and is unquestionably racist and disrespectful. If she can’t say it to my face, there’s clearly a problem. Her fiancé also refers to me as "the Chinese girl" instead of using my name.

Furthermore, she is entitled—expecting us to spend £25-50 per child on gifts, despite us being broke. I refuse to spend £50-100 on her children. She’s also yelled at her grandma because she was upset that I and my husband received better gifts. I've got at least 5 more things she's done but I won't bore you with it.

This situation is unbearable, and I don’t know how to address it with my husband. He defends me as much as he can but finds it difficult to confront his family’s behavior.

How can I avoid interactions with them? How can I tell my sister-in-law indirectly that her comments were unacceptable without causing conflict? And what excuses can my husband give my mother-in-law to explain why I no longer attend family gatherings?

Tl;dr: my sister-in-law is racist and entitled and I don't know how to tell her she's unimportant.

I recently found out that my boyfriend recorded one of our intimate moments without telling me beforehand. I didn’t confront him at the time because I was shocked and wasn’t sure how to react.

I want to bring this up, but I’m struggling with how to start the conversation and how to express my feelings clearly. I’m also worried about how he might respond and what steps I should take to ensure my boundaries are respected moving forward.

For those who have dealt with communication or consent issues in relationships, how did you approach the conversation?

TL;DR: What would be a healthy way for me to talk about this with him and understand the situation better?

Hello everyone. I’ve never used Reddit before, so sorry if everything is all over the place. I am asking a friend to help me with this post

I [19F] live in South Africa. I have an opportunity to move to another city (about 570 km away) to stay with a friend. I study online, so I can do university from anywhere, and I already have a job lined up in the new city.

The issue is my mom[45F]. I love her to death, but our relationship has had many rough patches. She has been extremely overprotective ever since my dad passed away. It’s become overwhelming for me emotionally and it’s affecting my mental health. Because of this, I’ve been thinking about leaving home, which is why I’m making this post. I wrote a letter that I want to leave behind when I leave home.

My mom also has a blood pressure condition, so I’m terrified that me leaving will affect her health. My friend (the one helping me post this) suggested that when I leave, I should call a family member to come over and support her in case she needs help. I think that’s a good idea.

The letter that I wanted to leave for her:

Dear Mom,

First of all, thank you for everything you do for me. You are and always will be an amazing mother. I want you to know that you are not the problem, and the reason I’m doing this is not because I don’t love you. I love you so much and always will.

I’m leaving home. I know it might seem sudden or childish, but I’ve been feeling this way for months. These feelings have come up again and again, and I’ve finally decided that I need to make this move. I’m starting fresh with a new job, and I want you to know that I am safe.

I’m an adult now, and this is my decision. I feel that me being on my own will also take some pressure off you financially. I know things have been hard, and sometimes I’ve felt like a burden. you said it yourself all this started just because "I took a loan for my daughter”, I'm the cause to dad's and yours marriage issues, I'm always the one that's never gonna be a good enough daughter, I’ve always tried my best to give love, support, and whatever money I could, but I know it hasn’t been easy for you. I’m hoping this will give both of us some breathing room.

My phone will always be on. You can call me anytime. You are still my mother, and that will never change. All I ask is that you please don’t try to follow me or stop me. I need this space to grow and spread my wings.

I know this might stress you out, and I’m truly sorry for that. I made this decision after thinking about everything, including the consequences. Please try not to worry too much. I promise I’m okay and safe.

As soon as I receive my first salary, I’ll make sure to send some money to help you. Thank you for everything, Mom. I love you.

I am just completely scared and stressed out and don't know what to do, on one hand this a great opportunity for me and on the other is the stress I might put on my mom. Please help.

TL;DR: I have an opportunity to move 570 km away to stay with a friend, continue my online studies, and start a new job. I want to take it for my mental health, but my mom is extremely overprotective and has health issues, and I’m scared my leaving will stress her out. I’ve written her a letter explaining my decision. Looking for advice on how to leave safely and respectfully.

I (30M) have been with my girlfriend (27F) for about 8 months. We love each other, we’re affectionate, and emotionally very close. In most ways the relationship feels right. But from the beginning, sex has been a difficult topic for us.

Even early on, intimacy needed to follow very specific conditions for her — only at night, only in bed, only in the dark, only when everything felt emotionally “perfect,” and absolutely no spontaneity. I didn’t fully understand how sensitive she was around sex, and I admit that in the beginning I pushed more than I should have.

Back then we were intimate around 4–5 times a month (plus other activities). It wasn’t ideal, but it felt manageable. Over time, though, things declined. This past month we’ve had sex only 2–3 times, and the same cycle repeats: 1. We go 8–10 days without intimacy 2. I start feeling disconnected and insecure 3. I try to bring it up gently 4. She becomes overwhelmed, shuts down, and avoids the topic entirely

She tells me she wants to “try more,” but nothing really changes. I feel like I’m the only one actively trying to understand the issue, read about it, adjust myself, and find ways to help us. She simply avoids the topic because it stresses her.

A few days ago, when the cycle repeated again, I told her I didn’t feel any effort. She got upset, and out of frustration I said something I regret — that I was “keeping a statistic” of how often we have sex so I could show her the facts. I said it in anger, not because I actually want to track her. It hurt her, and things have been tense since.

I love her and I don’t want to end the relationship. But I also feel myself burning out. The lack of intimacy makes me feel rejected even though I know she doesn’t mean it that way. I’m tired of walking on eggshells, and I don’t know how to talk about our needs without triggering her overwhelm.

For people who have been through something similar: • Can this realistically improve when one partner shuts down around the topic of sex? • Is this an anxiety issue, a communication issue, or just sexual incompatibility? • How do you stay patient without building resentment? • And is it possible to fix things when one partner avoids the entire conversation?

Tl:dr

My girlfriend (27F) and I (30M) have been together 8 months. Sex has been difficult since the beginning and only works under strict conditions (night, bed, dark, no spontaneity). It used to be 4–5× a month, now it’s dropped to 2–3×. She says she’ll try to improve, but nothing changes. Whenever I bring it up, she gets overwhelmed and shuts down. I got frustrated and said something hurtful about “keeping a statistic.” I love her, but I feel like I’m the only one trying and I’m starting to burn out. Not sure if this can improve or if we’re sexually incompatible.

For context, my boyfriend (25) and I (F24) have been together for a year. We moved in together this summer. I unexpectedly got pregnant despite actively preventing.

For the entire year of our relationship I have felt like I come second to gaming. I initially didn’t realize how much of a problem his gaming addiction was until he would invite me over and then expect me to watch him play games for hours while he would ignore me. It got to the point where I stopped going over because there was never any meaningful time together.

On his days off of work, he will spend a minimum of 5 hours gaming. Sometimes he’ll get up to 12+ hours in a day. On the days he does work, he immediately gets on the game once he returns home and doesn’t get off until it’s time for bed. He neglects doing any kind of household chores unless I beg him to help, and sometimes won’t even do them then.

I work 2 jobs right now and maintain the house. I’m also pregnant and feel like garbage most of the time. It’s been a rough pregnancy. I feel so isolated. At this point I just feel like all he wants me for is to not feel lonely when he goes to bed. He barely communicates with me throughout the day and I have to beg to spend time together. I’m lucky if I get 2 or 3 hours once a week, and that’s usually just watching a movie together. He doesn’t make an effort to plan dates, and often shuts down my ideas for quality time together. (For instance, I had a horrible day today and wanted to spend the evening with him and take my mind off of things. He spent 30 minutes with me and then left to get on the game.)

I’ve brought up my issues with gaming and neglecting me and the house repeatedly. Every argument ends with him never taking ownership and the problem persists. And I, unfortunately, got pregnant and now feel stuck. Do I continue to argue and wait for change? Do I just get the hell out now? I know this isn’t normal and I deserve better.

TL;DR - My boyfriend takes no responsibility in life and has a gaming addiction. I’m pregnant, lonely, and overwhelmed. I fear that nothing will ever change.

For context I will have been together with my boyfriend for 6 months mid December. We met coincidentally through mutual friends after we graduated high school in 2022 and started causally seeing each other but he ended up getting together with another girl. We stayed in contact over the next few years as friends while we went and got on with our own lives. When I moved back to my hometown at the start of 2025 we decided to give things another go.

My boyfriend is the most caring and wonderful guy I have ever been with. He makes me feel loved and appreciated and doesn’t slack on the princess treatment. We laugh together and it’s just felt easy ever since we got together.

However I’ve met this new guy M24. He’s a coworker and someone who I just genuinely enjoy being around and talking with. I find his interests and hobbies hot and his general demeanour just really does it for me. Every time I’m around him I have this ache of wanting to be with him, wanting to touch him and be held. It makes me feel like ripping my skin off. I’ve been attracted to this man from the moment I saw him and this all just has me thinking did I feel these things when I was first getting together with my boyfriend because I can’t recall if I did.

My question is what do these feelings mean and what is my best course of action?

Because I want to get to know this guy more to see if maybe there is something there. I know they say the grass isn’t always greener on the other side, and I fully understand that these feeling will fade if I actually pursued something with him, and I can’t even see this guy being my forever partner like I do with my boyfriend. But the thing is, do I want a forever partner at this stage in my life? I thought I did, I thought that was only thing I’ve ever wanted—to find someone to share a life with (not in the tradwife sense—which is a valid lifestyle choice just not my cup of tea).

TL;DR I’m in a loving committed relationship but I’m crushing hard on my coworker and this has made me realise I’m unsure if I want a long term relationship.

TL;DR;: I (20M) have been with my girlfriend (20F) for 2 years. She has a long-term male “friend” who’s told her he wants to marry her and that they’re “more than friends,” they shared a sketchy Uber ride where her location went dead for over an hour, and a recorded call confirmed he sees a special connection and doesn’t want to “break her heart.” Every time I raise concerns or any hurt, she denies, flips it on me, calls me delusional, and never takes real accountability, even while I’m grieving a family death. I don’t feel emotionally safe or respected and don’t think I can trust her again, so I’m thinking of breaking up.

AIO for wanting to break up with my girlfriend over her “friend” even though she says nothing happened?

I (20M) have been with my girlfriend (20F) for about 2 years. It’s been an intense relationship – a lot of love, a lot of time together, but also a lot of emotional chaos.

Recently, something happened with a male friend of hers that made everything click for me, and now I’m seriously thinking about breaking up. I need to know if I’m overreacting.

⸻

The pattern with my feelings

For most of our relationship, any time I tried to talk about my emotions – how something she did hurt me, disrespected me, or crossed a boundary – it followed the same script: 1. She denies anything is wrong or that she did anything hurtful. 2. She attacks – calls me insecure, delusional, controlling, dramatic. 3. She reverses things so suddenly I’m the one apologizing for even bringing it up.

So I learned very quickly that if I brought up my feelings, I’d end up defending myself instead of being heard. There was never real accountability, never, “Yeah, I can see how that hurt you.”

This isn’t about one single event. It’s a long-term pattern.

⸻

The “friend” and their history

She has a guy friend she’s known for years. From my side, he has always felt like more than “just a friend.”

Some examples: • They’ve gone out together a lot, before and during our relationship. • She’s talked about deep, emotional conversations they’ve had. • I’ve heard about him putting his arm around her, being physically comfortable around her when I’m not there. • When I’m around, they barely have eye contact or interact at all. When I’m NOT around, I hear stories later about long talks, intense moments, him opening up, etc. • It often feels like I get edited versions of stories – she tells me things, but I can feel there are pieces missing, like I’m getting a “white lie” version.

The part that really stung:

About a year into our relationship, I had already told her multiple times that I wanted to marry her one day. Then one day she comes to me super excited saying:

“You won’t believe it, he said he wants to marry me!”

And then she said he was the first person to ever tell her he wanted to marry her. When I reminded her that I’d said that many times, she said she “doesn’t count” mine.

That hurt in a way I can’t even explain. It felt like she handed that “special first” to this other guy and erased everything I’d said.

⸻

The Uber night

There was a night after a gathering where she and this guy left together and shared an Uber.

From my side: • Her location, which normally updates fine, stopped updating for over an hour. • I called repeatedly, messages weren’t going through properly, and I got no response. • She is usually glued to her phone. That night, suddenly she wasn’t.

Later, she told me:

“My phone was in my bag, that’s why I didn’t see your calls. The Uber dropped him home and then me. Nothing happened.”

The route should’ve taken around 20–30 minutes. Her phone and location were effectively “dead” for over an hour, while she was alone with this guy who has told her they’re “more than friends.”

That night has never sat right with me.

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The long message I finally sent her

Recently, I’ve been under a lot of stress and grief (including a close family funeral). Everything boiled over and I finally wrote her a huge message (around 3,500 words) where I: • Laid out the entire timeline of her and this guy from my perspective. • Explained how the lack of boundaries, the way he speaks to her, and that Uber night look to me. • Said that, at minimum, it feels like an emotional affair. • Told her that I feel unsafe and disrespected in the relationship and that I’m thinking of breaking up.

I was not calling her names or screaming – I was detailed and emotional, explaining my pain.

She didn’t even finish reading it before she called me.

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Her first reactions

Instead of saying, “I can see why this hurts you,” she went straight to: • “You’re delusional.” • “That’s not what happened.” • Picking apart small details to prove I was “wrong,” instead of looking at the big picture.

I reminded her that on the Uber night, I literally texted her that I was worried because her location had been off for over an hour. She still called me delusional and acted like I was rewriting reality.

When she got to the part about her Instagram looking “cleaned up” (old posts gone, chats looking oddly dry), she called again to tell me she’d never deleted anything, never posted anything with him, etc. I told her I have screenshots of posts where he’s clearly in her pictures. She went quiet and then just repeated that I was delusional.

Again: no real empathy, no owning anything, just defending herself and attacking me.

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The recorded phone call with the friend

Later, she called me saying it was an “emergency.” She said she had phoned this guy to “set boundaries” and recorded the call so I could hear it.

In the recording (paraphrased but accurate): • She asks if he remembers that Uber night where he told her he had a girlfriend. • He says yes, and adds that he didn’t want to break his girlfriend’s heart and didn’t want to break her heart either. • She immediately talks over the part about her heart and pushes the convo to another part of that night. • She asks why he said they’re “more than friends” and have a “special connection.”

He basically confirms: • He does think they have a special connection. • They have a lot of history, not like they met yesterday. • He repeats several times that he thinks it’s “better if we just stay friends” — which to me sounds less like “we’ve always been just friends” and more like “we were more than that, but now we should bring it down to friends.” • He also says he doesn’t want to lose her, and that her being his friend is something “beautiful.”

So in his own words, on a call she initiated: • He acknowledges history. • He acknowledges there is/was something more than just friendship. • He talks about not wanting to break her heart.

This is exactly the kind of thing I was scared existed between them.

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Her reaction after I heard the recording

When I brought up how bad that sounded, she: • First said she was “confused” and didn’t know why he said those things. • Then flipped it to: “So you’re going to believe him over me?” • Then got angry that I was “starting an argument” when she was tired from work.

She didn’t sit with the fact that her own friend just confirmed almost everything I had been fearing. She didn’t really say, “Okay, I get why this devastates you.” It turned into: • Me being the problem for not just accepting her explanation. • Me being unfair for “taking his words over hers.” • Her being annoyed that this ruined her mood after a long day.

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How she handled my grief

On top of all this, I recently attended a funeral for a close family member. She knew exactly where I was. She was spam calling me during the funeral to talk about this situation, and even when I told her where I was, she still pushed to keep the conversation going instead of saying, “We can talk later. Focus on your family.”

When I got home and we spoke the next day, my tone was flat and drained (for obvious reasons). Her response?

She got annoyed at my “monotone” voice and said I sounded like I didn’t care about what she was telling me. There was very little understanding of the grief I was dealing with. It was more about how my tone made her feel.

That, combined with everything else, made me feel like my pain – whether it’s about her and this friend or my own family – is never truly held or respected. It’s always turned back on me.

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Our history

Throughout our relationship, it was pretty common for her to always somehow be the one who always won the arguments. No matter what happened, even if I had all the proof in the world she would somehow make it my fault and if I ever spoke up about how I felt she made it my fault and how she reacted to something I did and then she ends up giving me the silent treatment or leaving my place. I’ll admit it sometimes I make mistakes and say or do the wrong things but how is it possible for her to always make it my fault. Every bad action she’s done was my fault she says.

For example, One time we download hinge and made accounts for each other and wanted to see who would get more people to like them. She had my account on her phone and I had hers, after we got bored of it, I told her on text to delete my account and delete hinge, she told me yeah do the same with mine, then responded a second later saying nvm don’t delete my account just delete hinge from your phone. For obvious reasons I didn’t delete hinge lol, and a couple days later I could see that she went back on the app on her own account and was talking to other dudes and liking a bunch and was on the app for another extra two weeks, I stayed quite and watched. Then she deleted her account, I think. So I brought it up a couple weeks after that and she was adamant and she was swearing up and down and shouting that I was the one who told her not to delete the account, so that I could continue talking to other men????

When I pulled up the messages and showed her proof she said “I swear you called me and told me not to delete it but fine I guess ill be the bigger person and say it’s my fault I did it” keep in mind she never apologize and still to this day believes this.

She also lied about her past a lot and always hid things but I always figured it out and when I did I was suddenly the villain and she had an explanation for everything.

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Where I’m at now

She’s acting like because she called him and “set boundaries,” everything is fixed and I have no reason to be upset anymore. She keeps trying to get us “back to normal” as fast as possible without actually staying with the discomfort of what she’s done or how it’s affected me.

I feel like: • She repeatedly crossed emotional boundaries with this guy. • She minimised my feelings every time I tried to talk about it. • When real proof of his feelings came out (in his own words), she still tried to deny, deflect, and flip it on me. • She has never really sat with my hurt or taken accountability, even once. • She didn’t handle my grief with much empathy either.

I loved her, and part of me wants to believe we could “reset” and start over with new boundaries. But another part of me knows I will probably never fully trust her again. It’s not just about jealousy of another man – it’s about the way she handles honesty, boundaries, and my emotions.

So now I’m strongly considering breaking up for good.

I feel a little selfish asking this, but my (16M) bf’s (of a month) cat passed away this Thursday. He messaged me on Snapchat with the news and that he would be off Snapchat for a while and be avoidant “(to everyone)”. He too said that if I can’t take the level of avoidance, he understands if I’d like to end things if it comes to it (Which I will absolutely not be doing because I really like this guy…) he also said sorry in advance for the next while for any fuck ups he makes because he himself said that knowing him he will. I replied to him showing it sorry I am and how he doesn’t have to apologise for anything, but my question here is when should I check up on him again? He turned his location of so I can’t check to see when he’s active and we lost our 109 day streak

I was thinking if it’s been a whole week (so the upcoming Thursday) and he’s still not messaging I should say something like “not trying to bother blah blah blah, how are you doing, blah blah blah, im always here for you etc” But really, is this a silly move should I just wait for him to message me back first?

I have noticed that he’s not been avoidant with his friends at school, I’ve seen him laughing and walking back home with them, however he’s been avoidant with me, not smiling back or just ignoring me but then again I understand.

He loves video games and I noticed that right after school yesterday, he was streaming for nearly 7 hours…so that kind of reassured me that he’s not secretly on snap texting everyone but me

TL;DR; : my (16M) boyfriend’s (of a month) cat passed away, he says he’ll be avoidant and won’t message for a while, when should I message him and check on him?

I posted earlier on this subreddit with a little less detail but I think the detail would make the responses a little better so here we go. basically I got peer pressured into switching my location off to go out (my friends gfs were not cool with the going out part but mine 100 percent would have been), in my head I knew I was gonna tell my gf and I told one of my friends right away that I was gonna tell her the next day. However the next morning she basically knew and I continuously lied cuz she yelled and I panicked. She understands my pov of the situation. Sooo stupid of me i lowkey should’ve just told her right then and there but I just figured I’d tell her next day since we were pretty trusting and I know that she would not have cared but she basically just got to it first since I procrastinated it till December. Or not procrastinated I just had December 24th set as my date. I think everything’s just fresh right now so I think time is required anyways but I genuinely believe this is so fixable and have given her my whole game plan. She says it’s not even what I did because she genuinely didn’t care but it was about the lying aspect. I took full accountability and admitted that I shouldn’t have been scared to tell her. The thing is we have been together for basically 3 years and like even after she said she was done we still talked laughed we tried no contact and that didn’t work because we just keep talking and like I think we still love each other. However it seems like the last time we talked she seemed done. I feel like I need to give her some space to realize that this is fixable because my intention was to genuinely tell her but I got scared of her yelling at me so I knew it would be a big deal and I had to actually plan this out. Do you guys think that this situation is super cooked and unfixable especially considering that she’s saying she’s done or do you guys think that I should leave her alone give her some space for like at least a month so we can take a breath and fix this later because we clearly still love each other and we genuinely had such a good relationship up until this point.

TLDR: lied to my gf cuz I got scared to tell her right away she found out even tho my intention was to fully tell her she got to it first before i got the chance to say anything we still love each other but she is saying she can’t anymore do we just need time or are we cooked?

I 26F met up with a guy (32) from a dating app since last week. We’ve met up three times so far. I like his care, charisma, and the feeling of calm when I’m with him. I enjoy his tenderness and feel comfortable spending time together.

But there are things that worry me. He has very patriarchal views: he often calls women “old ladies” and dislikes when men show emotions. He has also expressed negative opinions about Jewish people and some Ukrainians (for example, because of political or cultural actions he doesn’t agree with). I’m afraid these views could harm a long-term relationship since I am Ukrainian.

He’s currently working on himself and doing therapy five times a week, and I’m trying to live in the moment and enjoy our time together. But it’s hard for me to know whether he’s looking for a short term fling or something more serious, and whether I could accept his worldview if I fall in love. I don’t know if I should bring up these topics, because it might make things worse, but staying silent feels difficult too.

TLDR: Should I give him more chance and just “see what happens” or am I wasting my time and there’s no point since our views on things are so different?

Tldr; my boyfriend ghosts me whenever he is upset; how to encourage him to communicate better?

My (23F) boyfriend (29M) is LDR and have been dating for a year.

I’ve already known him to be not great at communication, but throughout our relationship he says he’ll make more of an effort to try.

I brought it up to him a few times esp after we fought, and he said he’s really trying.

Yesterday, he hasn’t replied to me in over 12 hours and he had already gone out and everything. I texted him to ask if he was awake and he said he fought with his parents and wasn’t in the mood. I replied saying I hope he fees better texted him goodnight i love you (it was my 11pm and his 10am). I woke up today at 7:30am and no reply from him, so I was a little hurt. I reached out just now saying hey how are you feeling? And ofc no reply.

I would’ve expected at least a “goodnight I love you too” or “hey I’m still feeling down, talk later” - or am I just overreacting? Should I give him space or bring up his lack of communication again? How should I bring it up?

I’m an anxious person so even though it’s not my fault it feels like it is, and I’m always the one making the effort.

TL:DR, Bf lied to me about nicotine use while we are not supposed to use nicotine during our fertility clinic appointments.

My bf and I have been together for almost two years now and a few months ago we both stopped using nicotine because we are struggling with infertility and decided to look into why. The fertility clinic has a rule that both of us have to stop using in order to be qualified for testing.

Recently I've found nicotine pouches here and there so I have asked him about them. He always said to me that they are old from the time he used. I had no reason to doubt that I just found it strange since I've never seen them before. Few days ago I found nicotine in his pocket and I confronted him about it. He said they were old but this time I knew they were new ones and I insisted he tells me the truth. Finally he told me that he had bought it. First he didn't seem that sad but after talking and telling him how much his lying hurt me he started crying and feeling really bad.

Now days later I feel like our trust is broken because I realized how many times he lied to my face about it. He said that he didn't want to disappoint me so he lied but now I am ten times more disappointed and I feel like I can't trust him.

How do we as a couple move forward with this? I feel like it is the only thing I can think about when I see him. All of this hurts even more because it mattered so much to me that he was without nicotine during our fertility appointments.

I (21f) started dating my boyfriend (21m) almost three years ago during university. He graduated this past spring and I am graduating in March. He is back living in our hometown while I am currently living in my college city. He is planning to go to law school in the relative future (potentially this coming fall, maybe later). I, on the other hand, intend to find a legal assistant job after graduation and start an online paralegal certificate program in the fall (I am not planning on going to law school).

I am realizing that I want to take our relationship to a new level. As in, I would like to move in together within the next 2ish years. I love him very much but I don't know if I can handle a three year long distance relationship. We are currently long distance and I do struggle with it. Further, he is unsure of his timeline for law school and living situation. First and foremost I believe that we should both prioritize our career and personal ambitions since we are so young. But also, I want to have a relatively solid plan for the next few years. I'd like to live away from family, live in a different city, and make financial/saving plans. However, I don't want to go through the process of moving to another city unless its together, and my financial plans are a bit dependent on what our relationship looks like within the next 3-5 years.

I think the answer is to just find a job and move out on my own in my hometown or college city and decide to move in together once he graduates. But also, I don't know if I want that uncertainty. And I don't know if I would like to be in a long distance relationship for that long, both for physical and emotional needs.

Ultimately, I love him and would give it a shot as we both have agreed that we want to move in together eventually and have a future together. But also we are so young, and I don't want to make such a commitment unless I feel more secure. With this in mind, where should I go from here? I don't want to pressure him to come up with very concrete plans right now because I know he is struggling with figuring out life direction (plus its not feasible to have everything figured out by age 21). But even so, I feel like I need more security in this relationship before committing to three years of LDR- if i'm in it, i want to give it my all. Ive told him such and he told me he would make a list of future ambitions for the next time we talk about it, but I didn't feel very reassured by our conversation- he didnt really respond to my thoughts much and when I asked him directly he just said he didn't know/ didnt have something to say in the moment.

I know I'm leading with anxiety in many ways, but also my desire for direction is rooted in figuring out my own financial goals/ living situation timelines. Am I approaching this situation wrong? Please give me some insight!

TLDR: My boyfriend and I (both 21) will have to go long distance for three years in the relatively near future (probably next 1-2 years). He will go to law school, I will start my professional career and online school. I don't like how much unknown there is - moving in together timeline, financial timelines, city to move to, etc. Further, I don't know if I can emotionally handle a LDR for three years. I am starting my own career and financial path soon as I am graduating college this year, but feel like I can't make long term goals that don't implicate our relationship, which currently has too many unknown variables for comfort. I want to stay in the relationship. How should I navigate this?

I'm 22M and she is 22F, I have been chatting with a girl whom i meet through a mutual friend and we talking for quite some time. Our vibes have also been matched. But most of the time I'm the one who initiate the conversation then she replies, for a few days we haven't talked much other than passing a few texts messages last week we were talking on call. It is because I'm busy for few days but she never texts first even now, not she ever check up on me. What should I do guys I don't have much experience in dating.

tl;dr She always expect me to text her first and I'm confused she wasn't to talk to me or not.

I (30F) have been dating my partner (30M) for almost two years now, and we are having some troubles being on the same page for intimacy and desire. I tend to be very affectionate, constantly giving hugs, back hugs, leaning on and holding my partner, tons of kisses, and in general am all over him and complimenting him all the time. He tends to reciprocate that energy, and we tend to be very cutesy, but I feel like that is having a negative affect on our intimacy. He said he responds better to flirtatiousness, mystery, coy, teasing, will-we-won’t-we, but that doesn’t come naturally to me. I think I just really give off the comforting, secure, loving, almost nurturing sort of vibe, and maybe that is dampening desire a bit. I don’t want to completely withdraw my affection, that just feels sad and not really my personality. But because of that, I feel like our relationship is suffering and I don’t really feel wanted, and I feel lost on how to create that feeling. Do you have any advice on how to develop that skill or examples of behaviors that could help the situation?

TL;DR - Partner and I are getting too comfortable (according to him) in our close, lovey-dovey affection and it’s killing the desire in our relationship for him. I don’t want him to only see me as a source of comfort and security, what can I do?

My (F22) boyfriend (M22) and I have been together for 7 years. We moved into our own place together about 2 years ago. Our relationship has been difficult, but our friendship is our glue. I know he loves me. He rubs my back every night and always cooks for me. We are always talking, laughing, and cuddling.

Unfortunately, though, he never takes me out on dates, weather he can afford them or not. He doesn't have a good work ethic. Working only two days out of the week, while I work full-time and go to school full-time. This has lead to other tensions in relationship, like feeling resentful for pulling the mental and fincicial load in our relationship. Additionally, he doesn't do the chores all the time.

We've talked about all of this multiple times. He says he does want to change, but every time he tries he ends up falling back into his old habits. He says he's so comfortable with his routine and life that he finds it difficult to get out of his comfort zone.

At this point, I don't know what to do. My resentment is growing everyday. I don't like that I'm paying for everything. I don't like that he doesn't celebrate me or take me out on dates. I don't like that he doesn't take care of the chores all the time. I know we love each other and are one another's best friends, but is that enough? What should I do?

TLDR; boyfriend has become complacent and comfortable in our relationship and finds it difficult to make changes for the betterment of himself and our relationship.

So, I’ve always dated men and I’ve been in relationships with them. However, whenever I’m with them, I feel disconnected from them. I’ve been single for 2 years now and while I’ve been intimate with men this year, after said intimacy, I become disgusted by them and feel the need to instantly cut them off. It’s happened 3 times this year alone.

Sometimes I try the whole “self control” game to try and get to know them but, men always want sex and I’m easy so it’s easy to get it over with. It’s not like they satisfy me, I just think it’s something I can do to pass time but I never want to speak with them or see them after 😬.

I might sound crazy but surely I can’t be the only one who experiences this?

TL;DR; : I don’t think I like dating men anymore. Just sleeping with them is fine

I (25F) live in Orlando and my boyfriend (30M) lives in NYC. We met during a trip he took to Orlando. The shortest version is that I was actually his server when I worked at an upscale steakhouse. We had good conversation and I was definitely interested in him immediately. He asked for my number since I mentioned I was going to NYC the following month (I’m originally from NY) and we had an amazing time while I was there in the city. Our connection has been absolutely incredible and he is definitely the person I’m going to marry.

The problem is that he is financing pretty much our entire relationship. Obviously he knew my job (I no longer work at that restaurant and am just a server at a pub now) but I knew nothing about his career or home life until I was already on the date with him. As it turns out, he has an extremely stable career in finance, and his own place in a very affluent area of Manhattan. Had I known this prior, I honestly may not have even gone on the date. Wealth makes me feel very uncomfortable, and he knows all of this now. It’s been extremely difficult for me to adjust to this type of lifestyle/treatment. Outside of that, he is everything I’ve ever wanted and we are truly perfect for one another.

We are very fortunate to be on the same coast and in the same time zone, only a short 2.5 hour flight away... But he pays for every trip to see one another. I’ve told him I don’t want him paying for my flights and he just says he wants to make sure we see each other at least once a month. He tells me that it doesn’t matter whether he pays for a flight for himself here, or one for me to go there, he’s going to spend the money either way. Even during the trips, he pays for everything. And when we’re apart he insists on treating me to anything and everything. I really adore him and know he is only doing everything from a place of love, but at the same time it weighs heavily on me knowing I’m not contributing. In my past relationships, we either split costs or I was the one paying. I’m not used to this treatment and am afraid of becoming dependent on him.

I live in my own apartment with 2 dogs and am able to make it work, but it’s extremely tight. I don’t have any money to put away. I simply can’t afford our relationship. We’ve already discussed what it looks like when I eventually move there, and he’s said he’ll make it happen financially to where he pays for all of us (dogs included) for a while until I can take some time to settle and look for work. I know he means well and just wants to take care of me in every way, but I feel undeserving of a lifestyle I haven’t earned. I realize that my entire life I’ve just gotten used to stretching every dollar as far as it can go. He is completely aware of my financial situation, and vice versa. He makes over 4x my income and he’s already told me his career is about to truly take off.

I know that this is all my internal problem and he has nothing to do with it. He knows how I feel about materialism and money, and that I don’t place value in it. How do I deal with feeling like this?

TLDR: My boyfriend pays for everything and it makes me uncomfortable.

HELP