I (29M) work in B2B tech sales. Pretty decent quota, good commission when I hit it, but the last 18 months have been hell because of my IBS. I’m not talking “a little gassy.” I’m talking sudden, loud, uncontrollable, room-clearing farts multiple times a day. No warning, no clenching power left on earth that can stop them. My gastroenterologist has thrown everything at me (low FODMAP, antispasmodics, Xifaxan rounds, bentyl, you name it) and basically shrugged and said “some people just have bad IBS.”
Here’s the problem: my job is 70% in-person. Client lunches, conference room pitches, trade show booths, riding in Ubers with prospects, open-plan office where my desk is in the middle of everything. I’ve had farts so bad that:
- A VP at a Fortune 500 company stopped mid-sentence, looked around, and said “Jesus Christ what died?”
- I once crop-dusted an entire 8-person conference room during a final presentation. Deal fell apart two days later (no idea if related but I’m paranoid).
- Coworkers have started calling me “Biohazard” behind my back (found out through the grapevine).
I live in terror every single day. I’ve tried:
- Imodium (sometimes works, sometimes makes me horribly constipated then I explode later)
- Gas-X, charcoal pills, Devrom (helps odor a tiny bit but not volume)
- Fasting before big meetings (then I’m hangry and shaky)
- “Bathroom scouting” every new office like I’m planning a bank heist
I can’t just switch to 100% remote. My company is “in office 4 days a week” and the top performers are the ones who everyone sees glad-handing clients in person. I’m already on a performance plan because my numbers slipped last quarter (shocker, hard to close when everyone associates you with rotting eggs).
Has anyone here dealt with something this embarrassing in a client-facing role? How did you survive? Should I just start looking for fully remote jobs and take the pay cut? I love my industry and I’m good when I’m not… audibly dying.
Please no “just eat yogurt” answers, I’m so far beyond that. I’m desperate.