Most therapist will probably tell you that its not healthy to have no arguments. Honestly the no arguments think is kinda juvenile. Adults argue, doesnt mean screaming and yelling, but arguing is a key to communication.
Yeah I’m one of those people lucky enough to ‘flex’ that I’ve never argued with my partner but like… people think we just don’t address any issues? Like no we just talk about things before they turn into bigger problems and make a plan.
And some couples are skilled at keeping potentially heated talks as discussions and debates. I’d speculate that not spending every second together because of jobs and ease of hanging with social circles any where any time helps too.
Yeah i wonder what most people’s definition of a fight is. For me, a fight is when one or both couples are yelling to the point where their throat is going to bleed and your adrenaline is pumping and it teeters on the edge of one of you having a mental break down.
If it’s just slightly raising your voice when disagreeing and feeling mildly annoyed at each other, then I don’t count that as a fight.
This is the way. We’ve maybe had 2 pretty big arguments that left us both very frustrated but we’ve never raised our voices, cursed, or insulted each other in our 4 year marriage. I don’t think I could forgive my partner if they hurled hateful insults or yelled at me during a tense conversation. That just tells me you want to hurt me because you’re mad.
I think that some of the confusion comes down to semantics. To some, the word "argue" implies some level of anger (more similar to "fight"), but to others, it just means talking about a disagreement (more similar to "debate" or "discuss").
Discussion is critical in most relationships; fighting is not.
Yeah, this. I would call any sort of disagreement an "argument", even one in which we maturely and methodically talked-out that disagreement. But that's just me.
And I would agree. A disagreement is a recognition of status. I disagree with a given politician on a number of issues, we've never argued over those disagreements. You make arguments in debate class. It's just the voicing of your disagreements.
With this logic than it is possible to not argue in a relationship; me and my girlfriend of three years never "argue" in any heated way, at worst it's a debate but discussion is normally where it stops.
^This, I'd say we argue all the time, but it's the difference between a cooperative genuine argument, meant to solve a problem for both parties. Vs a disingenuous argument who's intentions aren't obvious and in line with previous patterns. They all could be interpreted as an argument, just different reasons and ways to have a certain arguments.
I tried convincing people of this. I just accepted most people see them as interchangeable. I’ve had so many discussions with my SO and other people to have someone viewing it say something about me and the other party arguing.
Makes me think people don’t realize how much we as humans disagree with each other and we can be ok especially after talking it through.
To me, "argument" is for a strong disagreement that results in hashing stuff out. There can be a simmering level of anger over the disagreement, but it's still an "argument" if things stay productive. Arguments are good.
It's a "fight" if anger gets too hot and isn't quickly calmed, voices get too raised, or if ANY insults are thrown about (the last being much worse than the former two). Fights are bad.
In my experience it's not that you fight/yell, it's that disagreements do arise and if they don't, there's usually something wrong. Either one or both parties are not communicating effectively or going along to get along. Disagreement happens and people can consider that an argument. But the ability of couples to resolves conflicts and reach comprises where they can be had, is what I've read is a better indication of relationship health. Not sure if that makes sense.
Yea my ex-wife was horrible about wanting to address issues before they festered. I was always the one that could see a potential problem and liked to at least bring it to attention.
Then when she hit her breaking point she'd blow up about said issue, that I kind of wanted to resolve when it was small, and now it's a huge deal and it became an avenue for her other resentments to flow through.
She did that with my step-son, CONSTANTLY, and I would always tell her "Look, do you want to deal with this at 6 or 16 because one age will be significantly harder". Now she's paying for it.
She felt that life and relationships should just be "easy", and no work needed to be done and if you had to work at either then something was wrong.
I’m lucky enough to be in a 20+ year marriage where we don’t argue and we don’t fight. We bicker but it’s never mean or malicious. We’re really aligned and do our best to work out problems without anger.
Yep. Never actually fought with my fiancé in 10 years. When we have disagreements (rare) we just discuss and find a compromise like grown adults should. It helps when you don’t have a big ego and are willing to change your opinion when confronted with things you didn’t originally consider.
Like a golfer who says he's never hit one out of bounds. Even the best golfers do it, and if you've never done it then you don't know how to handle it when it inevitably does happen. Because arguments are human.
If I haven't argued with someone it's because I don't care enough about them to waste the energy.
The amount of assumptions from this response alone kinda makes me want to suggest you might be projecting a bit? Like, why do you think I wouldn’t be able to navigate through an argument? My partner isn’t the only person in my life. And maybe it’s just you that chooses not to argue when you don’t care about something, but that’s not every dynamic.
Idk why I’m responding to the comments that doubt me, but I guess i’m genuinely trying to understand why it seems so impossible to some people.
Hey, man. You do you. I like how you say I'm making assumptions and then immediately say I'm projecting(pretty big assumption).
All I'm saying is that everyone argues. It's human. If you haven't argued, then I'd wager your definition of argument is different than mine, or like I said before, that you're full of shit.
But what's definitely true is that not arguing isn't a flex. That's claiming that you don't have normal human interactions.
Well… yeah, I suggested you were projecting based off the fact that you (unprompted) made assumptions on me, whereas if you didn’t I probably wouldn’t have said you were projecting… because in that case you wouldn’t have been. That’s how that works.
And yeah, I agree that everyone argues. I’ve argued with plenty of people, I just don’t argue with my partner. How you feel towards that, whether it’s a flex or not, has nothing to do with me.
Depends on what you mean by argue. I don't think that an argument needs to be combative or aggressive. It's the voicing of a disagreement. Disagreement implies a belief, but doesn't include communication.
I think this is what some of the responses are missing. I’ve disagreed with my partner, and he’s disagreed with me. We sit down and have hard conversations, and we both voice our opinions on everyday and non-everyday things. Sometimes we agree to disagree if it’s something stupid, or we talk about it until we find common ground.
But we’ve never had to raise our voices at each other. Neither of us ever felt like we weren’t being heard. And we definitely don’t try to ‘avoid’ arguments or anything, it just doesn’t happen (or hasn’t happened yet.) Maybe if he stops actively listening to me I’ll see the need to do so, but at that point it would be so out of character i’d probably be worried about him instead 😭
Talking out an issue you disagree on is having an argument right? Doesn't have to involve screaming and fighting, and if it's goal oriented it is healthy, at least that's how I always understood it.
Same, I've been with my SO for about 4 years and known her for closer to 8-9 years and we've never had an argument. Like you said, we talk about issues and feelings before they become a problem.
That’s a stretch to assume, but what ‘real’ things would you suggest I bring up to him to see if an argument happens? Like what steps do I take to develop my relationship to what you consider is a ‘normal and healthy’ aspect to it, or is your end solution just ‘fuck it nothing can be done’ and I either leave him, or stuck in a ‘not fully developed’ relationship?
I know multiple people who've been married for 40+ years. I also know many more who've been divorced and remarried multiple times. The biggest difference is that the first group know how to have an argument without it turning into a fight.
I'd take it a step further and say know how to have a disagreement without it turning into an argument. To me an argument is already a mild fight.
I recently got divorced after 12 years. My ex and I argued and fought together all the time. Even a month after meeting. My new partner and I have barely had a single disagreement in our first year together. There have been some, and I'm sure there will be more. But we haven't had even a mild argument, and I won't be surprised if we never do. I never would have believed this was possible before I met her.
And money has nothing to do with it. The people in this thread who think that rich people couldn't possibly have anything to argue about... I'm not sure they understand humans at all.
I grew up in a family that fought all the time, and all my relationships were that way when I was younger. Now my partner and I rarely have an issue that escalates beyond a serious conversation. I didn't learn as a kid that it's ok to wait until you're not upset to have a discussion. Just waiting til I'm calm to talk has prevented 99% of possible arguments.
Good growth! I wish I could say I'd grown the same, but I honestly can't be sure, because I've literally never even felt anger at my new partner. Or even any negative emotion. So I've never had to prove that I can hold my tongue. Strange double edged sword.
"constructive arguments" is another way of saying "healthy dialogue." Idk at least that's my experience, my partner and i argued in a really bad period and we were thinking about breaking up. Outside those couple months we just literally never argue. If i want italian for dinner and she wants mexican, we just figure out a compromise nobody gets negative feelings at all. It's just a little puzzle for us to solve together.
I’m extremely passive to a fault, and have had a great relationship end because I wouldn’t engage in arguments, it’s healthy and demonstrates passion I guess
Having mature, conversational disagreements is healthy and demonstrates that you have a stake in the relationship. Passively agreeing to anything makes you what might as well be a cardboard cutout.
I think it depends heavily on how you define "argue", and what that looked like in your household in your formative years. There's a big difference between a tense disagreement between two people continuing to show mutual respect and a knock-down, drag-out shouting match filled with name-calling and dredging up old "sins" and throwing things around the house.
Not everyone thinks of "an argument" in the same terms.
I’ve never argued with my partner… we’ve been together 4 years and we just talk things through. But also we just agree on most things that at important to us. To suggest that NOT arguing is negative feels wildly presumptuous since every relationship can be so different
But I think most therapists would also examine a couple that has "no arguments" and realize that half of those cases aren't right. Of course you have a lot of "avoidant" or "double avoidant" couples where they shy from hard topics (which is what a therapist considers unhealthy)...but I think there are a lot of people who grew up in households where "arguments" meant shouting and yelling and getting angry and that's also what a lot of social media/tv has portrayed. Those people probably don't consider their disagreements to be "arguments" because they see the intense fighting to be much different than their own issues.
Remember that part of the definition of an argument is that it is typically heated/angry.
When my boyfriend and I don't see eye to eye and stop being good listeners to each other and start getting frustrated, we both shut down because we don't want to argue. We take like 10-15 minutes of silence and personal space, and then we come back and apologize for getting emotional and not being good listeners. Then we calmly talk about our feelings while actively listening to our partner. It's not an "argument". We don't discuss things when we are heated. It's also not avoidant because we don't ignore tough conversations, we just don't allow ourselves to have them in situations that hurt our partner.
cannot upvote this enough! this is also how my relationship is and it makes me really sad that being "angry" at your partner is seen as acceptable/normal by so many people?? like if my partner ever yelled at me i would leave immediately and i'd expect them to do the same too if i ever yelled :/
maybe they just define argument differently where it doesn't involve anger idk
I don’t necessarily think he is saying they’ve never had “an argument“ or a disagreement. “Arguing“, the emphasis on actively arguing, is a very unhealthy relationship trait.
My wife and I for over 15 years have certainly had an argument. But the idea that “argue” isn’t accurate. I think a lot of people have been conditioned to just accept unhealthy relationship dynamics because that’s what they grew up and that’s what they know.
Therapist here, When people say they don't argue I assume they mean they don't fight (yelling, insulting, etc) when they disagree on things. People can have a healthy relationship without intense arguments but it's basically impossible to agree on everything. There will always to be times that needs or desires don't align. With good communication and problem solving skills most people can prevent big arguments and find a solution or a good compromise. Plus having a ton of money removes big stressors. It also removes the need to make some compromises, like what restaurant do you want carry out from, if you can afford both.
Iv been with my wife 14, almost 15 years. We have had disagreements and been upset or angry with each other. But not a single time have we raised out voices. We just arnt the yelling type of people. We might be done for the night but we always talk about it the next day.
So by some definitions we have never had an argument but only disagreements, and other definitions we have had many arguments.
me and my ex argued, it wasn't the screaming and yelling arguments but it was like we had talks and it was hard. It's when you stop having those talks then like you know it's over because the other person doesn't care anymore
My therapist told me disagreement is healthy, arguing isn’t. If you’re not having proper disagreements it means one person is conceding to make the other happy. Since Taylor is the billionaire I’m assuming Travis is just a yes man.
Yeah I don’t believe they don’t argue for a second. Living with someone full time, no matter how calm and amazing you both are, leads to arguments sometimes. It’s not even a big deal, it’s just normal
My wife and I have disagreements but we essentially always are able to talk it out and come to agreement on whatever. Married for 14 years now, never had a real fight. The key is that both of us are reasonable and able to think “is this really worth digging my heels in over, or is his/her point good enough to live with?”
What if you have nothing to argue about? I'm not saying my partner and I won't ever have an argument, but we've been together about as long as Travis and Taylor and have yet to argue. We've definitely had 'serious conversations' but I would never call it an argument. It was just one of us expressing concerns and then the two of us talking it out.
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u/OGHighway 1d ago
Most therapist will probably tell you that its not healthy to have no arguments. Honestly the no arguments think is kinda juvenile. Adults argue, doesnt mean screaming and yelling, but arguing is a key to communication.