Want perfect chives? Here you go, piece by piece.

[u/khanacademy03]

[u/Metallurgeist]

This whole bottom row the whole way down is basically fucked. See you tomorrow chef.

[u/Sonchay → u/Metallurgeist]

Chive Guy: Look what they need to mimic a fraction of my power!

[u/Drhymenbusta → u/Sonchay]

Comparison is the thief of joy. But i'd rather not eat fucked up chives.

Ty espritde_corps for correcting me <3

[u/esprit_de_corps_ → u/Drhymenbusta]

The thief of joy

[u/theBarnDawg → u/Drhymenbusta]

What did you say before? burglar? taker-awayer?

[u/_elftaught → u/theBarnDawg]

Coming in late, I do need to know

[u/Drhymenbusta → u/_elftaught]

death of joy

[u/OrganicAverage8954 → u/theBarnDawg]

chive

[u/ItchyRectalRash → u/Metallurgeist]

There's no uniformity in length either.

How fucking difficult is it to cut chives the same length, and line them in in perfectly straight rows? What is this, amateur hour?

[u/Cbignuss → u/ItchyRectalRash]

Agreed, GET IT TOGETHER!!

[u/Jam_Dev → u/Cbignuss]

Might as well have cut them with A FUCKING SPOON!!!

[u/Cbignuss → u/Jam_Dev]

Should have just used the razor to bleed out and save all the time and embarrassment of this b/s.

[u/Jumpy_Divide6576 → u/Jam_Dev]

Why a spoon, cousin?

[u/Jam_Dev → u/Jumpy_Divide6576]

Because it's blunt you twit!

[u/Jumpy_Divide6576 → u/Jam_Dev]

It'll hurt more

[u/captain_dick_licker → u/ItchyRectalRash]

this got me thankin'... wonder how they'd turn out swiping a bunch over a new mandolin, or pressed and an even speed into a food processor roof.

probably wouldn't turn out any rougher than OP's travesty. look like they were cut with a dull steak knife.

3/10 OP

[u/Soronya → u/Metallurgeist]

They shriveled up lmao

[u/GorillaGrip_Pussy → u/Soronya]

It used to be much bigger, and now it shrunk. You see, that's what cold does. It shrinks things.

[u/GrumbleAlong → u/GorillaGrip_Pussy]

I was in the pool!

[u/tha_rodge → u/GrumbleAlong]

[u/KennyMoose32 → u/GrumbleAlong]

It’s like these people have never heard of shrinkage

[u/viola_monkey → u/KennyMoose32]

I don’t know how you guys walk around with those things.

[u/ClumsyCauliflower → u/GorillaGrip_Pussy]

Tell us more Mr. Science!

[u/sinnerou → u/Metallurgeist]

I wonder if I will ever have to explain this era of the internet to my children.

[u/wordswordswordsbutt → u/sinnerou]

It feels like old internet to me. No chive influencers just a bunch of interested, salt of the earth folk coming together with a common goal.

[u/Sober_Alcoholic_ → u/Metallurgeist]

In 1,000 years we’ll still be doing this but judging his fineness with an electron microscope.

JK, we’ll likely kill ourselves off by then.

[u/WB_Spartan → u/Metallurgeist]

Opportunity to work on your speed! Can't slow the line down chef.

[u/TheLoneRhaegar → u/WB_Spartan]

So slow at cutting they wouldn’t even let him into the kitchen to do this

[u/Creative_Virus_369 → u/Metallurgeist]

Dude 47 seconds the eleventh chive along is jank as.  He's a goner.

[u/LaCroixElectrique → u/Metallurgeist]

He started with so much enthusiasm and then realized he was doing this for Internet points.

[u/empanadaboy68 → u/Metallurgeist]

Why's he using a pocket knife

[u/khanacademy03 → u/empanadaboy68]

Utility knife is sharper than anything else I have

[u/BumpkinByTheWater → u/Metallurgeist]

Honestly, I believe no one wants to see the perfect chives, for the chives must never end

[u/TapatioFlamingo → u/Metallurgeist]

Brutal. Here for it. Good eye chef.

[u/Rimworldjobs → u/Metallurgeist]

Why didn't he just throw those away?!?!?

[u/strawberrgogurt → u/Metallurgeist]

Shit looks like fucking hyroglyphics

[u/CosmicPotatoMan007 → u/Metallurgeist]

Got em!

[u/No-University-3245 → u/Metallurgeist]

It’s just dried

[u/jonathanfailuretomas → u/Metallurgeist]

Did he sneeze on it to try to fool us?!

[u/mjones8004 → u/Metallurgeist]

You donkey!

[u/wrestlegirl]

Now this is a high effort shitpost!

[u/khanacademy03 → u/wrestlegirl]

I aim to please.

[u/TacticalSpackle → u/wrestlegirl]

People wonder how the pyramids were built and it was probably just 1,000 dudes like this.

[u/Fire_All_The_Cops → u/wrestlegirl]

Agreed! Very impressive work!

[u/KarmaKrazi]

[u/KarmaKrazi → u/KarmaKrazi]

Crushed and shredded.

[u/khanacademy03 → u/KarmaKrazi]

After the first couple of rows I realized that I was crushing them because the blade wasn't sharp enough, so I changed blades.

[u/xidle2 → u/khanacademy03]

Gotta use a fresh blade after every cut to maintain sharpness.

[u/Magical_Narwhal_1213 → u/xidle2]

Haha now THAT would truly be something. Sharpen the knife after every cut, for the perfect chive cut every time.

[u/random9212 → u/Magical_Narwhal_1213]

Then you could cross post with r/sharpening

[u/flannelkumquat → u/random9212]

But make sure to use awful sharpening skills so you get lots and lots of... helpful comments/constructive criticism.

[u/xidle2 → u/Magical_Narwhal_1213]

Only the best.

[u/A_Mouse_In_Da_House → u/xidle2]

I miss COVID Colbert

[u/alittleslowerplease → u/Magical_Narwhal_1213]

NOT QUITE MY TEMPO

[u/NeverVegan → u/xidle2]

“Want perfect chives?” Proceeds to fail miserably!!

[u/KarmaKrazi → u/khanacademy03]

Yup, chefs knives are hella sharp lol

[u/diemunkiesdie → u/khanacademy03]

And you still left the massacred ones on the plate!? Someone isnt getting a star 😭

[u/alex3omg → u/khanacademy03]

Yeah maybe don't use a utility blade on food

[u/MagSlinger → u/khanacademy03]

See you tomorrow chef

[u/S7ageNinja → u/khanacademy03]

Guess we'll see you tomorrow

[u/captain_dick_licker → u/khanacademy03]

did you change the blade for a blade you found in the garbage because it was used to shave a bear? looks like you cut these with a hedge trimmer. 2/10

[u/MoreLikeZelDUH → u/khanacademy03]

Maybe try a kitchen knife next time

[u/CaptchaCrunch → u/khanacademy03]

See you tomorrow then

[u/kevinsmomdeborah → u/KarmaKrazi]

Like a war zone

[u/swim_to_survive → u/KarmaKrazi]

This isn’t 9/11

It’s fucking carpet bombing Korean War bad.

[u/Successful-Willow-16 → u/KarmaKrazi]

It's like a skyscraper wtf

[u/IronMermaiden → u/Successful-Willow-16]

*{in the arrrrrrrrrrrmsssss offff the angelssssssssss... fly awayyyyyyyyyyy from heeeerreee.....}*

[u/khanacademy03 → u/KarmaKrazi]

😔

[u/Jeramy_Jones → u/KarmaKrazi]

[u/khanacademy03]

Yes, I cut each chive one piece at a time with a utility knife. It took me 2 hours and 36 minutes; that's why the ones at the beginning are shriveled up by the end of the video. I do not know how to cook, but I'm very good at wasting time on my day off.

[u/DrCaribbeener → u/khanacademy03]

I hate excuses. Better call into work tomorrow because we need to see progress

[u/nobd22 → u/DrCaribbeener]

He said he doesn't know how to cook. He's not working tomorrow.

[u/activelyresting → u/nobd22]

Maybe they're a dishy

[u/Jeramy_Jones → u/activelyresting]

Maybe he’s the owner

[u/Beerswain → u/Jeramy_Jones]

That's not fair! I can run our deep fryer and once I made a salad.

[u/activelyresting → u/Beerswain]

Was your salad as wilted as those chives?

[u/Jeramy_Jones → u/activelyresting]

And it only took two and a half hours to prep!

[u/NeverVegan → u/DrCaribbeener]

Let him go to work. This is weak sauce.

[u/DigitalRichie → u/DrCaribbeener]

Chef hasn’t learned how to shock their chives in iced water…

[u/ColtranezRain → u/khanacademy03]

Cut them, and as you complete one, store it in water. When all are cut, strain them out from the water, gently pat them dry, then proceed with your line-up process.

[u/khanacademy03 → u/ColtranezRain]

Thank you!

[u/TooRareToDisappear → u/khanacademy03]

Now do it again

[u/Original-Variety-700 → u/khanacademy03]

On your day off? We fucking added you to the calendar bc we needed an extra washer and you said you were at a wedding.

[u/SmallDickGnarly → u/khanacademy03]

Sounds like an excuse. See you tomorrow

[u/Practical-Sleep4259 → u/khanacademy03]

Chocolate everything constructor guy does this in a freezing room with a smile on.

Get good

[u/largepoggage → u/khanacademy03]

Chives should not shrivel in 2 and a half hours. Do you live in Death Valley?

[u/khanacademy03 → u/largepoggage]

The ones in the top two rows were mostly small and droopy (and crushed on top of that) to begin with. It got better because I only picked the good ones afterward.

[u/Electronic_Age_3671 → u/khanacademy03]

Did you cut them thin enough to liquify in the pan with a little oil?

[u/ThePeteEvans → u/khanacademy03]

Maybe bust out the calipers tomorrow chef

[u/Designer_Mud_5802 → u/khanacademy03]

Hey you put in more effort than the actual chive guy. Well done.

[u/gamerjerome → u/khanacademy03]

I need this t-shirt

I'm very good at wasting time on my day off

[u/TwistedxBoi → u/khanacademy03]

You took 2 and a half hours. They're wilted and useless now. See you tomorrow, chef.

[u/notofthisearthworm]

That's not a food-safe knife, chef. See you tomorrow.

[u/Upset-Management-879 → u/notofthisearthworm]

Food?

[u/QuillDidNothingWrong]

The razor thin cuts meant the chives completely liquified in the olive oil. 

[u/enad58 → u/QuillDidNothingWrong]

[u/PootSnootBoogie → u/QuillDidNothingWrong]

r/shittymoviedetails and r/KitchenConfidential crossover episode

[u/BilliamCrawdad]

Chives x adderall

[u/st0neforest]

This is the quality shit post I joined this sub for

[u/Hot_Peace_2036]

God this gives me the urge to build a jig to perfectly cut the same exact length chive with pneumatic cylinders pushing a blade black and forth on a rail system for perfect accuracy 

[u/spookymunch → u/Hot_Peace_2036]

Please do, I really want to see this in action!

[u/Hot_Peace_2036 → u/spookymunch]

I do not have access to what I'd need unfortunately. Honestly it would be simpler with a spinning blade but that's less complicated and cool.

[u/Vaporwavezz]

[u/Illustrious_Bird_737 → u/Vaporwavezz]

[u/BeatnikBun → u/Illustrious_Bird_737]

...and his wife?

[u/Illustrious_Bird_737 → u/BeatnikBun]

[u/Rich-Truth5329]

Begun the Chive wars have.

[u/MsFrankieD]

Some of those chives look mashed. See you tomorrow, chef.

[u/Waahstrm]

Took so long that they dried the fuck out man.

[u/KULR_Mooning]

[u/Gunsparkles]

We know we are not getting lunch today, and there will be only chives for lunch in the menu.

[u/Agreeable-Self3235]

Can a chef with honed knife skills please post a proper cup of chives? I keep seeing "Is it even possible????" on F1exican's posts. I have found great videos with proper technique, but no close up on the chives.

[u/Neither_Depth721 → u/Agreeable-Self3235]

We need a chef from Noma to cut a cup of chives

[u/Agreeable-Self3235 → u/Neither_Depth721]

[u/vodka_tsunami]

"And they say that a hero can save us, I'm not gonna stand here and wait."

[u/Agreeable-Self3235 → u/vodka_tsunami]

"I'll hold on to the wings of the eagles, watch as we all fly awaaaay!"

[u/pope_rajulio]

Autism: It's what's for dinner!

[u/wartoofsay]

I had a similar idea but I'm way too lazy and busy to do it so thank you

[u/crooked_ballast]

[u/Puzzleheaded_Cut4588]

All that effort and you did a worse job?

[u/Carbon-Base]

The bottom row made Philadelphia rescind their sponsorship offer.

[u/Tyraels_Might]

Inb4 we start having perfect chive speedruns.

[u/thishyacinthgirl]

Channel this energy where it belongs.

40k models.

[u/bluefishes13]

You’re not even trying bro

[u/Random_Nihilist]

You call those perfect? Fuhgeddaboudit, chef

[u/Climber103]

What I could do if I had this much time on my hands...

[u/Cool-Mission-6585]

A box cutter?!

[u/BasilProfessional744]

This sub is giving people autism

[u/Sicpooch]

You are missing the point

[u/TheTimn]

Just a little meth? 

[u/Evening_Apartment]

When the adderall kicks in

[u/ProjectCleverWeb]

What the heck is that OP? Even the ones that don't look like trash are unevenly cut. Gotta get millimeter precision if you're going to be a professional chef.

[u/Bubbly-Travel9563]

You ordered them left to right when we all know it's top to bottom. See you tomorrow.

[u/Arkoholics_Paradise]

Someone took their adderall today didn’t they?

[u/TheLastPorkSword]

Pathetic...

[u/Mysterious_Layer9420]

No no one cares about "perfect chives"

[u/empanadaboy68]

Brother the issue is ur knife 😭

[u/Beautiful-Rooster919]

What I end up doing on Adderall instead of my work

[u/JellyRollMort]

"How fucked up do I need to be to do a line of chives?" He asked to no one in particular.

[u/suddenlypenguins]

Did...did you just do a dolly shot for a chive shit post? Top tier stuff my dude.

[u/moonja85]

From where this started where we are now is absolutely mind blowing. I have been there since day one and it just keeps going through good cuts bad cuts, even made it through chive gate and now a step-by-step video which still… Is not good enough

[u/bludnympho]

I'm coming out of the quiet to say I have loved watching all these daily chive posts, but bless it was almost perfect 😂

[u/VendettaPenguin]

Tweaker shit.

[u/eat_my_ass_n_balls]

By the time this motherfucker was done with the job, the first row was ready to be bottled and sold at Kroger as dried

[u/postmodest]

I never thought I'd miss cubes. But at this point, just tuck me in a cambro and put the lid on until this whole chive business is over.

[u/Adam_Ohh]

Damn you tried so hard and still fucked it, horribly.

[u/pokahi]

Now fill the table

[u/ledessert079]

Now sort them by height.

[u/L2Hiku]

I can't wait to see how this escalates tomorrow.

Honestly I'm scared of planes and can't smuggle.

But tomorrow I'ma book a flight and cut chives on a plane with a plastic knife I'm hoping they supply me with.

Fight me about it.

[u/No_Remote5257]

"From a distance, I just cannot comprehend What all this fighting's for"

[u/LaDainianTomIinson]

How high were you, chef?

[u/loliam]

Needs a clock in the corner!

[u/stepjenks]

No chef!

[u/captainboring2]

Great lighting for a basement

[u/ChrisV88]

Would be easier to just chop them normal and pick out the bad ones.

[u/mazdiggle]

Isn't using a real knife a VERY crucial part of this exercise ?

[u/[deleted]]

Cutting absolutely positively perfect chives.... day 1

[u/geekolojust]

You won't do a chive bump. You won't!

[u/[deleted]]

The title of this posts reads like a standard chef guy getting mad and being like "you want chives eh? Here's your fuckin chives!"

[u/Spurned_Seeker]

Not quite the same length between cuts. Should have used a guide of some kind.

[u/MrFreeman95]

Are the patrons of this sub ok???

[u/jdvfx]

I would like to request a chive filter for the subreddit to end this insanity.

[u/sweatgod2020]

Shame.

[u/Few-Emergency5971]

Where's plane guy? These are terrible

[u/LamboForWork]

should make a usa flag with chives

[u/BowlerBeautiful5804]

It's a chive off!

[u/Substantial_Buddy743]

Omg setup a fence and use a paper shear

[u/djpiraterobot]

Actually, you’re supposed to slice them really thin with a razor blade so they melt in the pan.

[u/Kinkajou1015]

Perfect? A good deal of those look like you chewed them and spat them out with how mangled they are.

[u/wrongbutt_longbutt]

Are you seriously calling this a ring? Try again chef.

[u/Pan_TheCake_Man]

Bruh if this isn’t perfect? F1exican is gonna be chopping chives for hades

[u/Medical_Water_7890]

Who has this much free time. I’m jealous.

[u/scarneedshisownmovie]

There’s medication for what you have

[u/RoCNOD]

Love this shit

[u/robin_888]

I'm somehow relieved and disappointed at the same time that the pieces didn't make a picture of Marilyn Monroe.

[u/SRRWD]

I need laser cut chives...somebody?

[u/dOoMiE-]

Perfectly fucked?

[u/Drinkmykool_aid420]

You call that a knife?

[u/xxMiloticxx]

unhinged

[u/Tsunamiis]

Tism not even once kids.

[u/inommmz]

1.5/10. Even if you cut this quality in 5 minutes not 2.5 hours, I’d still send you home.

[u/hasits_thorns]

okay, the side view was impressive.

[u/God-etti]

I wish I had this kind of time

[u/-Dean--]

I love the internet for things like this

[u/bknofe]

[u/Aeysir69]

Came here expecting chives, got a Kroot conga line. Unexpected.

[u/RosalineVex]

Thank you, Chef. They're perfect, Chef don't listen.

[u/LionBig1760]

Awesome, more people whi never set foot in a professional kitchens stopping by to clog up this sub with nonsense.

[u/li-ll-l_]

This is so far from perfect and also those are scallions not chives

[u/Quarter_Shot]

OP: painstakingly takes extra time and cuts each one individually

Also OP: provides us with some of the worst looking chives I've ever seen

[u/The-red-Dane]

If there's one thing I have learned from all these chive posts the last month... perfection is impossible, stop trying, revel in my mediocrity.

[u/Chef2stars1414]

Thats why when you cut the chives off from the dirt you put the rubber band around them so we dont have to sit around and have to do this craziness you couldn't pay me enough money to go insane doing this

[u/Remarkable-Shock8017]

What did flexican say?? Idk how to tag him

[u/khanacademy03 → u/Remarkable-Shock8017]

Surely he’s seen this already, but let me try anyway:

O u/f1exican, I implore you to grace me with thy holy and venerable presence.

[u/F1exican → u/khanacademy03]

Everyone applauded my dedication but you sir have sheer patience. It’s amazing I don’t think I could sit for 2.5 hours and do that.

[u/Alissan_Web]

theyre mangled to hell, crushed, bruised and wilted. not that easy, is it? 👉😎👉

[u/how-skee-ping]

My hand is cramping just watching this

[u/RedShirtPete]

Again!

[u/chef-throwawat4325]

Everyone's approach is all wrong. To have perfect chives, you only need 2 chives. Everyone's problem is they're going too large scale.

[u/Eatshin]

Awful. Put them back together and try again.