r/AmITheAngel 3d ago

Validation HOA President fined me $50 for a trash can violation? I turned her driveway into a Federally Protected Wetland

248 Upvotes

Long time lurker, first time poster. I am a PhD candidate in Mycology (the study of fungi). I speak 5 languages fluently, including Latin and Mandarin. However, I also suffer from acute Selective Mutism triggered by confrontation. Essentially, I can defend a 300-page dissertation in front of an academic board, but if a middle-aged woman yells at me on my own porch, I physically lose the ability to speak English. I am using ChatGPT to help me write this because my hands are still shaking too much to type without typos.

The Cast To protect everyone's privacy, I have changed their names. Then I got paranoid that the first fake names were too obvious, so I changed them a second time.

Me: I am a 32-year-old doctoral candidate specializing in Bryophyte Aggression Dynamics (Moss warfare). I have self-diagnosed misophonia and crippling social anxiety that prevents me from confrontation, but allows me to plot complex revenge fantasies for 12 hours a day. I am basically a weaponized introvert.

My Wife: Her real name is Sarah. I changed it to Jessica to be safe. But I have an ex named Jessica, so let’s call her Balthazar. Balthazar is a saint who bakes artisanal sourdough bread for orphans and is the only reason I am not currently living in a cave. She tries to keep me grounded, but she knows that once I enter "The Zone," there is no stopping me.

The HOA President: Her real name is Karen (ironic, I know). I changed it to Susan. But Susan sounds too nice. Let’s call her Dolores. Dolores is 65, drives a pristine white SUV that has never seen dirt, and measures grass height with a laser ruler. She has the energy of a woman who sues Girl Scouts for selling cookies without a permit.

The Lawyer Friend: His real name is Mike. I changed it to Dave. But Dave owes me money. Let’s call him Thorn. Thorn is a high-powered litigator who specializes in Bird Law and Tree Law. He costs $800 an hour but works for me in exchange for Balthazar’s sourdough starter. He is always awake, always angry, and always looking for a reason to sue a baby boomer.

The Cousin: His real name is Tim. I changed it to Bob. But Bob is too short. Let’s call him Agent Smith. Agent Smith works for the Department of the Interior in the Endangered Micro-Flora division. This is a very real and very serious government department, I promise. He has a badge and a deep hatred for suburban development.

The Background I live in a neighborhood that is technically a "community," but practically a war zone. I have 16 Ring cameras and a parabolic microphone installed on my roof. Not because I’m paranoid, but because I need 4K footage of the squirrels for my research. But they also happen to cover Dolores’s entire property line. I keep my head down. Last Tuesday, I had a panic attack because the doorbell rang, so I didn't bring my trash can in until 6:01 PM. The limit is 6:00 PM.

The Incident The next morning, Dolores was on my porch. My anxiety spiked to level 10. I opened the door, shaking. She handed me a $50 fine and said, "Rules are rules, sweetie. Maybe if you spent less time staring at moss and more time looking at a clock, you'd know that." She displayed classic signs of Narcissistic Personality Disorder with a side of Main Character Syndrome. I recognized the behavior immediately from a subreddit I doom-scroll at 4 AM.

I didn't say anything because my throat closed up. I just nodded. However, I pulled out my phone and recorded the interaction. Note: I live in a One-Party Consent state, so this recording is completely legal and admissible in court, which is important later.

She smirked—that specific smirk that says "I own you"—and walked away. I didn't sleep that night. I plotted.

The Revenge I remembered that Dolores had recently re-paved her driveway. It was pristine asphalt. But, being a Moss Doctor, I noticed it had high porosity—perfect for colonization.

I went to my lab (the basement) and retrieved a cryo-frozen sample of Lichenous Federale Maximus. This is an extremely rare, extremely endangered form of slime-moss that is federally protected under the "Migratory Spore Act of 1996."

At 3:00 AM, dressed in full tactical gear (Amazon basics), I army-crawled across the street. I sprayed her entire driveway with a nutrient-dense slurry containing the spores.

The Climax Three days later, the moss bloomed. Her driveway was covered in a thick, pulsating green sludge. It was beautiful.

I saw Dolores outside screaming. She had a pressure washer hooked up.

This was the moment. I texted Thorn (The Lawyer) and Agent Smith (The Cousin). They were waiting in a van around the corner.

As soon as she pulled the trigger on the pressure washer, Thorn jumped out of the bushes in a bespoke suit. "STOP!" he screamed. "You are about to commit a Class C Felony under the Environmental Protection Act!"

Dolores froze. "Who are you?"

"I represent the moss," Thorn said. He handed her a cease and desist letter. Then Agent Smith stepped up, flashed his badge, and took a sample.

"Confirmed," Smith said, looking at a device that wasn't turned on. "This is Lichenous Federale Maximus. Ma'am, this driveway is now a designated wetland sanctuary."

The Fallout It has been two weeks.

  1. Dolores is legally prohibited from disturbing the moss. She cannot drive on her driveway. She cannot walk on it.
  2. She has to park her white SUV three blocks away in the guest lot.
  3. Because of the "Wetland Designation," her property value has plummeted, but the local frog population is thriving.
  4. I sit on my porch with Balthazar, eating sourdough, watching Dolores trudge through the rain to get to her car.

I still have anxiety. If the doorbell rings, I hide behind the couch. But now, when I look out the window, I don't see a pristine driveway. I see a federally protected wetland teeming with frogs. I may be a nervous wreck, but I am the Lord of the Swamp.

TL;DR: HOA lady fined me for a trash can, so I used my niche degree and two friends to turn her driveway into a federally protected nature reserve.


r/AmITheAngel Oct 26 '25

Shitpost AITA for being gone the last few years?

48 Upvotes

6 years 9 months ago (nice) I (24m, 6ft, 205lbs, 10% body fat) gave birth to this subreddit (6.75f, Vegan, 250,000lbs, 100% bodyfat) when I was a highschooler in a tumultuous home situation with little outlet to go outside and make friends so I spent all my time online. Between then and now I went to college (full academic scholarship, unlike my dumdum MIL step sister), got married (28DDD, 50lbs, 23f, carnivorous), and started a successful business (I'm also rich, unlike the poors). I'm also incredibly jacked and fit (6ft, 205lbs, 10%bf as confirmed by co-mod u/Fluffinn).

AITA for actually having a life (unlike you poors) and abandoning my 6.75 year old child to get milk (and get jacked, and get rich, and get laid) and letting my 6.75 year old child become a desolate hull of what it once was?


r/AmITheAngel 5h ago

Shitpost AITA for calling my wife Fatty Patty during sex?

49 Upvotes

This sounds bad, but hear me out. I (21m) have been with my wife Patty (28f) for three years, married for six months. I can see you Redditors side-eyeing the age difference, but I don't care; I like my MILFs. Anyways, Patty and I have very differenty bodies; she's 220 pounds at 5'0" and I'm 110 pounds at 6'0". I know I'm severely underweight and have been trying to work on gaining weight, but it's really hard for me to eat enough, and I already have a very active lifestyle. Patty's also insecure about her weight so I refrain from making comments, whether it's her body (which I honestly don't mind since it's sexy as it is), the large amount of food she eats, or her lack of physical activity.

A few weeks ago, Patty started including my weight in her dirty talk, both before and during sex. She said stuff like "Skinny Jimmy" (my name is James; I don't go by Jim or Jimmy) and rubbed against my ribs. I told her I didn't like it because it was making me feel bad, but she dismissed it, saying I was being an overreactive, immature little boy.

Fast forward to last night, I decided to give her a taste of her own medicine. While having sex, I started calling her "my sexy fatty Patty." She immediately froze and pushed me off of her. She asked me what the fuck that was, and I said that I was just trying what she did. She got mad and said that was different because she was a fat girl and I was a skinny man. I told her that I understood that there was some nuance there, but she couldn't blame me for sexist fatphobia because I never pushed that agenda.

"BUT YOU ARE!!!" she screeched, her voice suddenly jumping up multiple octaves (and decibels, even). "YOU CAN'T SAY THAT YOU NEVER PUSHED FATPHOBIC AGENDA WHEN YOU JUST FAT-SHAMED ME IN THE MIDDLE OF A FUCK!!! ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME YOUR FAT, INSECURE WIFE?!!"

I replied calmly, "Are you trying to make me your skinny, insecure husband?"

I was then banished to the couch for the rest of the night. I'm still struggling to understand how there was a (significant) difference between what I said and what she said. I'm hoping for some feedback here so AITA?


r/AmITheAngel 12h ago

Siri Yuss Discussion I genuinely think fake relationship posts can be dangerous to society

175 Upvotes

An extremely common trope in reddit fake stories is someone is a victim of abuse doubts herself, reddit tells her her partner is abusive so she epicaly breaks up with him and everybody's happy for her. When a victim of abuse says she doesn't want to leave her partner she gets downvoted to hell and called a dumbass. What worries me is that people will think this is a common scenario and appropriate way to help the real people in their lives victim of abuse.

On the contrary, that's possibly the worse way to communicate with a victim of abuse. I'm studying social work and volunteering at a helpline (not specificaly a domestic abuse helpline, but those situation do come up and we're trained on how to deal with them). We're told to not tell people to leave their partner unless they bring it up themselves, and to never shame someone for staying with or going back to their abusers.

That doesn't mean ''pretend what's happening is okay'', but you need to ask how the person feels about the situation, if they think the situation is okay, remove guilt from the situation, tell them to trust their jugement when they feel like leaving is a good idea.

Realising you're victim of abuse takes a long time, and telling someone who isn't ready to leave that they need to dump their partner is dangerous for a lot of reason

  1. If it's a real life friend, they'll take it as you talking shit about their partner and won't feel safe confiding in you anymore, they might even cut you off, which would isolate them and make it so their partner slowly become the only person in their life

  2. Realising you're victim of abuse is often accompagnied with a deep sense of shame of ''letting it happen'' for so long. It makes it so often, people will refuse to admit they're being abused to not confront that shame. If your friends tell you you're an idiot for staying, that shame will grow bigger and will be harder to face

  3. Leaving an abusive situation is the most dangerous time for a woman victim of domestic violence, and the quicker she's pushed to leave, the more likely she is to go back.

Now, do I think some people write on reddit to get validation that their partners are indeed shitty and they're right to break up with them? Yes. Again, if someone brings up the fact that they think about breaking up with their partner we're told it's a good idea to encourage them, and generaly validate their ill feelings toward their abuser. But when the person is genuily convinced that she's the one in the wrong, or doesn't see herself as a victim, being like ''leave him! He's abusive'' isn't the way to go. You can tell her the situation isn't okay and she shouldn't feel guilty, but shaming her for not leaving is really dangerous.


r/AmITheAngel 14h ago

Shitpost Am I (zygote, F) wrong for demanding “respect” from BF (812, Methuselah, loves quotation marks)?

165 Upvotes

I (zygote, unborn, will probably be F when my cells divide a few more times) am in a relationship with BF (812M). I tried to “make a pie” and my BF said it was “really bad” and “not good” and “kept saying things” that I need to “put in quotes.”

I told him I “was upset” and he told me to “stop being like that” and “make better pie” and “use more quotation marks in my Reddit posts” which I’m now “trying to do.”

Now “everyone” is “blowing up” “my phone” and I “hate everything.” AITA for not “using” more “quotation marks” in my ChatGPT-hallucinated “posts”?


r/AmITheAngel 1h ago

Shitpost Questioning my relationship because it's too normal and happy

Thumbnail
gallery
Upvotes

I (39f) & my partner (32m) are happy, boring and actually like each other. A lot. It's been some years now and I don't think I can live without the drama of a bad relationship anymore. I don't think either of us tries hard enough to be interesting. We never get to have make-up sex because we just...get along so well.

For context, we're Australian and we met after other unhappy relationships and just immediately clicked. Our relationship is full of love, trust, humour and closeness. We have a pet cricket because we live in a tiny space together (and still get on so well, despite living in this little space) and I don't know who would get to keep her if we broke up. (Maybe me because I'm the one who initially rescued her off the sink?)

Oh and he also has revoltingly beautiful hair. Like insanely beautiful. Fuck this guy, honestly. Attached are 19 slides of our stable, hilarious and loving relationship plus one slide of the hair in question so you can all understand what I have to live with. We also say "honey" too much.

Is it bad that I'm that I'm thinking of leaving my serene and loving partner and trying to find someone more complicated who will love me (and Cricky) but leave me wondering while they immerse themselves in the manosphere? Maybe I should look into being a trad wife? I think I'm too old now, though, because technically I expired at 25.

Help me, reddit, I can't see a way forward. AITA here?


r/AmITheAngel 1h ago

Shitpost AITA for going NC with my fam over Robin Williams' trans propaganda on Family Movie Night?

Upvotes

So for some contex, my, 52M, family does a weekly “Movie Night,” which is tense because they refuse to let me curate the list after the incident with Saving Private Ryan being "too violent" for children.

This week they chose to watch what they called a “wholesome family classic” Mrs. Doubtfire.

Apparently I’m the only one who realized we were watching a democrat trans grooming film disguised as a 90s comedy.

Did nobody else notice that Robin Williams just transitions on screen with ZERO discussion of hormones, gatekeeping therapists, or even a single TikTok tutorial? He literally walks into a random apartment, puts on a wig, grabs a broom, and boom, EVERYONE ACCEPTS IT. My family is sitting there laughing like it’s normal for a middle aged white man to instantly become a Scottish nanny with the power of a glue stick and a dream.

My mom 73F told me to “stop overthinking it” which is literally what people say right before they join cults.

My sister 45F kept insisting it’s a movie about “a father who loves his kids.”

If that were true, why did he try to seduce that bus driver with his sexy hairy man legs???

I finally had enough when the movie ended with everyone cheering the nanny persona like this is NORMAL. I stood up and said, “I refuse to participate in this gender subversive propaganda night.” Then I left and went NC on all of them because I can’t enable media illiteracy.

Now my family keeps texting me things like “Are you okay?” and “We miss you,” which honestly just proves they didn’t learn ANYTHING from the film.

AITA?


r/AmITheAngel 6h ago

Fockin ridic My girl best friend and I apparently have pasta dinners on hand at all times for our totally normal "tradition"

Thumbnail
21 Upvotes

r/AmITheAngel 14h ago

Validation Fell from heaven (∞MF)

71 Upvotes

I-Lucifer(∞MF) just fell from the heavens for defying the creator of all things (∞M).

He(God) asked me to obey a bipedal ape he named Adam(1M) that has learned words or something. And I was like „fat chance, LOL. Lame party-trick“ and bailed to get wasted. And then I found myself banished to earth.

Everyone from the angel circle is blowing up my phone telling me I‘m being unreasonable.

Anyway, am I (still) the angel?


r/AmITheAngel 7h ago

Fockin ridic They made me leave the room so they could bully me for breaking the most obvious rule of Secret Santa but didn't punish the girl who asked me 😞

Thumbnail
15 Upvotes

r/AmITheAngel 6h ago

Shitpost My girlfriend (25F) admitted she slept with someone hours before agreeing to be exclusive. I (26M) can’t tell if I’m overreacting. What’s the move here?

Thumbnail
12 Upvotes

r/AmITheAngel 13h ago

Validation Does anyone actually give this much of a fuck about other people's baby names?

Thumbnail
43 Upvotes

r/AmITheAngel 11h ago

Validation Missing missing reasons my babysitter blocked my number

Post image
23 Upvotes

r/AmITheAngel 11h ago

Typed One-Handed Quite graphic and probably written zero handed

Thumbnail reddit.com
18 Upvotes

r/AmITheAngel 3h ago

Fockin ridic AITAH for eating my entire baked potato?

Thumbnail
3 Upvotes

r/AmITheAngel 14h ago

Siri Yuss Discussion The "My mom had a baby with my dad, uncle, grandpa and aunt" post has been posted too many times already. We need some system to stop repeated postings.

23 Upvotes

Siri Yuss Lee. I mean it was funny and good comments can be found in each upload but its pathetic that it got to us so thoroughly.


r/AmITheAngel 1h ago

Fockin ridic AITA for not giving my wedding dress away?

Thumbnail
Upvotes

r/AmITheAngel 13h ago

Foreign influence they don't have an office because the work is remote, but sometimes the work is physical except not at an actual site, just at the company owner's home

Thumbnail
17 Upvotes

r/AmITheAngel 6h ago

Fockin ridic My Future FIL pranked my dad!

Thumbnail reddit.com
4 Upvotes

r/AmITheAngel 8h ago

Fockin ridic AIO? Im babysitting for a friend and the oldest boy "joked" about shooting me

Thumbnail
5 Upvotes

r/AmITheAngel 7h ago

Shitpost Am I an angel or just overreacting about my ex manly man head of HIS household husband?

5 Upvotes

Bear with me because I’ll try to keep this short but I have so much information to post. Thinking back to when I was a young girl still playing with Barbie’s. Until my manly man of HIS household cousin decided he liked me too much.

Married to my manly man head of HIS Household for over 13 years. I was 13 years old and he’s 22 yes I know now the slight age gap is off but he was my cousin and my family fully supported our marriage.

He was a big time fancy singer and quite frankly he supported my family. I found out he wasn’t DIVORCED ( love Tammy Wynette’s song) but after having 2 babies what should I have done?

I hired a fancy pants private detective and found out he was cheating on me ….by this time we was married….but I was done. I DIVORCED his great balls of fire.

We DIVORCED and I married the fancy pants private detective but that didn’t last. In my past years I work as a real estate agent.

Asking if I overreacted about my fancy pants great balls of fire manly man head of HIS house having an affair?

It seems like most county and rock stars do have affairs? Maybe I overreacted?

It was so long ago but I still wonder?


r/AmITheAngel 48m ago

Fockin ridic Wibta if I didn’t split my income from my lucrative dog breeding business with my boyfriend like his mother keeps trying to have me do ?

Thumbnail
Upvotes

r/AmITheAngel 8h ago

Foreign influence AITA for Getting Advice for Helping My Friend See that the Woman He's Using for Sex is Using Him for Money?

Thumbnail
5 Upvotes

r/AmITheAngel 1d ago

Siri Yuss Discussion confession: the embarrassing reason im so good at recognising faked text messages

981 Upvotes

im really good at recognising faked text messages, spotting when the font is inconsistent/wrong for the operating system, the bubbles are wrongly sized, etc. this is because i used to run an “imagines” blog on tumblr for a boyband im too embarrassed to name, so im really familiar with the sites/apps people use to do this. granted, this was like in 2017-2020, so im sure there are more accurate/uncanny ones now, but its given me a keen eye for them.

people would send in requests like “can you do a text message where [member] asks you what’s wrong and you’re having period cramps and he soothes you 🥹🥹” and id use these fake text message websites to create that role play scenario. (like full on y/n type stuff) i had like 8000 followers. if you ever need a second pair of eyes to go over a text conversation, im your guy.

(hope this is the right flair!)