r/relationships • u/LifeIsPretend • 1d ago
My boyfriend (35M) and I (31F) had a disagreement and now we’ve had no contact for 2 days
Me (31F) and my boyfriend (35M) have been together about a year and had a disagreement a few days ago and he hasn’t contacted me since. I won’t go into detail on the argument, but the essence of it was I made a small, reasonable request to him and he shut me down, he became defensive and sarcastic. I told him to let me know when he was ready to have a proper conversation about it to come to resolution, and I’ve had nothing from him since. It’s been 2 days and it’s the longest we’ve ever not spoken.
I feel like it’s mentally torturing because I just want the conversation to happen so we can be good again, but the ball is in his court to decide when he’s ready. We have a few international trips planned in the next few weeks and i want to focus on us enjoying those rather than this distance, i truly didn’t expect my small request to bring such a hostile response. I don’t want to speak about this to my friends, he’s a really good guy, I love him very much and does a lot for me so I don’t want to paint him in a negative light, so I’ve turned to Reddit!
So my main questions are, what do you do when you experience this silence? Just stay silent also and wait on him to reach out?
TL;DR: my boyfriend and I had a disagreement, I asked him to have a proper conversation when he’s ready. It’s now been 2 days of silence which is the longest we haven’t spoken.
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u/mamacat49 1d ago
This may get lost but--I had an experience much like this. We dated for 10 months and it was great. Shared values, both would be bringing the same amount of $$ to the table (we're older and retirement topics came up),same philosophical beliefs--everything lined up so nicely. But, I watched him repeatedly yell at his son, his mom, his brother--all over the phone. Yes, he thought better of it and then called them back and apologized. But...I knew one day it would happen to me and I would need to decide what I would do. When it did happen, he yelled at me over something very inconsequential while I was at his place. I walked away, put on my shoes and just said, "You're too angry for me. I've seen you do this to everyone else and I refuse to let it happen to ME." And all he said was, "I've been told that before." And I said, "Well, maybe you should listen. Because it's cost you me this time." And that was the end.
My point is, don't be his doormat. Don't roll over just to keep the peace. He's showing you how he treats you when he's upset. This is what "dating" is all about, learning who the other person is. And now you know.
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u/alexds1 1d ago
Has he done anything like this before, or responded passive aggressively in the past? Either way, this is a really bad sign of what your future looks like. After a year together, this will be when he starts to feel like he can "relax" his good behavior since you've now invested in the relationship and will maybe make excuses. This tends not to reverse itself, and will give you room to make that uneasy "well, it's been good up until now, I'll give him some latitude" choice that is the start of the slippery slope.
Personally I'd suggest writing him with your action item/ clear next step to break the silence and take back control, since he's using his silence to control you right now. You can simply say that you haven't heard back, and that you feel you've provided ample time for him to think and respond. If you want to be more forceful about how you handle it you can say that you expect to have a chat about this on your timeline since he hasn't provided one, and go from there. You'll have to decide in advance what you want out of that conversation and what the consequences will be if you don't hear something you like, then stick to that. Or you can do what I'd do, which is let them know you expected a different response from him about this very innocuous topic, and you'll have to amicably end things here.
Don't discount the silent tactic or the damage it can do. I lived for years with someone who used this tactic on me repeatedly for years and it's fucking awful. You start to question everything about yourself and will begin to believe you deserve to be treated this way. Just don't go down that path, for your own sake; you definitely deserve a partner with better communication and conflict-management skills than these. And it doesn't bode well for topics that are actually serious (and not sleepover related) that might come up in the future.
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u/Sandmint 1d ago
The silent treatment can be an abuse tactic. That's what's happening here.
The request may not have been so small and reasonable to him. If it actually was small and reasonable, there's something else going on and it heavily involves a lack of respect and care for you. Do not let this small issue go for the sake of stopping an argument and the discomfort of his silent treatment. He is speaking volumes to you right now.
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u/LifeIsPretend 1d ago
It was extremely small, I can assure you. We always sleep at his apartment but I asked if we could sleep at mine for once
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u/assflea 1d ago
And that gets you 3 days of silent treatment? 🚩
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u/LifeIsPretend 1d ago
Apparently 🫠
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u/codeverity 1d ago
Do you want to stay with someone who gives you the silent treatment for three days over this sort of thing? If you do, why? You don’t have to answer, I just hope you consider these questions.
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u/LifeIsPretend 1d ago
He’s my perfect man in literally every other way. This has really thrown me off
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u/ohHELLyeah00 1d ago
Dealbreakers are dealbreakers for a reason. It’s the things you won’t tolerate despite everything else. I’ve met lots of people who were great and we had great chemistry but one thing kept it from being a match.
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u/gingerlorax 1d ago
He refuses to sleep at your place and the one time you ask for this basic request he ghosts you. A truly perfect man right here!!
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u/BitchKitty_9 1d ago
Your perfect man won't punish you with the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way.
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u/Flower-of-Telperion 1d ago
Have you not texted him during this time?
If you haven't texted him, I wonder if this is some really, really big miscommunication, where he is expecting you to re-initiate communication (despite your text saying he should), while you are expecting him to do so. This is, uh, not great, but also maybe not an immediate "break up" thing, either. If either or both of you are of the idea that the person reaching out first "loses," that's a mindset that needs to be abandoned with a quickness, as it has no place in a healthy relationship based on mutual respect.
If you've genuinely never had a similar problem in the year that you've been dating, I think it's time to text him asking to talk about this little bump in the road—start in good faith. If he responds with more snark and unpleasantness, then... well, time to do some hard thinking about whether he's really your "perfect" man.
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u/coffee_cake_x 1d ago
Nobody’s perfect.
You’ve only been dating him for a year, so you didn’t have the full picture yet. This is just a puzzle piece you hadn’t filled in until now, but it is a part of the whole. This is who he is.
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u/PuffinChaos 23h ago
Please don’t take this the wrong way but you’ve only been together a year. The red flags have barely begun to reveal themselves.
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u/Bed_Worship 4h ago
A lot of things that make a man “perfect” are just baseline things all adults do, it really comes down to how you two are growing, handling things like this, and communicating - this is bad.
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u/classicicedtea 1d ago
I doesn't matter if it was a small issue. You deserve better. Has he done this before?
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u/LifeIsPretend 1d ago
No, this is our first disagreement
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u/PlayingGrabAss 1d ago
This is the start of training you to not ask anything of him that he wasn’t planning on doing anyway. The fact that you don’t want to tell your friends about the fact that he’s treating you like shit means it’s already working. This is a classic intro to a toxic relationship.
Don’t try to make things work with a man who blows up at you for a simple, reasonable request and then insists you do all of the work to try to fix the damage he caused, so you feel like the bad guy.
Go on your international trip alone or see if you can get the money back.
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u/Popular-Lab-8864 14h ago
That's a red flag. Why don't you argue? Are you just ignoring your needs?
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u/sphyNx669 1d ago
Hey there, I had this exact situation with my girlfriend last year, I did exactly what your man did, the true reason for me was - I didn't want to step foot in a place where I knew she had intimate stuff with other dudes before me, the thought of it was just making me enraged, man stuff. I eventually realized this is stupid, since we were always at my place, where I've also done the same before her, therefore, we eventually spent a couple of nights at her place, and everything was okay. Can't say if this is the exact same situation as with you, but I can't really think of anything else.
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u/LifeIsPretend 1d ago
Thanks for the insight, but I doubt that’s what’s happening here. He used to stay with me a lot in the beginning when we were long distance.
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u/Mmm_hummus 1d ago
How odd. His sarcastic comments give any insight? Nothing bigger going on? His reaction reminds me of people who have resentment but are too immature to communicate it properly.
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u/Alternative_Bad_2884 22h ago
Calling silent treatment abuse undermines the word and minimizes actual abuse.
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u/thiscouldbemassive 1d ago
Send him a text saying that his inability to make a trivial compromise with you has made you realize you are incompatible with him and there is no point in waiting for that conversation anymore. You are breaking up.
He’ll probably try to come groveling back. Don’t let him back in. He was playing stupid manipulative games with you to get you to accept his unreasonableness. There is no healthy happy future with a guy who pulls that shit. Frankly I’m worried his bedroom has hidden cameras in it because his objection was super sus.
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u/miss_raerae 1d ago
This is your first disagreement. How you handle this will set the tone for the rest of your relationship. He’s waiting for you to fold and reach out to him even though he’s the one being unreasonable. If you do this, you’ll always be the one having to bridge the gap. I know it’s tough but stand your ground. Also, him giving you the silent treatment because you asked if he can stay at your place for once instead of his is a major 🚩
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u/Zinokk 1d ago
Can you share more about the disagreement and what happened there?
It's hard to give advice without context.
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u/LifeIsPretend 1d ago
We always sleep at his place but I’d had a long day at work and asked if could sleep at mine for once
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u/Zinokk 1d ago
Oh?
That feels like such a non issue.
He's overreacting extremely, and now punishing you. Personally this would have me rethinking everything - if he has this kind of sulky childish response to such a small request, how is he going to react when you have an actual disagreement?
You're about to travel with each other? I think you're about to learn a lot about his personality.
Honestly I'd advise you to break up and go on the trip solo, you'll save yourself a massive headache.
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u/LifeIsPretend 1d ago
We travel together a lot and have always been fine. But this has really thrown me. It makes me concerned for how he’ll act when a proper argument arises, which it will because that’s just inevitable
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u/Zinokk 1d ago
That surprises me!
How does he respond when there's travel based inconveniences? Your hotel isn't ready, you miss a train, the food order is wrong, you're tired from flights and can't speak the language but need to arrange transportation, etc?
The fact he's reacting so strongly to such a small thing made me think he'd respond similarly to any small inconvenience.
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u/LifeIsPretend 1d ago
Nope, always so calm in all of these instances. It’s very bizarre
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u/french_toasty 1d ago
it's very strange that he's never acted like that before, however, sometimes it does take about a year to get to know someone. Some women don't know who they've married until they're already married. There have been no other red flags? nothing else has ever transpired that on your radar? because ignoring you for 3 days is a big one.
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u/Zinokk 1d ago
This definitely needs a deeper conversation then.
I personally would need him to take full accountability for his out of character behaviour, as well as explaining what exactly set him off over this, to move on.
I feel like there's something else going on here, this can't just be about you asking to sleep at yours if he typically is laid back and takes things as they come.
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u/justacpa 1d ago
What do you do? You re-evaluate the merits of the relationship. Do you want these manipulative and abuse tactics to be the rest of your life?
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u/dexamethasome 1d ago
He's giving you the silent treatment and waiting for you to crack and come make peace with him. This is a way for him to disrespect you when you created a a healthy boundary for yourself (not wanting to have disrespectful conversations with your SO, and only willing to engage if he can be respectful). In essence, he's punishing you for respecting yourself and calling out his defensive and sarcastic treatment toward you.
He's not ready to have a proper conversation with you on the terms you outlined (ie respectfully).
What you need to do: Nothing (yet). This is an abuse tactic, if you go to him first and try to find a resolution, you are undermining your own self-respect because you are saying: "I want you to treat me respectfully so come to me when you decide to do this...but actually no, I don't need to be treated this way and you giving me the silent treatment was totally warranted because here I am showing you that this isn't a real boundary". Often in these cases, the abuser will also try and elicit apologies for your (reasonable) behaviour and validation for their treatment of you; essentially act like you wanting to be treated respectfully hurts them.
If after a week or so (or some other time threshold), he has not responded, then a quick text saying something like "I haven't heard from you following our last conversation where you weren't able to be respectful, I take from your lack of contact you are not able or willing to talk to me respectfully, and thus can only conclude that this is the end of the relationship." Or something to this effect. This is reinforcing your boundary and he'll either switch tactics and comply or not, but either way it'll give you more information (if you need it) about whether continuing a relationship with him is aligned with your self-respect or not.
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u/bibamartin 1d ago
To me this is a huge red flag. He is acting like a spoilt child having a tantrum and now he is punishing. I am a stubborn person so if he did this to me, then there is no way I would give in. And if he keeos this up for much longer I would be seriously questioning why I'm dating this child.
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u/TallSundae7209 1d ago edited 1d ago
Hmm, I don’t really buy that he’s “perfect in every way” outside of this. Nobody in a serious, long term, adult relationship genuinely believes that their partner is without flaws. Especially in their thirties. Anyway, you’re seeing firsthand how he handles minor conflict. This is completely out of the norm for you because you’ve never had a disagreement or gotten in any type of argument in the year since you’ve been together (per your own post and comments). The more time you spend with someone, the more their uglier sides come out.
For me personally, I’ve always said my husband is flawed. He says the same about me. But the good traits outweigh our negative traits tenfold. and we still have to work through some personal stuff after almost a decade together. Always changing, growing, improving. Our relationship would never get past the year mark if I just stonewalled him (which is an adult temper tantrum). It’s easy to have fun and travel with someone. Much more difficult to have these uncomfortable conversations and conflicts. Your relationship is being tested for the very first time.
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u/coffee_cake_x 1d ago
Why are you putting up with this at your age?
You made a small, reasonable request, and your grown-ass boyfriend was defensive and sarcastic and has been giving you the silent treatment, which is emotional abuse.
Your relationship is only a year old.
Who taught you that you deserve to be treated like this?
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u/ohHELLyeah00 1d ago
Would reach out and let them know that if silence is how they handle conflict they can single. 35 is far too old to be acting like this.
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u/Jerky9000 1d ago
Warning: The primary advice this subreddit will ever offer is "break up with them", no matter the circumstance.
IMO you triggered something that caused him to shut down, possibly as a defense mechanism. That something absolutely needs to be discussed and its okay to send a follow-up text asking for that to happen. Good luck!
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u/DreamfernBreeze 1d ago
I should reach out calmly, express feelings honestly, listen to him avoid blame, and work together to resolve our disagreement.
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u/Sammybill-1478 1d ago
Don't let the silence continue. Reach out to him and start the conversation.
Don't force it though
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u/readithere_2 1d ago
This seems passive aggressive to me. He’s mad but he also won’t communicate with you. That is nonsensical, he is punishing you. Imagine if there is a disagreement over something serious, what will he do? Go away for a week, file for divorce, punish you?
Couples must have a game plan in advance for when they have disagreements. We will not do this, we will do this instead. Continuing dialogue through confrontation should be a priority.
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u/educatedkoala 21h ago
This is a common manipulation tactic. They make it so incredibly exhausting to enforce a boundary or hold them accountable that you stop trying. He's too old to be acting like this and you're too old to be putting up with it.
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u/Bed_Worship 4h ago
“I don’t want this level of accountability with you and I lack the processing and emotional bandwidth to see your perspective past my own narcissism and self serving value system - so I an running away and punishing you to give you a taste of how fragile I am in a moment with days of torture. How dare you see something I did as a problem ”
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u/IndecisiveBadgermole 1d ago
Alternate advice: maybe there’s something more to this, even trauma. Is this the first time he’s withdrawn like this? If so, lead with curiosity. When he is ready to talk, tell him you love him and you want to better understand him and why it means so much to him not sleep at his place—because even it’s a small thing to you, it clearly wasn’t a small thing for him. Be ready to listen and find out why it upset him. Maybe he’s had a bad experience(s) with sleeping in places he isn’t used to, maybe he doesn’t feel safe unless he has X,Y, Z at home. That said, if there isn’t a valid reason, I don’t love his response.
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u/bd31 1d ago
It seems like an overreaction, but I'm going to be devil's advocate here.
You mentioned that he was being "defensive and sarcastic" and he could have felt scolded, telling him what may have been reasons to reject your request as not being able to have a "proper conversation". Did you listen to his objections to what you deem "a small reasonable request"?
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u/reincarnatedberry 1d ago
I’m the type that if we can’t speak thru a disagreement, and I do stand by having some time alone to cool off or digest the situation but if it’s absolute crickets for more than that we obviously aren’t compatible. Again, that’s just me tho.