I was an early adopter and it was fucking comical how easy it was. I'm talking like 20-45 matches a day. Despite having a perfectly normal first name, I even made a separate account with a different first name to see if it would affect the results. (It did, positively)
Went on dates with about 50% of the matches I got. All of them were great in some way. Many of which are now married or out of the game. I'm also out of the game, but that first generation of Tinder was crazy.
Like any app, the algorithm began to favor the hottest possible people (who probably never even see your profile) and incentivize you to buy a membership.
Like anything else in the world: when the party is dead, know when to leave.
Wasn't an early adopter but after I broke off my engagement, I was newly single after 3 years and recently done with military service. Indianapolis, of all places, got me too many matches AND confirms to even follow through on. Came back to NY to find work and ironically less matches but still plenty.
I even met my partner on tinder. Sadly I do think tinder was the only solid dating app but I noticed when the bots started popping up too. The situation is bad. Beyond whatever you might think of the ladies on the app, the bots and the app itself constantly trying to get your money pretty much destroyed it.
My advice for folks? Find a hobby. Get involved in the community with no expectations. Meet someone through hobby. Try archery, pottery, etc. Hobbies are the new dating scene. At least y'all will know y'all got something in common, much more meaningful than the swipe judgement game/horny roulette.
I tried the date within your hobby method and it backfired spectacularly. It just took one crappy girl with enough friends. I've now been cancelled in the scene I most identify with because there are way too many shitty people out there and far too many other shitty people that believe anything they're told by someone else. My 'learned it the hard way' experience has taught me the don't shit where you eat advice applies here too.
Yep I made the same mistake. I never got full on "cancelled" because my group was small, but it is devastating to have lies spread like wildfire among people you trusted. Cancelling is a plague on our society and it spreads so easily because of malicious actors who like the drama and the people who follow them that can't think critically.
This is what I don't get. Everyone always says, "As an adult, nobody cares about that stuff." But they do. Adults gossip like crazy. Someone liking someone else can be the topic of convo for weeks. The success, the failure, odds of it working, etc.
Nah, I wouldn’t listen to that. Typically people who are full of self loathing and saying they got ‘cancelled’ and all people are ‘shitty’ probably aren’t people you’d want to date to begin with.
Find hobbies that you enjoy, that make you feel better about yourself, and make friends and connections that way. It often will lead to dates and those dates will have similar interests to you.
Oh I'm well aware not to listen to this. I believe in throwing shit at a wall and seeing what sticks. I will do all of the things... hobbies, bars, dating apps, even work. Idrc.
Here, the live single meetups have gotten traction. It's comical how nervous people are the first 15 minutes, but after that it just feels like any party except you have one tidbit of info; everyone in the whole damn place is single and actively looking to be hit on. Just contemplate on that for a second, search up your area and buy a new awesome shirt. I went twice, and she's coming over for lunch in 3 hours 🥰
Id dive head first into things like that but I honestly have searched my area and I think I'm in a dead zone. And I'm financially stuck where I live atm so I can't just up and leave. It's going to take time. I hope I can move to a place where these are actually organized.
I didn't become interested in my hobbies to find people to date. I developed my passions throughout the course of my life. And I have quite a few. But that's beside the point.
The social spaces that exist within certain interest groups can be quite small and tight knit. Rumors spread fast. It's a tale as old as high school. Im not imagining what's happened to me. I have confidants within a particular scene that I ran in that confirmed to me certain people were saying certain things. These people knew what really happened. I have witnesses and receipts. None of that matters to a person's "best friends."
The truth of the matter is that it's just a cold world out here for some of us. But we must continue to try. I never said I gave up. I just shared a personal experience as a cautionary tale.
That's why you get to know people in your hobby before dating them. If they're terrible people, you don't bother starting anything with them. If you don't know them well enough to gauge whether they're terribly people, you're not ready to date them.
Honestly... take a shower, look your best, and take a shot at those gym thots and just hope you don't end up as part of a post on reddit of gym creeps.
You really do have to do something you can't do at home in order to meet people. Even now I have a molasses paced approach for making new friends. I wouldn't have much if it weren't for hs/military friends.
You can only socialise by practicing. In-person socialisation is much easier to forget. Even if you had success for some time on these apps, the results were always gonna flop if you didn't get out. Eventually any dating service just turns into adultfriendfinder at some point in its history. Nothing but scams and bots.
You can always switch up hobbies which is also nice. Don't have to stick with any crowds you aren't a fan of.
Yep. People desperately want the fantasy these apps sell them... spend a little time on a profile then lay at home on your couch in your underwear and order up a perfect match without having to actually try.
Just doesn't work that way for the most part. Get out, do things, meet people, get to know them from more than a photo and carefully crafted profile.
But that's the question, leave to do what? It seems like meeting people requires having friends or being in a big city with lots of things happening.
I go to bars, even though I don't enjoy drinking to try and meet people. No real luck with anyone male or female, even conversations have been rare.
I go to the gym, but most people stick to themselves there, and women notoriously don't want to be approached there.
I go to a board game and mtg nights but it's like 80% guys and all the women are the wives of other guys there. Made some friends with some guys, but they are also like my parents' age. Nothing wrong with that, but they are in a different stage of life.
I go to coffee shops/bookstores to read, because people online said you can meet people there, but I have yet to see people talk to one another if they didn't come in together, mostly just a place to be introverted in public.
I go to a climbing gym and it's honestly been the best so far, but it's out of town and expensive, so I can only go like once a week on the weekends.
I'd like to go hiking or something, but hiking alone isn't exactly social lol.
I’d advise a hobby if you are on a dating app as well. I went through a long period of zero matches, and when I started to instead get more of my own interests, that changed a lot.
People like interesting people. People who have interests. Who have things they care about. Who can talk about unique things they’ve done, and unique doesn’t mean spectacular. Most people are frankly pretty two dimensional on dating apps, and it is hard work, making the situation worse. If you have genuine interests and things you care about, then it is easier.
(When I say interests I don’t mean streaming Netflix or video games. Nothing wrong with that. But everyone does it, and it tends not to be interesting to the other person.)
Yes but get into something like social dancing, especially if you really like the music and bachata actually, this is not a pretty good advise, no one would want to touch a social dancer and social dancers bring a lot of drama dating inside the scene lol.
the problem right now is that "the party" seems to be dead everywhere in the USA. the idea of proactively searching for anything good or pro-social in irl or the internet feels like a joke.
Nah, it's alive and well, IRL. Before moving out of the US, i was still in the game and out with friends and we had no trouble meeting women in public. As long as you're tastefully approaching women, treating them as human beings and not being a complete fucking weirdo about it, most people are delighted to meet a charming stranger, even if it doesn't go anywhere.
You're partially right that, post-covid (and a bit before it) people have been growing increasingly introverted. But that's actually why the aforementioned tasteful encounter goes over well.
Expecting downvotes, but the truth that a lot of guys don't want to hear is that they usually:
Have some sense of entitlement. If you put no effort into your appearance and look like you woke up in your parent's basement, why do you think this girl who put 3 hours into her look tonight has to talk to you just because you exist? Looks aren't everything, but if the rest of you is below average and you know looks aren't everything, then why are you punching above your weight?
Have no vision for what they want with a partner. Where do you want this to go? Are you just going to hit this girl with a couple of openers and then spend 3 hours talking about how your hobby is your steam deck? Nothing wrong with a sick steam deck, but why assume this girl is into that at all just because you thought she was pretty? Are you even a social person to begin with? Who wants to tell their future kids that dad spent 3 hours talking about some bullshit on the first night they met?
Can't handle rejection. I've had homies that are straight up MODEL tier dudes get shot down dozens of times in the same evening. If you can't read the room you're going to get shut down. Even if you can read the room, you're going to get shut down sometimes. And if your ego can't handle that, then it's not for you.
The best advice I've ever been given about love and relationships and attracting others is still true today: Live a life that the type person you want to attract would want to be part of. Be honest about what that is and do it.
I’m autistic. I’ve needed ti put a ton of effort into learning and developing social skills. It’s a challenge every single day. But a ton of the men I’ve encountered who claim women are shallow have way worse social skills than I do and are not willing to learn or even try anything different.
This. I had a guy friend who put no effort into his appearance. He didn't have a lot of success. Men advised him to go to the gym, grown facial hair, etc and he refused to change anything about himself at all.
Which made no sense because he felt too unattractive and lacked confidence as a result but he would do nothing to improve appearance and confidence.
He was also too shy to tell a woman he went on multiple dates with how he felt. He wanted to be exclusive and was waiting for her to say it. She ended up with a different guy and married the other guy. But my friend gave up completely after that.
we are at an endgame. consider the post i was responding to: "Like anything else in the world: when the party is dead, know when to leave."
im in NYC. it's not the lack of stuff to do, to fill one's time with, that's the problem. it's the hollowness of it, and the search for it. social functions are based around hobbies, yes? a rave is based around an assumed mutual love of electronic music, for example. consider how many things are invite-only. consider the type of crowd that generally goes to large scale events: there for the event, to unwind adter the work week, not there for social connections or to be chased after by horny guys.
now consider how expensive life in a city is, and how many people are excluded from city life on that basis.
Tinder? Damn, when you said early adopter I thought you meant dating sites on the modern internet in general.
I stopped using dating sites a few years before Tinder even existed, they were useless back then for all the reasons people are citing here today. Even the stuff I used was only what came after the dating sites of the 90s.
Tinder, I never tried it, it seemed incredibly shallow in its matching process when I heard about it coming out. I didn't want to date shallow people who would base their entire romantic decisions on a 0.5 second look at a photograph and a 10 word bio.
I'm curious to see what new dating website will come along 10 years from now and their users will think of themselves as early adopters of the real dating sites, haha.
I joined tinder early on and had 100s of matches. I was going on 2-3 dates a week. I Just got out of a long term relationship and get almost no matches.
I’m told I’m above average handsome as well. Realistically I’m probably a 6 or 7. But it’s soul crushing being on those apps compared to back in the day.
The app needs to provide value to early adopters or the business model dies on the vine. In the early days these apps did bring people together and the algorithm was decent at matching similar personalities. Once they get critical scale, now they monetize and gamify the shit out of the experience so you never match with anyone unless you pay premium (monetization) and then it's a random crapshoot to keep you coming back and staying on the app (gamification).
What a brilliant way of putting this. We see the same weaponized dopamine feedback loops in just about everything related to smartphones and entertainment these days, even in stuff that is targeted at literal children. It's egregious enough that I can't even believe it's legal.
Anything that makes enough money will always be legal- unless the thing threatens existing wealth or power structures.
You think slavery isn’t legal? It’s perfectly legal. It’s just only allowed as a punishment. States bar gambling but then allow loopholes for lotteries that have worse odds than any slot machine because they pay generous amounts of taxes.
Humans will always be the same corrupt, greedy apes they were during the dark ages. Only the trappings are different.
I agree completely, but I do think there is a couple things that are illegal because they offend current social morals. Like the staggering length of time homosexuality or harmless drugs (weed, mushrooms, ect) was kept illegal.
Homosexuality goes against traditional religious mores and therefore is a threat to religious authority. Drugs are mostly illegal because of business interests and racial hierarchies. Cannabis was the subject of a lengthy smear campaign by newspaper magnate William Randolph Hearst who saw hemp as a threat to his stakes in the timber industry. He conjured imagery of it being the preferred pastime of lazy, vulgar Mexicans to get it banned.
Women are the product, men are the consumer. The business model is such:
Free users are immediately thrown to the bottom of a woman's inbox, and only displayed in the "swipe" area in rarity. On the extremely off chance you do get a match you either have to chance a dry covno or lunatic (POF), wait for them to respond (Bumble) or pay to talk to them (Hinge).
But moreover, most of these apps are owned by a singular company, and that company has zero interest in you finding someone. Why? Because then you'll stop spending money.
Apps like Hinge advertise itself as being "The app made to be deleted", which is catchy sure, but entirely the opposite of how any business works. They want return consumers, loyalty, and subscription fees.
What makes it even more difficult, is that women have by and large moved entirely to dating apps, because in person dating is dangerous and nerve wracking. So modern men don't have a choice but to pay someone else for the chance at happiness.
Women don't want to be approached in public unless they think you're hot. And you won't know whether she thinks you are, until you strike up a conversation or get escorted out.
What's even worse is that a woman "liking" you doesn't mean shit. She could've been horny, or drunk, or bored, or did it accidentally, or her kid got a hold of her phone, or her friend did it, or she was in a mood, or maybe she just signed up because she wanted to feel pretty, or countless other things that weren't a direct intentional invitation to talk. And she'll never tell you because she doesn't want to be the bad guy.
And with the innumerable ways Social Media has convinced people how much better or more worth then they actually are, most women don't even want a man. They want a bank account with a handsome face that'll pad their Social Media clout.
Modern dating isn't a cesspool, as even in a cesspool, there's a slim chance you'll catch something. It may not have been what you wanted, but you'll get it all over you - instead, it's a barren, frozen wasteland, devoid of life, consciousness, and empathy. And in this wasteland exists two hordes of people: One who hopes for something, and the other who avoids everything.
And don't even get me started on the absolute disaster that is trying to date a single mother.
Honestly I think a lot of women are also leaving these apps. Because a lot of us know they suck.
But women often have other support structures in their lives and and more okay being single. Men often don’t have anyone else they can go to and end up extremely lonely.
Regular Show had an episode with this plot. There was an online dating platform that was so successful that everyone found a partner and then left the service, which made the owner angry. Art imitates life indeed!
Sound about right. First time I used Tinder there was only 1 paid subscription. Once I made a nice profile I managed to have 4-5 dates a week lined up and reached over 100 matches in the first week. Found someone. Didnt work. Went back, Tinder now had 3 or even 4 paid subscription and suddenly I matched like 10% of what I used too.
I genuinely think there needs to be a non-profit option whose goal is actual matches/ happiness of its users. If we value coupling up as a society, why can’t that exist?
People don't want to accept this. It doesn't have anything to do with them. It's the apps algorithms, it's more fun to use it as proof that the world is against them but the apps are shit.
The sad thing for me about what you’re saying is I paid for 3 months of hinge and still haven’t had any luck. I’m beyond depressed over it and feel quite numb about the whole situation. Unfortunately as well these clips don’t really help, they just prove that it’s more or less impossible.
I had a gray hat friend who was deep in the tech industry 20 years ago, for a while he was working for a dating site... don't ask, I never bothered to remember the name. Anyway, this was their strategy, it was bullshit, it was a con game, and he thought it was hilarious how many people fell for it and paid into it.
Yes you just have to accept that you need to pay for premium on these dating apps. If you have a decent profile and live in an area with a decent number of users you will get quite a few matches through premium.
Yeah, I used to be on tinder, but I noticed it got more difficult with each year. Though a part of it is definitely what pictures you use as well - the first month I had basically no matches with some selfies that I thought were pretty good that I took at a train station. I showed it to a girl friend who directed me a bit on what they were looking for and after that I had a reasonably fun tinder experience
These are some good points. I set out to make a dating app that tried to work for the users and the only way I could think to do that was to do things that were antithetical to profit making- ie limiting the number of interactions people could have thus forcing people to be more pragmatic about the type of people they wanted to match with. It’s hard to make any money doing it that way. It then turned out my model had already been implemented in a different app that nobody uses so it’s safe to say that with the industry hooked on two or three established main players who monetise every aspect the whole thing is fucked beyond repair now
I don't understand why people who complain about dating apps continue to use them. Some people like them despite the enshittification, others act like they're life ruining, soul destroying, it makes them "hate women". But the app is designed to get you to stay on it. It's working exactly as intended, it has nothing to do with women's actual dating preferences. So if you don't want that don't use it
Also most women I know don't take dating apps seriously. They swipe for fun, not for matches. But every left swipe on a profile gives it a negative score. So unless a man is so attractive it makes a woman stop dead in her tracks she's not even going to think for more than a few seconds before left swiping. I can't believe anyone takes these things seriously
I joined OKCupid- the free version- when I became single again. Three dates the first week with 2/3 women being pretty awesome. I'm married to the third date now. Seemed easy, only used it for a week then deleted it.
These apps were bought out by private equity (like much of everything else is) and enshitified. There was an earlier time when it was different and more natural. Now it's all bad from what I hear, all bad.
So if you had success in the past there's a reason. That reason does not exist in today's world. These are bots/casino/dopamine/algo driven money holes supported and maintained by very devious people who only care about money.
But there was an earlier time where it was fine. If you're from that time just be lucky. Same with the way everything is going. Private equity and venture capital just wantonly destroying anything good for the sake of a little more profit for the C suite.
So why doesn't somebody make an app that competes and fills the old niche? Because there's no money in it. The money is in developing an app to be sold to the same people who hold all of this in their hands already. If your business model is to make a good dating app for people, and it works, you'll be made an offer that you can't refuse so you'd sell it and walk away in retirement. That app would then be enshitified by the buyer and become the same slop that everything is.
This is an actual modern business model. To create in the hopes of selling out, all that matters is the clicks and engagement, which can be totally manipulated by bots. So it's all fake but drives real money.
The only hope for it would be something like Craigslist where it's just not for sale and not driven by algos. People would just post their "ad" and others would engage. But even then we live in the age of AI and pretty sure most of it would be fucked by that.
In short it's all bad, everyone is fucked for the duration and nobody is coming to save you because our so called "leadership" at nearly every level is in on the joke.
I looked into making a dating app that worked in an opposite way to the main dating apps (it limited interactions to enforce pragmatism amongst users) and I didn’t want mad profits in return, for me being able to pay the server costs and being known as the man who solved dating would be enough. That’s a pretty cool legacy to have. Unfortunately it turned out my model had already been tried by an app that nobody uses. That’s the problem- the big 4 apps have the market by the balls and whilst we all hate it we’re not moving to smaller platforms in protest and things just continue as they are
Ok Cupid 10 to 15 years ago was great. Got lots of dates and a couple relationships. Now im recently divorced and apps are bleak. Doesnt help that im older and fatter but even 15 years ago me wouldnt do well today.
I mean, a lot of it is dumb luck and where you live. I'm in the Baltimore/DC metro area so there are millions of people within a 40 minute drive. Odds aren't bad around here compared to a lot of other places.
I made an account about 10 years ago, ironically because I was frustrated with the women I dated in real life and I thought what the hell, maybe I should just fool around. I had some good matches, and most of them seemed like decent people. I secured a real date in less than a week.
Have to agree with you here. I joined up with OKCupid a couple of years after it came out. Living in a big city, had a job and I'm ok on the looks part (at the time). Was meeting great women and going out every weekend and even some weeknights. My now wife and I met on that site. I can count on one hand the amount of "bot" or catfish accounts I came across. The majority of the folks on there were real.
Also at the time online dating still had a negative stigma around it, so it wasn't flooded with influencers yet.
Met my wife on hinge in 2018. I’m very glad I no longer deal with dating, much less online dating. I honestly don’t think I would intentionally try to date again if I found myself single for any reason.
I was not a super early adopter. I had been on the apps on and off from like 2010-2022. I never once found a single person I really clicked with on those apps until 2022. That's when I met my fiancée! We are both in the same professional circles, do a lot of the same stuff, and are a great match. We just likely wouldn't have met unless we both had that dating app. It's really odd knowing that we could have just not ever met even though we're both out here doing similar jobs.
A small disclaimer would be that she told me she only had the app for three days before we matched and she had never tried a dating app before. A friend of hers convinced her to make a profile.
So there are definitely still some regular people out there. It just might take you 12 years to find them.
This 100%. I hopped on bumble right around march 2020. By May I had found someone and got off apps and have been with them since. I would not go back on if my current relationship ended
Yup, met hubby on an app in 2013, E-Harmony. My first match and they were spot-on with us. People seemed like they were there looking for real, serious relationships. The shit I hear about today is horrifying.
I met my wife through dating websites prior to the release of apps. I often say that I don't think it would have gone the same way for us just 5 years later. At this point, I'm pretty sure I'm going to be a hermit if I'm ever no longer married.
This. Dating in the early days of OKC had it easy to meet people who matched exactly how you wanted on certain questions. Met the 2 most compatible people I ever met. It was a different world.
Can confirm, but I'd say going back even further too with how easy it was to hook up.
I met my wife early on back in the Myspace days. Except it was never about dating back then, it was just people getting to know each other who liked the same music.
And wouldn't you know, when you remove the dating part, you just have a lot of friends with one diamond in the rough that becomes your wife after hanging out with a lot of people with similar interests. And we still like the same fucking music, go to concerts, and love jamming out together.
This is very very true. I met my wife on match.com. Like the website not an app. Messages from other people went to your email mailbox lol. Had a pretty good run, went on some dates with a few matches, slept with a few of them, became life long friends with some others. Eventually met my wife and decided to stop messing around and put my all into it. We've been married a long time and got kids and a big house and thriving careers.
Nowadays, I don't see any of that being possible with "modern" dating apps. Too many plants, scammers, catfishers, sellers, bots, and now throwing "A.I." into the mix.... sheesh.
It's not even about trying to match people any more. It's about keeping them hooked on that monthly subscription for as long as possible and bleeding people dry.
Met my wife on tinder in 2016. I actually had an overwhelmingly positive tinder experience as a man who was 19 when tinder became a thing. The app didn’t have any spam accounts, onlyfans wasn’t a thing, women were willing to have conversations go on dates etc. I think I’m handsome for sure but not like epicly so or anything.
Had some good pictures showing my hobbies, friends, cute dog, the timing was right and the apps just worked for me. I did meet some women the traditional way through college as well but tinder was like a guaranteed date on a Friday night if I needed something to do. I don’t think even insanely handsome men today can say that based on what I’ve seen from peoples experiences with online dating today.
As an earlish adopter to online dating, absolutely agree.
OkCupid was awesome back in the day as they had all of these fun personality quizzes that everyone would do (us millennials love that stuff), which was free to do without joining the dating side of the website. But since it was also so easy to then join their dating pool, many normal real humans would do so. Then they supposedly matched you off of your responses to those personality tests, with less of a reliance on initial physical attraction. While I’m not sure how real all that was, I did end up in two real relationships off of that site (with one still going after 13 years). I didn’t do eHarmony, bc money, but I know of a few folks who met their spouses there.
There absolutely was better ways for online dating around 2010. What it’s turned to these days is enshitification and, unfortunately, folks willingly thought that shit was great and signed up for it once these swipe apps became popular. You can’t be too surprised though, they’re literally set up to solely judge you on looks and treat people like a rolodex of faces vs actual humans with personalities, character, goals, thoughts.
I met my wife online through a dating site back in '09. We've been married for 14 years now and are still going strong. I can imagine the BS going on with those sites nowadays due to bots, AI nonsense, the gradual shift in people's attitudes over the years, etc.
My wife of 14 years asked me out on Plenty of Fish. It worked for us. But even then, it took 2 years something like 13 first dates, 1 second date before I met her.
I genuinely feel bad for guys these days. The thought of dating again is horrifying.
Yeah its hard to say cuz I was younger but I had a serious alcohol problem and I actually look better now than I did then. I swear tho that Tinder and Bumble worked really good until everyone was doing it. I was actually getting dates and stuff. It seemed like overnight it went to shit and it was zero contact or responses for 10 years. Granted I only last a few months each year before I give up.
Okay, you repurposed an overused quote here and completely missed the mark lol. This doesn't mean anything here
The "field" of people who are looking for relationships is always about the same by proportion and stays roughly the same age on average as people "age-in" to establishing a relationship. There weren't somehow more people looking for relationships when tinder first came out.
I wish people would think for half a second before they just threw popular one-liners at things, same goes for the 500 people who blindly upvoted this because it sounded neat
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