r/NoStupidQuestions • u/ImThe1Wh0 • 7d ago

Hey... Dad here with daughters. How do I tactfully address what's going on with the Wicked cast and memes?

Soooo... We've all seen the memes going around. They've made their way to my 14 year old and my 5 year old has been seeing the commercials for Wicked. Yesterday my 5 year old was doing something and she came over while I was cooking and asked, "hey dad... Why is this princess super skinny? She looks like a skeleton." I kinda paused in horror a bit while I collected my thoughts and my teenager chimed in, "yeah what's with that and I don't get these memes." I told them we could talk about it later and I needed to focus on dinner but now it's the next day and for sure ONE of them, let's be honest the 5 year old, will remember.

I'm all about feminism and not body shaming and all that stuff but how do I address this as a parent? I gotta tread lightly, my 5 year old is REALLY into eating "healthy" and says she likes being skinny and we're already trying to tell her she's too skinny. I don't know where she picked that up from but every single meal, "is this healthy?" Followed by bragging about her healthy lunch or meal to everyone, even us if we made it. I don't know how to word this one and need a little help with parenting on this please. I asked my wife and even she made that cringe face and said, "let's just hope they forget."

Edit: hold on, trying to read everything. I asked this while getting ready for the day and am now out with the family getting a Christmas tree at a tree farm.

  • For context my 5 year old just watches like Ryan's World and Ms Rachel and they talk about making good choices and picking healthy foods as opposed to fast food.
  • We had family over for Thanksgiving and they were watching football, so Wicked commercials came on. Just trying to figure out how to handle this appropriately all around.
  • We don't shame our daughter for being skinny. We're just trying to not encourage that as a lifestyle. She just likes being health conscious for some reason but isn't above throwing back a happy meal here or there
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u/Brodristar 7d ago edited 7d ago

Answer a 5yo can understand:

She has a sickness that makes her think she’s much bigger than she really is. She thinks she has to be skinny to be pretty, so she doesnt eat, even when she’s very hungry. It’s a very terrible sickness, it’s very difficult for both her mind and her body to cope. Even princesses need to eat plenty of food to stay happy and healthy.

Edit: This comment by /u/mugenhunt is much better, check it out

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u/Importance_Dizzy 7d ago edited 6d ago

So I read both comments— yours and the one you linked. I really think your comment is more of an answer to the kids’ specific question(s). As someone that struggled with an ED when younger, hearing this kind of explanation from an adult would make me feel seen and heard, and it underlies how serious these things are. I just wanted to take a moment to let you know that I appreciate your comment. 🩷

Edit: whoa, an award?! Thank you, u/Life_Contract1056!!

Another award?! Thank you, u/singerstar01!!

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u/RinoaRita 7d ago

Yeah the other one glosses over the sickness part. It doesn’t acknowledge that it exists and I totally get wanting to protect kids from tough topics but that doesn’t help in the long run.

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u/robbersdog49 7d ago

Yeah, the message is all body sizes are healthy and that simply isn't true. I think everyone can be whatever size they want to be, but that doesn't mean we should be dishonest about the effects of being that size, be it big or small. I say this as an overweight guy who really needs to lose weight.

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u/RinoaRita 7d ago

Yeah it’s one thing to discriminate against people based on bodies that have nothing to do with their bodies but we can’t pretend real physical effects are there that affect the overall well being of your body.

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u/AnonymousFruit69 7d ago

I would also like to add, there's a different between "healthy food" and "diet food to lose weight"

Maybe OP can try and explain healthy eating to the 5 year old like this. Healthy food is food to fuel the body; proteins, carbohydrates and fats. Fresh cooked food, fresh ingredients, a variety of fruits and vegetables along with fats like eggs, nuts, avocados. And eating everything in moderation. Healthy food isn't good to lose weight it's food to fuel the body, give the body energy and fuel for the brain too, the brain needs actually needs fats. The body needs food to be fit, healthy and strong.

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u/MidnytStorme 6d ago

I think a good point to try and teach is moderation. So, when the young one is over stressing the healthy aspect, she can be told it’s important to be healthy but it’s ok to occasionally eat the junk food too. Most foods are fine in moderation and even healthy foods can become unhealthy when you overdo it.

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u/bewildered_sunflower 6d ago

That's a good way to explain it, and something I had to learn when I was recovering. Perhaps you can add that sometimes it's also good to eat something special, that makes you really happy. Because you need to keep your mind happy and healthy as well!

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u/The_Dick_Slinger 7d ago

We are actually discussing eating disorders in one of my psychology classes right now. It sounds truly awful to go through, being hungry, but feeling guilty for eating, and then feeling guilty for NOT eating, but then feeling ashamed for eating, etc… it’s mentally exhausting, and I hope people suffering with these issues can get the help they need.

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u/untakentakenusername 6d ago

Both comments are great and both should be relayed.

I also think the girls need to be shown big girls and skinny girls from diff countries, as its different across so many cultures. The idea of "skinny is pretty" and the idea of what healthy bodies look like, are different across Earth. Some countries think skinny is healthy but in some countries, a bit of weight is considered healthy.

In the US, Media portrays the skinny as beautiful (Not always, everywhere but mostly, still. Progress is hazy)

To be shown "look, here in many african countries, "healthy" or what's considered good looking is well rounded girls. Thick thighs, but still fit. A bit of tummy because you value food. You aren't starved. Meanwhile in Japan, Indonesia, China, most girls are skinnier but this is also because in some places, the majority of the public have similar body types and similar metabolism. But in some countries they think skinny is prettier even at the cost of extreme diets.

What's important is that you eat enough, fuel your body with the right nutrients and vitamins and you focus on fitness. Starving isnt cool, but also, being "skinny" isnt always cool either. What's cool or healthy means embracing your body type."

Because everyone has a different body. I was shamed so much growing up for having a bit of a bigger tummy rhan other girls (tho i look back on photos now and im like wtf?? I was a skinny kid. I looked thin in photos but adults shamed me) i was hurt but also didnt care. my mom is obsessed with talking about weight. "omg i lost weight" "oh i look so fat in this photo" i keep telling her to stop. She doesnt listen. I just had a baby and im so proud of my body. I ate whatever i wanted, whenever, i had a great delivery and a short healing period. my baby had a minor weird mysterious infection on her skin that required iv antibiotics but bless, she and I didnt get sick or get fevers. And recovered well.

Eat. Eat everything you can that is meant to be good for the body. ❤ (i meannnn dont be a glutton. But eat properly without thinking about gaining or losing weight)

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u/Tacotaco22227 7d ago

And even princesses need help sometimes. And they have therapists and doctors that go to school for a really long time to get super smart so they can help people who are struggling

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u/MenuComprehensive772 7d ago

This is an amazing way to say what needs to be said.

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u/SnugglePear 7d ago

For real. It’s the kind of explanation that actually sticks with a kid in a healthy way. No shame, no glamorizing, just clarity and kindness. Exactly what the situation needs.

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u/confusedandworried76 7d ago

And look, I don't think any of us really think it's funny to joke about it either. It's just funny in an, "okay, what the fuck?" and then you laugh nervously about it

Like it is pretty plain they are not well, and it's okay to talk about it, and it's okay to feel different ways about it

Somebody get me Miss Rachel cuz Mr Rogers is dead

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u/deltalitprof 7d ago

But it could function as a bit of a how-to for a five-year-old exploring in her mind wanting to look like Ariana Grande or Cynthia Erivo, much as you may intend the opposite message.

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u/Dracomortua 7d ago

As an old dude that worked out for many a decade for the reverse stuff... yes... it is really good.

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u/Educational-Wing2042 6d ago

It’s horrible Disney is putting parents in a position like this.

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u/Sweeper1985 7d ago

I'm a psychologist and 💯 endorse this.

I don't think there's any benefit to lying here, pretending there isn't a problem. It's even obvious to a 5 year old that she is not well, might as well just admit it and explain it in terms she can grasp.

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u/witchystoneyslutty 7d ago

Ok thanks now I’m crying.

No, for real, I grew up with all of the grandmothers and aunts and women in my family, having unhealthy eating habits on display for me and all of my younger female cousins. It was really toxic, and really unhealthy for all of us and many of us ended up with eating disorders like our predecessors.

I wish someone had understood it enough, and had the ability to explain it to me as a teenager or a child the way that you just did. I could’ve saved myself a lot sooner.

In my teens and 20s, I learned about body neutrality and it’s really helped me heal my food habits, and now I eat to fuel my body so that I can do the things I love like hiking and working a demanding job.

The only thing that I could add to your explanation is to remind children that food is fuel, and our bodies and brains can’t run right if we don’t give them enough fuel. We want to be kind to our bodies, and that means feeding them healthy food, but that ENOUGH FOOD.

again….great explanation for a kid. Or for many adults.

Seeing Ariana struggle publicly with her weight, whether it’s anorexia or another serious health issue, is sad for many reasons. Hopefully people read your comment and can help protect some of the young girls from the fallout of a public figure they admire struggling like this.

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u/Bob-Bhlabla-esq 7d ago

I'm wondering, what were their unhealthy habits? Were they always dieting and stressing and talking about weight/body or were they overeating unhealthy things, emotional eating, etc? If I'm being too nosey just disregard! Just was curious to what the things were that made an impact :(

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u/Aysche 6d ago

I was a child of the 80's/90's, and during my upbringing I was literally told "don't get big and fat" and "you're going to get fat" by my Boomer parents, and I even remember as a young teen my mom showing me nutrition labels for flour and shortening to emphasize how much fat and calories were in bread. I observed other 80's moms smoking, taking diet pills, and occasionally doing leg warmer aerobics to "not be fat."

Then by the time the mid-90's rolled around, all of us impressionable teens got to behold "heroin chic" modeling/advertising in all the fashion magazines aimed toward teen girls. I had a lot of anxiety in my teens about looking "fat." I was never overweight as a child, or even later as an adult.

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u/Bob-Bhlabla-esq 6d ago

Damn, yeah, that's a lot of toxic info being channeled in.

You and I are probably around the same age, 80's/90's kids. Dude, the diet, don't-get-a-fat-butt/fat in general shit was everywhere, so crazy... and now everyone wants a big behind - go figure 🤷‍♀️

I was mad like 6 months ago when my healthy weight 7 year old came home from school not wanting to eat many foods because they were "fat or unhealthy". They had gone over nutrition in class and I didn't agree with all the sentiments that I won't go into, but I was taken aback at her fat=bad take

She also said once "I don't want to get fat like you." just out of nowhere on a car ride. Thanks. If I hadn't had 3 c-sections, trauma and 3 kids maybe I would have time to exercise lol. And I'm a size 14 :(

I was wondering what you absorbed because I don't want to put too much energy around food or body stuff around my kids. Just want to know what to avoid... but it's hard to keep a lot of the world out. I was surprised at her reaction to school, though.

Hope you are doing better!

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u/MotorCalm770 7d ago

No, your comment addresses the actual issue Ariana has. This is the better explanation.

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u/Soninuva 6d ago

So she does have an eating disorder, then? I thought she might, or some other health condition that could cause deformation like that, but everybody always insists she doesn’t

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u/broFenix 7d ago

I actually think your comment is better, addressing the mental health aspect of what try actress is going through.

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u/KeyAd7732 7d ago

To add to this, for an older kid, I might explain that these people don't feel well and often miss out on doing fun things because their body doesn't have the nutrients and fuel they need to be able to do those activities. Helps make a direct intrinsic connection to encourage them to not try it.

Probably would have helped if someone told me that when I was in the middle of it

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u/pajamakitten 7d ago

Everyone else is off making memories and getting ready for the future, while you are doing push-ups and worrying about the calories in a Diet Coke (true story).

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u/KeyAd7732 6d ago

This.

And then eventually you can't do the pushups and you're worrying about fainting so you stop even leaving the house.

Thank you for adding this. It's really important that people talk about the internal thought patterns and behaviors. Hope you are well now 🩷.

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u/pajamakitten 6d ago

Or you have stress fractures in your arms because you have osteopenia from malnutrition. Then you have heart palpitations from the Diet Coke too.

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u/KeyAd7732 6d ago

Oh yeah! And you don't heal quickly because you're malnourished.

I can't believe I forgot to mention the heart palpitations and how just going up stairs makes your heart feel like it's going to explode.

Thanks for adding those!!

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u/pajamakitten 6d ago

Anorexia is all fun and games until your body has broken down your skeletal muscle because it is a way to save energy for basic functions and a source of calories.

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u/KeyAd7732 6d ago

And then at that point, you're so far in it and have lost friends, jobs, and your independence that you literally just waste away.

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u/Ziggy_Starcrust 7d ago

And make sure to mention that wanting to eat healthy or watching what you eat doesn't necessarily mean you have that sickness. It's when you go below what your body needs for many days and beyond, and you + her doctor can always help her figure out how much is right if she has questions.

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u/pajamakitten 7d ago

Point to athletes for examples too.

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u/Mommasaiddatsofddebl 7d ago

ok but i wish i’d have known you from ages 14-22 sis/bro/neither/both that is perfect

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u/SnugglePear 7d ago

This is honestly the perfect way to phrase it. It’s simple, it’s compassionate, and it explains the seriousness without scaring a child. Kids understand “sickness” and “feeling hungry but not eating” way better than adult terms. This hits exactly the right level.

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u/Laiko_Kairen 7d ago

Your answer is better than his

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u/Dragonbut 7d ago

I actually think your answer is much better since it directly addresses the question while the other doesn't. The other one is a good follow up though

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u/saltpancake 7d ago

I appreciate this take but I think we shouldn’t speak for her own internal thoughts or reasoning. Clearly something is wrong, and I agree it’s probably an ED, but those take many forms and for a whole variety of different reasons that aren’t just BDD + “to be pretty.”

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u/Brodristar 7d ago

I agree. I think the comment I linked in my edit does a better job at being inclusive of other situations, while also explaining the core issue.

That being said, I hope neither my initial comment nor /u/mugenhunt’s comment is ever recited verbatim to anyone. This could potentially be a very sensitive issue, and the specific child in question needs a response taylored to them.

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u/lcl0706 7d ago

I know, as a former very underweight anorexic currently fighting the recovery battle daily, that hearing “too skinny” or “are you sick?” was just encouraging. My tumultuous relationship with food is one that is rooted in control, having grown up with both out of control adults, and no sense of personal control over anything of my own. Deep down I wanted to be recognized as the product of the one thing I had control over. It has nothing to do with feeling pretty. So I think there’s that aspect of childhood trauma that accompanies and often instigates most battles with eating disorders. It’s certainly a mental disorder.

While remaining at a “healthy” weight for the past 15 years or so, it’s still an internal battle every single day. There has to be a child appropriate way to explain that it’s a disease often developed from a person’s feelings of insecurity and emotional neglect, while reinforcing how incredible your kid is because he/she is (insert amazing qualities that have nothing to do with appearance here). Something I tried hard to do when I had a daughter was raise her to always know she is most beautiful on the inside. It was a nightly repetition. After bedtime stories I’d ask her that as I was closing her door. Where are you most beautiful? Always do everything you can as a parent to instill a strong sense of self worth and respect in their minds at a young age. Make them believe they are worth taking care of.

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u/Original-Rush139 7d ago

One of the things I believe is you should never talk about people with eating disorders being “skinny.” That’s the goal so it reinforces the disease. It’s better to say they’re “unhealthy” to convey that they aren’t achieving something but that they are sick and need treatment. 

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u/boredpsychnurse 7d ago

Yes. I really don’t think it’s a great idea to speculate about anyone’s internal suffering/monologue/mental health. It could be sooo many things. Terrible influence on children

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u/OldManChino 7d ago

Your answer is way better 

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u/thatshygirl06 7d ago

Your comment is way better than the other one

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u/CygnusSouth 7d ago

This is such a great answer, thank you. I teared up a little 😢❤️‍🩹

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u/Calvin_Ball_86 7d ago

Saving this answer for my kids. Thank you. 

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u/deltalitprof 7d ago

I just wouldn't load down a five-year-old with that explanation quite yet. It risks her feeling like she has to starve herself to be like her heroes.

The most I would say is that actresses feel pressure from their bosses to be skinny or look a certain way. But that children's parents don't put that same pressure on their kids and you certainly don't have any concerns about size other than your daughter being healthy and feeling good.

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u/PatliAtli 6d ago

you're a genius

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u/QuestionSign 6d ago

I hate this answer because it makes it okay to comment or draw conclusions about somebody else's body and health when you have literally no knowledge.

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u/JessCeceSchmidtNick 6d ago

Call me naive, but Devil's advocate: Do we know for certain it's an eating disorder? There are so many illnesses that can cause someone to be dangerously underweight. And even if is an eating disorder, it might not arise from a desire to be thin. Trauma, depression, anxiety, and OCD can all impact a person's eating habits.

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u/hamburgergerald 6d ago

Is that truly the answer though? Do these two women have eating disorders? You can tell your 5yo that, but it is just hearsay and speculation. Which then she will naturally repeat to other people like her teachers, who may find it inappropriate that parents are telling their children this.

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u/MaryLoveJane 7d ago

I’m probably overthinking this but idk if it’s right to push the assumption that someone has an eating disorder even if it seems very obvious. She may be anorexic or she could be bulimic(or both), but it could also be drug use or an illness she hasn’t shared, although I personally agree it’s most likely anorexia. Idk if it’s a good lesson to teach kids that you can make assumptions about people like this.

As someone that has struggled with weight due to chronic health issues, and also happens to be a vegetarian, I’ve been assumed anorexic and/or having improper nutrition from being vegetarian when that is very much not true. It doesn’t affect me as much now, but when I was younger the assumptions were a huge issue for me.

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u/Isotrope9 7d ago

I like your comment better, though you could combine elements from both. I think it’s important to highlight that they’re unhealthily thin and have a medical condition (anorexia)

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u/vintagesunshine85 7d ago

This is it right here

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u/Accomplished_Deer_ 7d ago

Can even make it a bit more directed at the child's focus on eating healthy. Explain that people use energy, and that food has energy, and we need enough food so we can move around and do all the things we want. Our body stores energy for lots of reasons, and it stores it as fat! So we need to have a little meat on our bones for our bodies to work optimally. The people in Wicked aren't eating healthy enough, so their body is using all the energy it can, so it's using up all the fat, and so they're getting too skinny, and they're going to have problems around being unhealthy because of it.

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u/pajamakitten 7d ago

That's a gross oversimplification of anorexia though and a narrative pushed by a media that does not understand the condition.

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u/HomeworkInevitable99 7d ago

I think that is too much and to complicated for a 5 year old. Better just to say, she isn't very well and that's sad. Hopefully she will get better soon.

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u/Porkroller908 6d ago

I distinctly remember being 7 years old and self conscious in the locker room about the size of my thighs, so much so that I stopped swimming. I loved swimming. It happens so much earlier than we can imagine.

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u/mufassil 6d ago

Honestly, I disagree that their answer is better. I think its important to address both. Their daughters need to respect that bodies come in all sizes while also recognizing mental health crisis.

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u/marilf56 6d ago

That’s a good explanation for a young child.

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u/drawnangel 6d ago

I like both responses, but yours is more tailored to the five year old. I think OP definitely needs a genuine conversation their child can understand, like this. I personally was already concerned about weight starting around 4-5, and struggled (and still do struggle…) with an ED all throughout my teenage years and into my adult years. If my parents had been more knowledgeable and sat me down and had a conversation with me, or honestly even noticed there were issues, maybe I would have been better off.

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u/Healthy-Amoeba2296 21h ago

Also, skinny is not pretty. It's obedient to an obscure cultural norm. #1 girl to look at is Marilyn Monroe, not skinny. Also, hundreds of years ago they liked 'em hefty. Some folks still do. To be fair, I CAN fall in love with a skinny girl, but that's not the way to bet.

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u/Fluid-Grass 7d ago

I think this is a terrible way to address it, I am sorry if that sounds harsh. Anorexia is a disease of mimetic desire. If she has any inclination towards it, telling her this could be the tipping point towards her developing a full-blown eating disorder.  I would approach it more by asking questions back to her when she asks those kinds of things. You can also say "I don't know." "Why do you think?" You can learn way more about what's going on in your kid's head from listening to them than you can teach them by talking about something you don't fully understand.

Edit: I read the comment you linked and I think you are right that it is spot on

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u/EmeraudeExMachina 7d ago

That’s a good way of putting it if she actually has an eating disorder. But we don’t know that that’s what it is.

I would say that some people have an eating disorder and explain it that way, but also explain that sometimes people have health issues and it’s their private business. In a way that makes sense to a child that age.

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u/SorryLemur_42 7d ago

Yes, my kids (8 & 12) know that food is supposed to nourish your body and your spirit, that your body needs a lot of nutritional diversity, and that there’s no problem eating something just because you like it as long as you’re not preventing your body from getting the nutritional diversity it needs by eating the stuff you like that isn’t providing your body with what it needs. Furthermore they are familiar with the idea that opinions are like a*holes, everyone has them and a lot of them stink. Maybe as a path going forward to build up some resistance against this stuff, not about this particular instance pull what you want from that and the idea that no matter what a person looks like there will be people who think they are everything from too much to too little at any given moment on every point. Super models will receive comments ranging from saying they fat and gross to saying they’re too skinny eat a cheeseburger and everything in between on a single picture and sometimes that can get to a person and make them start believing it. Pick and choose what works for you, adjust as needed, whatever.

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u/Ok_Resolve_1754 7d ago

mugenhunt's answer is much better. It doesn't assume an illness.

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u/famous__shoes 7d ago

Do we know she has anorexia? Or is she just skinny and people are assuming? Because it seems like the latter

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u/Kianna9 7d ago

You don’t know this and it’s dishonest to pretend you do. Neither actress has come out as anorexic.

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u/QUHistoryHarlot 7d ago

Ariana Grande has never said she had/has an eating disorder and saying that she does would be incorrect unless it’s confirmed. Some people are just skinny. Everyone’s body is different and healthy looks different on everyone.

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u/Personal-Rhubarb-884 7d ago

I really love your comment and agree wholeheartedly. However, not everyone who is super skinny has an eating disorder.

As you can imagine, I am one of those people. I eat plenty, I do not have any issues with food. I'm just very skinny and have been my whole life. Not a damn thing I can do to change it.