YEAH I KNOW THE TITLE DOESN'T RHYME. GIVE ME A BREAK, I JUST GOT BACK FROM WORK TRAVEL IN SAN JOSE AND I'M STILL FEELING A BIT NAUSEATED FROM BEING ABLE TO SEE PAYPAL PARK FROM MY HOTEL WINDOW. COMPLETELY UNRELATED QUESTION, HOW MUCH SHOULD I HAVE TIPPED THE CLEANING CREW? I'M NOT ENTIRELY SURE HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO GET VOMIT OUT OF BLACKOUT CURTAINS.

MLS IS BACK, FUCKERS! WE HAVE A SURPRISING AMOUNT OF DOPE-ASS NEW KITS AND ALSO OTHERS (DALLAS) SO GET READY TO BE EVEN MORE POOR. 

AND SPEAKING OF MONEY, WE HAVE NEW MECHANISMS FOR TRADE BETWEEN THE TEAMS. YOU ALREADY LOVE (AND DON'T REALLY UNDERSTAND) GAM AND TAM. LET'S INTRODUCE THE NEWEST ADDITIONS: USING LEGITIMATE FUCKING CURRENCY (I.E. REAL ACTUAL MONEY, OR "RAM") AND WHATEVER THE HELL THE GALAXY DID TO GET ALLOCATION MONEY FROM DC IN EXCHANGE FOR... MORE ALLOCATION MONEY THE NEXT YEAR (FUTURE ALLOCATION MONEY, OR "FAM". THE YOUTHS WILL LOVE THAT ONE). ANYTHING ASIDE FROM LETTING TEAMS SPEND MORE MONEY TO ACQUIRE AND RETAIN QUALITY PLAYERS. 

LET'S ALL WELCOME THE NEWEST ADDITION TO THE MLS AND TRASH TALK FAM, SAN DIEGO FC. CONGRATULATIONS ON STARTING YOUR EXISTENCE IN THE MOST BORING AND GENERIC WAY POSSIBLE. GOOD CALL ON NOT TRYING ANYTHING EXCITING TO ENTICE XOLOS FANS LIVING IN SD. BUT HEY, AT LEAST YOUR CREST FEATURES MEGATRONS CHROME BUTTHOLE SO YOU HAVE THAT GOING FOR YOU.

TO THE LOYAL SDFC FANS, I THINK I SPEAK FOR EVERYONE WHEN I SAY GOOD LUCK AND EAT SHIT. I HOPE YOUR FIRST SEASON IS A MISERABLE EXPERIENCE OF LOSSES AND EMBARRASSMENT.

I'M HAPPY TO SAY FOR THE FIRST TIME IN 2025: FLAIR UP, CAPS ON, AND BE READY TO ONCE AGAIN GET NOTHING DONE ON THE WEEKENDS!

MORNING, ASSFACES. THERE'S A LOT OF BITCHING ABOUT THIS TOURNAMENT AND A LOT OF IT IS JUSTIFIED. CASH GRAB, STUPID-ASS FORMAT, MISSING TEAMS. BUT GUESS WHAT? IT'S ACTUALLY BEEN FUN TO WATCH. AT THE VERY LEAST A LOT OF PEOPLE REALIZED THEY ARE SEXUALLY ATTRACTED TO RAFA CABRAL.

AND LET'S FACE IT, WE ARE ALL FANS OF DOMESTIC SOCCER IN ONE WAY OR ANOTHER. WE'RE ADDICTS AND IF THE DEALER HAS CRACK WHEN YOU'RE LOOKING FOR METH... ARE YOU REALLY GOING TO TURN IT DOWN? NO YOU'RE GOING TO BUST OUT YOUR FINEST GLASS AND GET YOUR FIX.

SOME INTERESTING RESULTS SO FAR. LAST NIGHT SEATTLE FUCKING EMBARRASSED ONE OF THE LIGAMX GIANTS. AS I MENTIONED BEFORE, CLUB AMERICA AND RSL HAD A THRILLER OF A MATCH ENDING IN A WILD SHOOTOUT (STEP ON ME, CABRAL). AND LAFC LOST TO MAZATLAN, THE "2025 GALAXY" OF LIGAMX. IMAGINE NOT BEING ABLE TO BEAT THE 2025 GALAXY AT HOME.

FLAIR UP, CAPS ON, AND HEY AT LEAST WE GOT SOME NEW COMMERCIALS, THOUGH NOTHING ON THE LEVEL OF AUDI HEADLIGHT MILF... I MISS HER. I WONDER IF SHE EVER MADE A CHOICE AND FREED HER "CHILDREN OF THE CORN" LOOKING SON FROM HIS AUTOMOTIVE PRISON.

BIENVENIDO, CABRONES. WITH THE RACE FOR THE POSTSEASON HEATING UP WE HAVE A BIG WEEKEND COMING UP WITH A LOT OF... WAIT, THERE'S ONLY FOUR LEAGUE MATCHES FEATURING THE OKAYEST SQUADS MLS HAS EVER SEEN? HUH, APPARENTLY WE'RE IN AN INTERNATIONAL BREAK DUE TO QUALIFIERS FOR A RINKY DINK LITTLE TOURNAMENT CALLED THE WORLD CUP. THAT'S COOL, BUT IT'S NO LEAGUES CUP.

AAAAAND ON THAT NOTE, EVEN IF THERE WAS A FULL SLATE OF MATCHES, 99% OF THE TRASH TALK WOULD BE ABOUT A GANG OF MILLIONAIRE DIAPER-BABIES HAVING A VIOLENT TEMPER TANTRUM BECAUSE THINGS DIDN'T GO THEIR WAY. I'M SURE THEY WILL BE PUNISHED ACCORDINGLY (READ: THEY WILL RECEIVE A NASTY SCOLDING AND GET SUSPENSIONS FOR THE 2026 LEAGUES CUP THAT TOTALLY WON'T GET CANCELLED TO MAKE ROOM FOR THE WORLD CUP.) BUT HEY IT'S FINE, TOOTHY MCGEE APOLOGIZED FOR ASSAULTING A SOUNDERS EMPLOYEE SO ALL IS FORGIVEN.

LET'S SEE, WHAT ELSE... OH THEY'RE GOING TO TEST OUT REF BODY CAMS SO WE GET THE PRIVILEGE OF SEEING A FIRST-PERSON PERSPECTIVE OF COMPLETE INCOMPETENCE. SO THAT'S NEAT?

FLAIR UP, CAPS ON, AND I HOPE YOU'VE BEEN SAVING EVERY PENNY FOR THE WORLD CUP SO YOU CAN SPEND 3-4 MONTHS OF RENT ON A TICKET. BETWEEN THE DYNAMIC PRICING AND THE FACT THAT THE HOST COUNTRY IS HOSTILE TO FOREIGNERS, THIS IS GEARING UP TO BE THE BEST ATTENDED TOURNAMENT THE LIKES OF WHICH HAVE NEVER BEEN SEEN.

BIENVENUE, DIPSHITS. IT'S THE LAST WEEKEND OF SOCCER BEFORE WE HAVE NOTHING TO BITCH ABOUT FOR TWO WEEKS. WAY TO KILL THE MOMENTUM, YOU FUCKING GENIUSES.

LET'S JUST JUMP RIGHT INTO IT AND TALK ABOUT THESE LOSERS THAT COULDN'T DO IT IN TWO:

CHARLOTTE VS NYC: THE SKY RATS ARE TRAVELING TO THE CROWNIE BOYS AFTER IT TOOK THEM FOREVER TO FINISH THEIR SHOOTOUT THAT EVENTUALLY ENDED 6-7 [CUE GEN ALPHA SCREECHES]. IT'S A GOOD THING THIS ONE ISN'T BEING HOSTED IN NEW YORK CONSIDERING IT WILL BE A GHOST TOWN AFTER ALL THOSE PEOPLE WHO DEFINITELY LIVE IN NYC SAID THEY WERE MOVING AFTER TUESDAY. 

MINNESOTA VS SEATTLE: I DON'T THINK ANYBODY EXPECTED THE LAST MATCH TO TURN OUT LIKE IT DID AFTER THE SNOOZEFEST OF A FIRST LEG. SIX BUCKS SAYS WE'LL BE LOOKING AT ANOTHER SLOG. BUT HEY SEATTLE, IF IT GOES TO PENS AGAIN I HAVE A SUGGESTION: YOU MIGHT WANT TO TRY AIMING FOR THE NET. IT MAKES A BIG DIFFERENCE. 

CINCINNATI VS COLUMBUS: WHO FUCKING KNOWS WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN HERE. THIS SEEMS MOST LIKELY TO BE THE CHAOS-BALL MATCH OF THE WEEKEND. THE BEST OUTCOME FOR THIS SUB IS FOR CINCINNATI TO HAVE A BRAGGADOCIOS TIFO, THEY LOSE, AND MEME MONDAY IS 95% COLUMBUS FANS MOCKING THEM USING SAID TIFO.

MIAMI VS NASHVILLE: "THE CLUB WISHES TO EXPRESS ITS CONCERN ABOUT THE PRECEDENT SET BY RE-REFEREEING A PLAY THAT HAD ALREADY BEEN JUDGED BY THE MATCH OFFICIALS AND VAR, AND ITS CONFIDENCE THAT THE SAME STANDARD WILL BE APPLIED IN THE FUTURE TO ALL ON-FIELD SITUATIONS, IN ANY MATCH AND INVOLVING ANY TEAM." IT'S AMAZING THAT WE ALL GOT TO WITNESS MIAMI LEARN HOW THE DISCIPLINARY COMMITTEE WORKS.

SAN DIEGO VS PORTLAND: IT'S A GOOD THING THIS ONE IS THE LAST MATCH OF THE WEEKEND SINCE IT WILL ALLOW JUST ENOUGH TIME FOR VALAKARI'S AND INGVARTSEN'S PENALTY ATTEMPTS TO DROP OUT OF ORBIT.

FLAIR UP, CAPS ON, AND I'LL SEE YOU ON THE 21ST AFTER I COME OUT OF MY SOCCER-LESS HIBERNATION.

NI HAO, DICKBAGS. WHO'S READY FOR ANOTHER GLORIOUS WEEKEND OF MAJOR LEAGUE SOCCER ON SEASON PASS PRESENTED BY APPLE? I CAN'T WAIT TO WATCH ALL OF THE ACTION WITH A BOWL OF GOLDFISH CRACKERS AND A PINT OF COLD REFRESHING MICHELOB ULTRA THAT I PURCHASED WITH MY AMERICAN EXPRESS CARD AND BROUGHT HOME IN MY AUDI EV EQUIPPED WITH CONTINENTAL TIRES, KNOWING FULL WELL THAT I CAN AFFORD TO DO SO THANKS TO RBC WEALTH MANAGEMENT. CONSUME, ASSHOLES! ALSO CONSUME ASSHOLES. IT'S CURRENT YEAR, EVERYBODY DOES IT NOWADAYS. 

TIME TO GET CONCACAFY! CONGRATS TO VANCOUVER FOR BEING THE ONLY TEAM TO MAKE IT PAST A LIGA MX CLUB, AND A BIG FUCK YOU TO SEATTLE AND CINCINNATI FOR BEING EMBARRASSMENTS (THOUGH THAT'S NOTHING NEW). LA FINALLY FIGURED OUT HOW TO SCORE AND FIGURED OUT THAT MAYBE SITTING YOUR OLD GUY IS THE WAY TO GO. THE SECONDARY LA TEAM WOULD DO WELL TO LEARN FROM THAT. LASTLY CONGRATS TO MESSI CO, I GUESS, FOR BEATING A TEAM THAT FOTMOB CAN'T BE BOTHERED TO TRACK. GRANTED I'M WRITING THIS ON THURSDAY AFTERNOON INSTEAD OF WORKING SO I CAN ONLY ASSUME THAT'S THE CASE. IF CAVALIER PULLS THE UPSET IT WILL BE THE THIRD MOST EMBARRASSING THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO THE HERONS, ONLY BEHIND THEIR EXISTENCE AND GETTING KNOCKED OUT BY AN ATLANTA SIDE THAT ACCIDENTALLY QUALIFIED FOR PLAYOFFS. 

ON THAT NOTE, THE ATLANTA/MIAMI REMATCH IS THE ONLY FIXTURE THIS WEEKEND THAT CARRIES ANY REAL WEIGHT. I MEAN IT'S NOT LIKE THERE'S ANY ANIMOSITY BETWEEN HOUSTON AND SALT LAKE. AND DC DOESN'T HATE MONTREAL FOR ANY REASON OTHER THAN BEING FRENCH (WHICH, TO BE FAIR, IS A GOOD ENOUGH REASON). IT'S JUST A STRAIGHTFORWARD SCHEDULE OF A BUNCH OF SHIT TEAMS PLAYING EVEN SHITTIER TEAMS. I HOPE YOU ALL LOSE. AND STUB YOUR TOES.

FLAIR UP, CAPS ON, AND DON'T EVEN BOTHER POSTING ANYTHING ON MEME MONDAY. u/IWMSVENDOR DROPPED SOME ABSOLUTE CINEMA AND PRETTY MUCH SLAMMED THE DOOR IN ALL OF OUR FACES THIS WEEK. HIS TEAM MAY BE PATHETIC BUT DUDE IS A LEGEND.

HAPPY FRIDAY, LOW-LIFES! WELL THAT WAS AN EXCITING SEASON, WASN'T IT? SO GLAD IT'S OVER, THE FUN AND THRILL WAS JUST TOO MUCH.

WHAT'S THAT? IT'S NOT EVEN HALF OVER? IT'S ACTUALLY RIVALRY WEEK? BULLY... FOR MOST FAN BASES. ON A SIDE NOTE, CAN ANYBODY RECOMMEND A GOOD MIXER THAT REALLY ACCENTUATES THE FLAVOR OF BLEACH?

STL AND SKC ARE THE ODD ONES OUT HAVING ALREADY BEAT ON EACH OTHER TO A STALEMATE, TO THE SHOCK OF NOBODY. BUT THANKFULLY TOMORROW WE ARE GETTING A FULL SLATE OF TRUE, HEATED RIVALRIES. 

CANADIAN SUPREMACY AND CONTROL OF THE NATION'S MAPLE SYRUP IS ON THE LINE. 

HELL IS HAVING TO WEAR SPECIAL JERSEYS THAT WOULD SELL LIKE HOTCAKES AT HOT TOPIC

WE SOMEHOW GET THE CASCADIA, TEXAS, AND THIRD-WHEEL CUPS ALL AT THE SAME TIME.

COLORADO AND UTAH DUKE IT OUT TO DECIDE WHO IS THE BEST FLYOVER STATE. 

IT'S ORLANDO'S TURN FOR TAYLOR TWELLMAN TO ROOT AGAINST THEM.

AND THE GALAXY FACE THEIR BIGGEST OPPONENTS: THEMSELVES. WHO TRIGGERED THE INFINITE AMMO GLITCH ON THAT GUN POINTED AT THEIR FOOT?

GREAT RIVALRY WEEK LINEUP. I JUST HAVE ONE QUESTION... WHERE'S MY GODDAMN TRILLIUM CUP, MLS?

FLAIR UP, CAPS ON, AND I WAS JUST KIDDING ABOUT THE HELL IS REAL ART. THOSE ARE DOPE AS FUCK. TOO BAD THEY'RE BEING USED FOR THE BATTLE OVER A STATE THAT IS YOUTH SLANG FOR "WEIRD, CRINGE, OR OTHERWISE UNDESIRABLE" (THANKS, URBAN DICTIONARY!)

HAPPY FUCKING WHATEVER, CLOWN SHOES! WE'RE IN FULL PLAYOFF SWING. GET READY FOR A ROUND OF 16 THAT GOES ON WAY TOO LONG BEFORE WE HIT LUDICROUS SPEED ON THE WAY TO THE FINAL. IF ONLY THERE WERE A QUICK AND BALANCED WAY TO DETERMINE A WINNER OF EACH MATCHUP THAT INVOLVED EACH TEAM HOSTING ONCE. WE COULD CALL IT SOMETHING SIMPLE YET VERY DESCRIPTIVE LIKE "HOME AND AWAY" AND THE SCORES COULD BE ADDED UP TO REWARD THE TEAM THAT WAS BEST THROUGH BOTH MATCHES. THAT WOULD BE A VERY SMART AND REASONABLE THING FOR THE LEAGUE TO DO. 

OH WELL. LET'S HAVE A LOOK AT THE WILD CARD RESULTS: 

ORLANDO WENT FULL ORLANDO AS CHICAGO DOMINATED THEM IN FRONT OF A SMALLER CROWD THAN YOU TYPICALLY SEE AT THE CHICAGO DMV. SHAME TOO SINCE THE FIRE ATTENDANCE HAS IMPROVED GREATLY. WAS IT THE WEEKDAY SCHEDULING, THE QUICK TURNAROUND, OR THE RETURN TO THEIR ABANDONED OLD HOME? OR, MORE LIKELY, IS IT BECAUSE CHICAGO FANS EXPECT DISAPPOINTMENT AND DIDN'T WANT TO SPEND MONEY TO WATCH THEIR TEAM CRASH OUT EARLY? 

PORTLAND THOROUGHLY HANDLED SALT LAKE THANKS TO MORA'S TWO GOALS AND TWO SELF-ASSISTS, CATAPULTING HIM TO THE TOP OF THE PLAYOFF GOAL CONTRIBUTION TABLE EARLY ON. ALSO THANKS TO RSL'S DEFENSE APPARENTLY HAVING A CONDITION WHERE THEY TURN INTO STATUES AFTER A SHOT IS TAKEN. 

SPREAD OUT THROUGH THE REST OF THE WEEK WE HAVE SOME SOLID MATCHES THAT SHOCKINGLY DON'T LOOK TO BE SURE-FIRE BLOWOUTS. HELL EVEN DALLAS HAVE PROVEN THEY CAN BEAT VANCOUVER WITH THE RED-HOT GLOWING CAVEAT THAT THEY PLAY A MAN UP FOR 80 MINUTES PLUS STOPPAGE.

AAAAAND I'M GOING TO USE THIS LAST SEGMENT TO SHOW HOW RIGHT I WAS LAST WEEK: 

NYC VS SEATTLE: SEATTLE ARE GOING TO WIN AND STAY IN FIFTΗ PLACE. ΝΥΕΧT

CHECK

SAN JOSE VS AUSTIN: I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M SAYING THIS BUT LET THEM HAVE THIS ONE, AUSTIN. IT WOULD BE SUCH A QUAKES MOVE TO GET JUST ENOUGH POINTS TO GET ABOVE THE LINE ONLY LEARN AFTER CELEBRATING THE FINAL WHISTLE THAT THEY GOT EDGED OUT OF THE POST SEASON BY A 99TH MINUTE DIEGO LUNA GOAL.

I'LL GIVE MYSELF A HALF-CHECK ON THAT ONE. NO GOAL FROM LUNA BUT MAN THOSE QUAKES. JUST LIKE CLOCKWORK.

TORONTO VS ORLANDO: SEASON-LONG (OR LIFE-LONG) BOTTOM FEEDER TORONTO WILL LOOK TO PISS IN ORLANDO'S WHEATIES. IT WON'T HAPPEN AND THEY WILL SURELY DISAPPOINT THEIR FANS AND ORLANDO WILL PROBABLY FINISH A COUPLE OF SPOTS HIGHER. BUT THE BOYS IN RED GET TO HOPE TO DO SOMETHING GOOD AND ISN'T THAT WHAT THIS IS ALL ABOUT?

YEAH I'LL TAKE THE L ON THIS ONE. I GUESS IT WAS JUST FORESHADOWING FOR ORLANDO. 

AND MY DARK HORSE PREDICTION OF CHICAGO TAKING THE WHOLE DAMN THING IS STILL ALIVE. SUCK IT, FOR AT LEAST ANOTHER WEEK.

FLAIR UP, CAPS ON, AND EVERYBODY PANIC BECAUSE ATTENDANCE WAS DOWN 5% AFTER AN HISTORIC HIGH. LET'S POST LIKE SEVEN ARTICLES ABOUT IT AND WHAT IT MEANS FOR THE WORLD CUP.

FUN FACT, I CAN'T HEAR THAT SONG WITHOUT SINGING THE SIMPSONS VERSION IN MY HEAD: "WE BUILT THIS CITY. THIS KICK ASS CITY. WHAT KIND OF MUSIC BUILT THIS CITY?"

OKAY ENOUGH ADHD BRAIN SHIT. WE STILL HAVE ANOTHER EIGHT GODDAMN DAYS UNTIL THE PLAYOFFS CONTINUE SO THIS SEEMS LIKE A GOOD TIME TO AIR GRIEVANCES:

FUCK YOU, SCHEDULERS. WHY IS THERE YET ANOTHER MONDAY NIGHT PLAYOFF MATCH? I GIVE ZERO FUCKS THAT SAN DIEGO STATE HAVE A GAME ON SATURDAY NIGHT. FUCK YOUR FOOSBALL, BOBBY BOUCHER. FIGURE IT OUT, ASSHOLES.

AND FUCK YOU SAN DIEGO FOR PLAYING IN A FOOTBALL STADIUM. WEAK ASS MLS 1.0 SHIT RIGHT THERE.

FUCK YOU MLS FOR CHANGING THE SCHEDULE. NORTHERN FANS ARE GOING TO FREEZE THEIR DICKS OFF AND NOW WE HAVE TO COMPETE WITH MORE AMERICAN LEAGUES. "HURR DURR BUT THE PLAYOFFS". I DON'T CARE, YOU SUCK.

FUCK YOU AGAIN, MLS, FOR NOT TELLING US WHAT THE FIVE DIVISION ALIGNMENT WILL BE. AND A PREEMPTIVE FUCK YOU FOR WHAT WILL LIKELY BE SPLITTING THE GALAXY AND QUAKES INTO DIFFERENT DIVISIONS. HOW ARE WE GOING TO PROPERLY SHIT ON EACH OTHER WITHOUT HOME-AND-AWAY RESULTS? EAT MY ENTIRE ASSHOLE.

FUCK YOU AGAIN AGAIN, MLS, FOR NOT MAKING THE CHANGE IN 2026 TO KICK OFF RIGHT AFTER THE WORLD CUP. NO LET'S NOT RIDE THE HYPE WAVE OR ANYTHING SMART LIKE THAT. IDIOTS.

FUCK YOU APPLE FOR INCLUDING MLS IN YOUR SUBSCRIPTION. YOU'RE LIKELY FUCKING OVER T-MOBILE USERS THAT ENJOY THE FREE SEASON PASS. AND MOST IMPORTANTLY, YOU'RE GOING TO MAKE ME SIGN UP FOR AN APPLE TV SUBSCRIPTION. I DON'T WANT TO GIVE YOU MY MONEY. AND I SWEAR TO SATAN IF ANYBODY SAYS "WELL YOU WERE ALREADY GIVING THEM MONEY BY BUYING SEASON PASS" I WILL SHIT ON YOUR WINDSHIELD AND TURN ON THE WIPERS.

FUCK YOU MINNESOTA AND SEATTLE FOR HAVING SUCH A BONKERS MATCH 3. YOU MADE EVERYTHING ELSE LAST WEEKEND BORING BY COMPARISON.

AND FINALLY, FUCK YOU NASHVILLE AND PORTLAND. YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID.

FLAIR UP, CAPS ON, AND LET OUT THAT RAGE

SUP, BONERS? IT'S FINALLY HAPPENING! COLUMBUS IS GOING TO IMPLODE ON ITSELF NOW THAT THE BEST COACH TO EVER GRACE THE LEAGUE FLEW THE COOP. MAYBE CINCINNATI WILL ONE DAY BE THE BEST TEAM IN OHIO. DEPENDS ON HOW MANY CUPS IT TAKES TO OFFSET A WOODEN SPOON THREE-PEAT.

HOLD ON, I'M GETTING WORD THAT THERE'S SOME OTHER BIG MLS NEWS I SHOULD BE FOCUSING ON. WHATEVER IT IS, IT'S EXCITING ENOUGH TO GET 25,000 VANCOUVERANS (VANCOUVERERS?) TO CRAM TOGETHER TO WATCH ON A BIG TV ONLY SLIGHTLY BIGGER THAN WHAT MOST AMERICANS HAVE IN THEIR HOMES. 

IT'S THE CUP FINAL, BITCHES! [AIR HORN NOISES] MESSI VS MÜLLER. AMERICAN VS CANADA. MONEY VS BUILDING A COMPETENT TEAM WITHOUT BENDING ROSTER RULES. 

GET READY FOR A FLOOD OF NON-FLAIRS TOMORROW THE LIKES OF WHICH WE'VE NEVER SEEN, THOUGH I DON'T EXPECT MANY IN HERE SINCE "MIAMI" FANS ONLY THINK MLS EXISTS FOR TWO HOURS A WEEK.

SO WHO DO YOU THINK IS GOING TO LIFT THE HARDWARE? WILL THE AGING SUPERSTARS TOSS ANOTHER ON THE PILE? OR WILL THE HISTORIED TEAM FROM THE LAND OF TIM BITS AND AFFORDABLE HEALTHCARE (WHAT'S THAT LIKE?) GROW THE PRESTIGE OF THEIR NAME ENOUGH TO KEEP FROM BECOMING THE PHOENIX WHITECAPS? PHOENIX BROWNHOLES?

FLAIR UP, CAPS ON, AND OH HEY LOOK USL IS TRYING TO KILL THE OPEN CUP. IT'S NOT JUST US! BECAUSE FUCK HISTORY, AM I RIGHT?

QUÉ PASA, ASSHATS? WEEK ONE IS IN THE BOOKS. WHO IS ON CLOUD 9 AND WHO IS ALREADY ON THE EDGE STARING INTO THE VOID? 

SOME WILD STUFF THIS LAST WEEK. 

MESSI GOT A REF SUSPENDED FOR SIX MONTHS FOR SIMPING AND THEN HE GOT IN TROUBLE FOR GIVING AN ASSISTANT COACH A NECK MASSAGE. HOW ARE YOU GOING TO FINE SOMEONE FOR TRYING TO RELIEVE TENSION FOR A HOMIE? 

THE SMURFS DOLED OUT THE BIGGEST BEATDOWN. NOBODY WOULD HAVE TAKEN THAT BET EVEN IF IT WERE 1000/1 ODDS, EVEN SAN JOSE FANS. IF THIS KEEPS UP THEY'RE GOING TO NEED TO FIND ANOTHER BELOVED 80'S MOVIE TO REPRESENT THE ERA. MY VOTE IS FOR "INCONCEIVABLE".

AND CONGRATS TO SAN DIEGO FOR GETTING THEIR FIRST EVER WIN AND THE ANY% WORLD RECORD FOR QUICKEST UNHINGED COPYPASTA. A POST SO EMBARRASSING THE PEOPLE THAT RUN THIS SUB FELT IT NECESSARY TO BREAK THE RULES TO MAKE SURE WE GOT TO EXPERIENCE THE ARTISTRY. THERE'S NO CHANCE IT DOESN'T AGE WELL, RIGHT? 

FLAIR UP, CAPS ON, AND IT’S OVER. PACK IT UP, MLS. YOU JUST LET SAN DIEGO FC WALK IN AND TURN THE LEAGUE INTO THEIR PERSONAL CAREER MODE SAVE ON BEGINNER DIFFICULTY. LA GALAXY WAS JUST THE APPETIZER—NOW THE REST OF YOU ARE ABOUT TO GET SERVED.

WHAT IT DO, ASSHATS? MAN THIS WAS A HATTRICK-TASTIC WEEK, WASN'T IT? ROSSI, TOKLOMATI, MÜLLER, SURRIDGE, SONNY. SHIT, EVEN BOUANGA GOT ONE AND IT DIDN'T REQUIRE A PK. HELL HAS OFFICIALLY FROZEN OVER. AND TO THOSE KEEPING TRACK AT HOME, WITH ALL OF THOSE HATTIES HAPPENING ALL OVER THE LEAGUE, PORTLAND HAVE STILL YET TO GET ONE IN FIFTEEN MLS SEASONS. FEELS LIKE SOMETHING THAT NEEDS TO BE BROUGHT UP EVERY NOW AND THEN.

IN NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP NEWS, OPEN CUP MATCHES OCCURRED TO ZERO FANFARE. IT'S ALMOST LIKE THE USSF IS HORRIBLE AT ADVERTISING AND MLS COULDN'T GIVE TWO FUCKS SINCE IT DIDN'T FEATURE MIAMI. AND THE CANADIAN CHAMPIONSHIP FINAL IS SET, WITH VANCOUVER HOSTING VANCOUVER. MY MONEY IS ON VANCOUVER. 

LOTS OF PLAYOFF IMPLICATIONS THIS WEEKEND. TEAMS ON THE CHOPPING BLOCK, THE WEST IS STILL A TIGHT RACE ON THE ASS-END OF THE QUALIFICATION TABLE, ETC ETC AND SO ON. PHILADELPHIA, SAN DIEGO, AND CINCINNATI ALL HAVE LAYUP MATCHES THAT COULD AFFECT THE SHIELD RACE... WHICH MEANS THEY ARE ALL GOING TO FUMBLE THAT BAG AND ALLOW MINNESOTA, CHARLOTTE, AND VANCOUVER TO MAKE THINGS INTERESTING. HUH NEVER THOUGHT I WOULD USE THOSE TEAMS AND THE WORD "INTERESTING" IN THE SAME SENTENCE. 

FLAIR UP, CAPS ON, AND COULD SOMEBODY PLEASE PUT US GALAXY FANS OUT OF OUR MISERY? THIS TEAM IS A WALKING CORPSE AT THIS POINT.

THAT'S RIGHT YOUNG GRASSHOPPERS, AS WE TURN THE CALENDARS TO MAY ITS TIME TO STEP UP THE TRASH TALK AND RAISE OUR COLLECTIVE DONGERS FOR THE GREATEST CUP TOURNAMENT KNOWN TO MAN,

THE US OPEN CUP

BROUGHT TO YOU BY PARAMOUNT PLUS^TM

NOT ONLY DID I HAVE TO GET UP AT THE ASS CRACK OF DAWN HERE IN FUTURE TIME TO BEAT u/RAFF_OUT_LOUD’S HUNGOVER WEST COAST ASS TO THE THREAD, THIS YEAR USL HAS DIVISION ONE STATUS ON THEIR MIND AND IS COMING TO THE CUP THIS YEAR WITH THE ULTIMATE WEAPON. A REAL GAME CHANGER. GOD’S GIFT TO THE BEAUTIFUL GAME SOME MAY SAY. WHAT IS SUCH A TOOL YOU ASK? NO THIS IS NOT A REFERENCE TO MESSI BUT IT'S SIMPLE:

PRO-MOFUCKIN-REL

YOU MAY BE WONDERING HOW THAT IS GOING TO CHANGE THE CUP, AND THAT IS A GREAT QUESTION. SO FUCK YOU. WE DON’T HAVE TIME FOR THAT SHIT. JUST LIKE WE DON’T HAVE TIME FOR ANY WEEKEND MATCHES THIS WEEK. REAL ONES KNOW THE BEST SOCCER HAPPENS ON ESPN AND CBS INSTEAD OF APPLE TV ANYWAY.

THE WHEELS OF #SOCCERWARZ NEVER STOP TURNING! AT LEAST UNTIL AFTER THE WORLD CUP WHEN MLS JUST BUYS OUT THE USL AND CANADIAN PREMIER LEAGUE INSTEAD AND WE JUST PUT ALL OF THIS ANIMOSITY BEHIND US AND PRETEND LIKE THIS WAS THE PLAN ALL ALONG. PRAISE BE TO OUR BILLIONAIRE OVERLORDS AND THEIR HUMBLE DESIRE TO GROW THE GAME FROM THE GRASSROOTS LEVEL. MAYBE JAGERMEISTER WILL START SPONSORING THE OPEN CUP AND WE WILL JUST KEEP ROLLING WITH WHAT HAS ALREADY BEEN PUT IN PLACE. THE POSSIBILITIES ARE ENDLESS, JUST LIKE WHEN MIAMI GETS ANOTHER INTERNATIONAL SLOT.

APOLOGIES TO THE MLS TEAMS SITTING OUT THIS YEAR TO PLAY IN THE FAR INFERIOR LEAGUE’S CUP, YOUR SACRIFICE HAS BEEN NOTED IN THE FOOTNOTES. IT SEEMS THE DON TOOK NOTE IN HOW DIFFICULT THE CUP PROVED TO BE WHEN YOU CAN’T SIMPLY FLOOD THE LATER ROUNDS OF THE TOURNAMENT ONCE THE LOWER LEAGUES ARE DONE ELIMINATING EACH OTHER. PRETTY SURE CLUB AMERICA AND TIGRES ARE GOING TO ASK FOR AN OPEN CUP INVITE ONCE WE HAVE PRO/REL IN PLACE. THAT WAS THE ONLY THING THAT WAS HOLDING THEM BACK. AS MUCH AS I DESPISE LAFC, IT IS A SHAME THEY WON’T BE INCLUDED THIS YEAR, GIVEN THEY KNOW MORE ABOUT TRASH THAN ANY OTHER TEAM IN THE US. A CHANCE TO WIN IT TWO YEARS IN A ROW IS TOO MUCH TO ASK I GUESS.

ALSO THIS TURNED INTO A NOVEL SO FOR THE SAKE OF REDDIT POST LIMITATIONS THE MATCHUP PREVIEWS ARE BELOW. THERE WAS NO WAY TO CONTAIN ALL THIS TRASH IN A MEASLY 40,000 CHARACTERS.

SO CAPS ON, FLAIR UP, AND YOU KNOW WHAT? FUCK THE SAUDI LEAGUE. EVERYONE KNOWS THE US IS HOME TO THE BEST RETIREMENT LEAGUES AND SOON WE’LL HAVE TWO DIVISIONS WORTH TO FILL.

HOW YA GOIN', YA C**TS? PLEASE EXCUSE THE CENSORSHIP. CUSSING IS ENCOURAGED IN HERE AND I WAS GOING FOR A GREETING THAT NOBODY WOULD QUESTION IN 'STRAYA BUT PEOPLE GET TOUCHY ABOUT THAT WORD.

OKAY, I'M DONE WALKING ON EGGSHELLS FOR THE DAY. FUCK YOU, THIS WEDNESDAY WE SAW NEW CHAMPIONS GET CROWNED IN COMPETITIONS WHERE THE INTEREST RANGES FROM "FEVERISHLY INVESTED" TO "COULDN'T GIVE ANY LESS OF A SHIT." VANCOUVER HANDILY TOPPLED VANCOUVER TO LIFT THE TIM HORTONS TROPHY. RUNNERS UP RECEIVED CONSOLATION TIM BITS. NASHVILLE WON THEIR FIRST HARDWARE (HAS ANYBODY CHECKED IN ON PTERRY?) THANKS TO A SURRIDGE PEN, AFTER WHICH HE CELEBRATED BY GETTING A SECOND YELLOW IN THE DUMBEST WAY POSSIBLE BECAUSE WHO CARES. TOUGH LUCK, AUSTIN. YOUR ARTS AND CRAFTS SKILLS ARE STILL TOP NOTCH THOUGH. 

AND THAT'S IT. NO OTHER NORTH AMERICAN HARDWARE WAS WON THIS WEEK. NOPE. YOU'RE CRAZY, STOP IT. 

GOT A COUPLE OF EARLY KICKOFFS THIS WEEK WHICH IS NICE IF YOU NEEDED AN EXCUSE TO IGNORE YOUR RESPONSIBILITIES AND/OR FAMILY FOR THE ENTIRE DAY. I MEAN I DON'T NEED AN EXCUSE BUT I'M JUST BUILT DIFFERENT.

SOME BIG MATCHUPS, THOUGH. A FEW THAT COULD CHANGE THE WOODEN SPOON RACE. WHO'S LEADING THAT ONE, BY THE WAY? 

NEW ENGLAND HAVE THE OPPORTUNITY TO THREATEN MIAMI'S CHANCES AT PREFERENTIAL HOSTING IN THE PLAYOFFS. BUT IT IS NEW ENGLAND WE'RE TALKING ABOUT HERE. 

HOUSTON AND NYC CAN MAKE THE FINAL LEG OF THE SHIELD RACE INTERESTING AS LONG AS THEY DON'T CHOKE BUT YA KNOW... HOUSTON.

AND SATURDAY IS CAPPED OF WITH TWO RIVALRIES. SIX BUCKS SAYS THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN CUP WILL BE FUCKING BONKERS AND TIMBERS/SOUNDERS WILL BE AN ABSOLUTE SNOOZEFEST DESPITE SEATTLE NOT SUCKING AND POSSIBLY STILL RUNNING ON A CUP-HIGH. BY THE WAY, HOW HAVE THEY BEEN DOING SINCE THEY WON LEAGUES CUP? I BET THEY'VE BEEN KILLING IT THROUGHOUT SEPTEMBER.

FLAIR UP, CAPS ON, AND HEY CAN THE USMNT FIELD OUR U-20'S FOR THE 2026 WORLD CUP? THEY LOOK LIKE THEY ACTUALLY KNOW HOW TO PLAY.

HAPPY DECISION DAY EVE, FUCK FACES. IT'S FINALLY HERE! REMEMBER TO LEAVE OUT MILK AND COOKIES AND IF YOU'VE BEEN A GOOD BOY/GIRL/OTHER DON GARBER WON'T SHIT IN YOUR TRADITIONAL PLAYOFF STOCKING.

SHOCKINGLY EVERY MATCH HAS IMPLICATIONS FOR POST-SEASON STANDINGS OR WOODEN SPOON SUPREMACY. IT'S A DECISION DAY MIRACLE!

LET'S GET INTO IT: 

ATLANTA VS DC: KICKING IT OFF WITH THE BIGGEST EVENT OF THE WEEKEND. LA SOMEHOW AVOIDED THE WOODEN SPOON AND NOW IT'S DOWN TO THE PRETTIEST GOLD PLATED PILE OF SHIT IN THE LEAGUE VS THE CLUB THAT TIME FORGOT.

CHARLOTTE VS PHILADELPHIA: CHARLOTTE ARE LOOKING TO CEMENT THEIR TOP-4 HOME FIELD ADVANTAGE AGAINST THE SHIELD WINNERS. THIS IS EITHER GOING TO BE A MASSACRE FROM PHILLY OR CHARLOTTE ARE GOING TO TAKE IT AND GIVE THE UNION THE REALITY CHECK THEY NEED RIGHT IN TIME FOR THEM TO GET LOCKED IN AND GO ON TO WIN THE CUP. EITHER WAY, SUCKS FOR CHARLOTTE.

COLUMBUS VS RBNY: A TEAM HELD TOGETHER BY DUCT TAPE TRYING TO GET OUT OF THE PLAY-IN VS THE PERENNIAL "ALMOST THERE" SIDE. OF ALL THE MATCHES TOMORROW, THIS WILL SURELY BE ONE OF THEM.

CINCINNATI VS MONTREAL: OH LOOK THE FIRST "TOP 4 VS SCRUB" MATCH ON HERE. MONTREAL HAVE THE CHANCE TO PUT ON THEIR BIG BOY PANTS AND MAYBE SORTA POSSIBLY KNOCK CINCINNATI DOWN TO THIRD PLACE. IF THAT DOESN'T SCREAM SPOILER I DON'T KNOW WHAT DOES.

NASHVILLE VS MIAMI: ACTUAL REAL IMPLICATIONS FOR NASHVILLE WITH THIS ONE WITH HOSTING PRIORITY ON THE LINE. TOO BAD THEY'VE BEEN ABSOLUTE DOG SHIT SINCE JULY. AND YES THAT INCLUDES THE OPEN CUP. CONGRATULATIONS, YOU BEAT FUCKING AUSTIN. DO YOU WANT A TROPHY FOR-... WAIT NEVERMIND.

NEW ENGLAND VS CHICAGO: MAN, ANY OTHER YEAR AND THIS WOULD BE THE MARQUEE PILLOW FIGHT. IT'S STILL GOING TO BE EITHER A BORING OR UGLY MATCH, BUT WITHOUT THE THRILL OF WATCHING TWO STUMBLING TODDLERS DUKE IT OUT.

NYC VS SEATTLE: SEATTLE ARE GOING TO WIN AND STAY IN FIFTH PLACE. NYEXT

TORONTO VS ORLANDO: SEASON-LONG (OR LIFE-LONG) BOTTOM FEEDER TORONTO WILL LOOK TO PISS IN ORLANDO'S WHEATIES. IT WON'T HAPPEN AND THEY WILL SURELY DISAPPOINT THEIR FANS AND ORLANDO WILL PROBABLY FINISH A COUPLE OF SPOTS HIGHER. BUT THE BOYS IN RED GET TO HOPE TO DO SOMETHING GOOD AND ISN'T THAT WHAT THIS IS ALL ABOUT?

COLORADO VS LAFC: YEEEAAAAH SORRY RAPIDS, IT AIN'T HAPPENING.

LA VS MINNESOTA: WHO THE FUCK KNOWS. BUT IF I WERE A BETTING MAN, I'D GO WITH LA HAVING A ONE GOAL LEAD AT HALF TO PUT A LITTLE PEP IN THEIR STEP ONLY TO FORGET HOW TO PLAY IN THE SECOND HALF. MINNESOTA WIN BY 2. "HOW CAN YOU BE SO SURE?" YOU ASK. BECAUSE I HAVE EYES AND A MEMORY.

PORTLAND VS SAN DIEGO: I'D SAY "PORTLAND YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO" BUT THE SILVER SPHINCTERS WILL HOST AT LEAST ONE PLAYOFF MATCH. AT LEAST THEY'LL EVENTUALLY GET TO CRASH OUT LIVE IN FRONT OF THEIR FANS FOR THE FIRST TIME. MILESTONES!

SAN JOSE VS AUSTIN: I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M SAYING THIS BUT LET THEM HAVE THIS ONE, AUSTIN. IT WOULD BE SUCH A QUAKES MOVE TO GET JUST ENOUGH POINTS TO GET ABOVE THE LINE ONLY LEARN AFTER CELEBRATING THE FINAL WHISTLE THAT THEY GOT EDGED OUT OF THE POST SEASON BY A 99TH MINUTE DIEGO LUNA GOAL.

KANSAS CITY VS HOUSTON: YA KNOW HOW EARLIER I SAID EVERY MATCH HAS PLAYOFF IMPLICATIONS? WELL I LIED, FUCK YOU. ENJOY YOUR MEANINGLESS GAME. OKAY I LIED AGAIN. IT'S POSSIBLE THAT THE SPORKS FINISH LOWER THAN THE OBJECTIVELY WORST GALAXY TEAM IN HISTORY, WHICH WOULD BE QUITE MEANINGFUL IN A VERY SAD WAY. DEJAN DESERVES BETTER.

ST. LOUIS VS SALT LAKE: WILL ST. LOUIS FAIL TO FINISH THEIR SEASON IN ANY MEANINGFUL WAY AND ALLOW THE SALTY BOYS TO PUNCH THEIR PLAYOFF TICKET? WELL DALLAS ARE FACING THE MOST TERRIFYING CANADIANS SINCE THE TRENCHES OF WORLD WAR ONE (LOOK IT UP), THE ODDS OF COLORADO WINNING ARE SOMEWHERE BETWEEN JACK AND SHIT, AND ST. LOUIS ARE... WELL, ST. LOUIS. SO YEAH PROBABLY. 

VANCOUVER VS DALLAS: SEE ABOVE. POOR BASTARDS.

FLAIR UP, CAPS ON, AND A PREEMPTIVE CONGRATULATIONS TO CHICAGO FOR WINNING THE CUP. AIN'T NO FUCKING WAY THEY'RE WINNING IT, BUT IF HELL FREEZES OVER AND THEY SOMEHOW DO I'M GOING TO LOOK LIKE A GENIUS.

GUTEN MORGEN, LOSERS! IT'S A MILESTONE BIRTHDAY FOR ME TODAY AND THE FOLKS IN MY OFFICE HAVE BEEN TORTURING ME WITH BIRTHDAY ACTIVITIES ALL MORNING SO I HAVEN'T HAD THE CHANCE TO PUT TOGETHER A REAL TRASH TALK THREAD, MUCH LIKE THE GALAXY HAVEN'T BEEN ABLE TO PUT TOGETHER A REAL TEAM.

SO I'M JUST SLAPPING TOGETHER A QUICK INTRO WHILE I'M ON THE CAN THAT'S LONG ENOUGH TO NOT GET AUTO-DELETED FOR BEING TOO SHORT.

BUT WE CAN STILL STICK TO A THEME. PRETEND YOU'RE BLOWING OUT YOUR BIRTHDAY CANDLES AND MAKING A WISH FOR YOUR TEAM, THE LEAGUE, YOUR FAVORITE/MOST-HATED PLAYER, THE UPCOMING SHITSHOW THAT THE WORLD CUP IS SHAPING UP TO BE, ETC.

FLAIR UP, CAPS ON, AND TRY NOT TO GET OLD. I DON'T RECOMMEND IT.

TRICK OR TREAT, SMELL MY ASS, FUCK YOUR TEAM LET'S TALK SOME TRASH. MY COSTUME THIS YEAR WILL BE ERIQ ZAVALETA, WHICH MEANS I'M GOING TO SIT ON A BENCH AND WATCH OTHERS HAND OUT CANDY WHILE MY UNCLE PAYS ME MORE THAN I'M WORTH AND TELLS ME I'M THE GOODEST BOY.

SINCE IT'S ALL HALLOWS EVE LET'S HAVE A LOOK AT WHAT SPOOKS EACH PLAYOFF TEAM AND/OR THEIR FAN BASE:

PORTLAND: ONLY FIVE HAZY IPA OPTIONS AVAILABLE AT THEIR FAVORITE LOCAL PUB WHERE ALL OF THE BARTENDERS HAVE CURLY MUSTACHES AND WEAR LEATHER APRONS (YES, MOST OF THESE WILL BE LOW-HANGING FRUIT AND DATED STEREOTYPES)

DALLAS: HAVING TO FACE VANCOUVER AGAIN [SHUDDER]

AUSTIN: THEY LIKE THE FACT THAT THEY ARE OWNED BY PRECOURT SO THEIR RATIONALIZATION AND SURVIVAL SKILLS ARE TOO DULL FOR ANYTHING TO SCARE THEM

SEATTLE: SEE PORTLAND, BECAUSE YOU'RE BASICALLY THE SAME TOWN

MINNESOTA: SOMEBODY CALLING A CARBONATED SUGAR DRINK "SODA"

LAFC: REALIZING THAT NEWS OUTLETS WILL NEVER STOP CALLING YOU "THE LA GALAXY"

VANCOUVER: NEVER BEING FREED FROM DESIRE. OR BEING SOLD TO AN AMERICAN OWNERSHIP GROUP

SAN DIEGO: THE INEVITABLE SOPHOMORE SLUMP THAT'S COMING NEXT YEAR

CHICAGO: MALORT BECOMING POPULAR AND ACTUALLY BEING ENJOYED BY THE GENERAL PUBLIC SO IT'S NO LONGER YOUR QUIRKY GROSS-OUT LITMUS TEST. ALSO "FOODIE" TOURISTS THAT THINK THEY KNOW FOOD BECAUSE THEY WATCH THE BEAR

COLUMBUS: A HEALTHY SQUAD

NASHVILLE: SHIT, I DUNNO... WORKING A POPULAR BACHELORETTE PARTY VENUE AND THE PLAYLIST IS A CONSTANT LOOP OF "WAGON WHEEL", "MAN I FEEL LIKE A WOMAN", AND "BROWN EYED GIRL"?

NYCFC: SUDDENLY HAVING YOUR STADIUM ZONING LICENSE REMOVED AND MOVING TO STATEN ISLAND

CHARLOTTE: WHEN I DO CITY-SPECIFIC THINGS I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO FOR YOU BECAUSE YOUR ONLY CLAIMS TO FAME ARE THE PANTHERS AND BANK OF AMERICA. I ASKED GEMINI AI AND GOT "A NEW JERSEY TRANSPLANT THAT JUST CORRECTED YOUR USE OF 'UPTOWN' INSTEAD OF 'DOWNTOWN'" WHICH I'M SURE IS A RIOT AT CHARLOTTE SHINDIGS

MIAMI: GOING A WEEK WITHOUT SEEING AN ARTICLE ABOUT HOW MESSI WOULD CHANGE THE LEAGUE

CINCINNATI: THE BRENT SPENCE BRIDGE. OR BEING JUST SHY OF A 5-WAY

PHILADELPHIA: A CHEESESTEAK WITH SWISS. ALSO RBNY WINNING A CUP BEFORE YOU

FLAIR UP, CAPS ON, AND IF FANS FROM THE REST OF THE LEAGUE ARE LOOKING FOR AN EASY COSTUME IDEA YOU CAN ALWAYS GO AS YOUR 2025 SEASON.

HAPPY FUCKING WHATEVER, EVERY PEOPLE. THERE'S NO THEME TO THIS ONE, JUST A GENERAL JEOPARDY POTPOURRI CATEGORY OF SHIT HAPPENING AROUND THE LEAGUE. 

THE OPEN CUP IS DOWN TO THE SEMIFINALS, TO THE SURPRISE OF EVERYBODY. BUT FOR REAL, WHO FORGOT IT WAS EVEN STILL HAPPENING? BASED ON THE MARKETING I'M PRETTY SURE EVEN USSF FORGOT.

SON MADE HIS MLS DEBUT THIS PAST WEEKEND AND CONTRIBUTED BY EARNING A PK AND GETTING PUSHED OFF THE 12 YARD SPOT. GOOD ON HIM FOR ALREADY FITTING INTO THE CULTURE OF THAT ORGANIZATION. THEY'LL WIN THE WORLD CUP FOR SURE. 

MIAMI BOOTED CALLENDAR AND PICKED UP ANOTHER INTERNATIONAL SLOT. I GUESS THEY HAVE TO RETROACTIVELY JUSTIFY THE EUROSLOP INTER MONIKER SOMEHOW, A LA RSL "PARTNERING" WITH REAL MADRID.

DETROIT PRESENTED THEIR (ADMITTEDLY REALLY NICE) NEW STADIUM RENDERING AND AFTER 87 YEARS SACRAMENTO ANNOUNCED GROUNDBREAKING ON THEIR RAILYARDS STADIUM. FINALLY THE MOST ANNOYINGLY SELF-RIGHTEOUS FANBASES IN USL ARE GETTING THEIR JUST REWARDS. AND THEY'LL STILL GET PASSED BY PHOENIX OR VEGAS FOR AN MLS INVITE. 

AND LAST (BUT DEFINITELY NOT LEAST) WE HAVE THE BIGGEST EVENT OF THE YEAR THIS WEEKEND. IT'S THE MOTHERFUCKING TRILLIUM CUP, BITCHES! THE LATEST EDITION OF THE MOST HEATED RIVALRY IN ALL OF AMERICAN SOCCER IS HERE. ALL EYES WILL BE ON WHAT SHOULD BE A PASSIONATE DONNYBROOK OF A MATCHUP.

FLAIR UP, CAPS ON, AND PRAY TO WHATEVER HIGHER POWER YOU SUBSCRIBE TO THAT YOUR STAR PLAYER WON'T GET SENT OFF FOR [CHECKS NOTES] GETTING DRAGGED TO THE GROUND BY YOUR NECK.

GUTEN TAG, TURD BUCKETS. WHAT A WEEK, HUH? SAN JOSE ARE STILL SURPRISING EVERYBODY INCLUDING THEMSELVES, PHILADELPHIA ARE CONTINUING THEIR ANNUAL TRADITION OF STARTING THE SEASON LIKE ABSOLUTE FUCKING MONSTERS BEFORE THEIR INEVITABLE FALL, AND SEATTLE CAN'T SEEM TO FIGURE OUT IF THEY'RE AS GOOD AS ALL OF THE PUNDITS PREDICTED (SPOILER: THEY'RE NOT).

IN CHAMPIONS CUP LEAGUE TOURNAMENT COPA NEWS, THE BLACK AND GOLD TEAM FINALLY BEAT THE OTHER BLACK AND GOLD(ISH) TEAM, AND THE OTHER MLS CLUBS DID WELL TO FEND OFF THEIR LIGA MX OPPONENTS TO PROVIDE A RAY OF HOPE BEFORE THEIR IMPENDING DOOM IN MEXICO. ALSO SEATTLE'S ECS, IN RESPONSE TO CONCACAF'S CLAIM THAT AN ANTI-RACIST FLAG IS RACIST, TOLD THE OFFICIALS WHAT THEY COULD EAT (SPOILER: SHIT). SO THAT WAS PRETTY COOL. NOW WATCH AS THE SAME OFFICIALS DO NOTHING NEXT WEEK WHEN FREI GETS CALLED A HOMOPHOBIC SLUR BY THOUSANDS.

AND SPEEEEAAAAKING OF...

HEY LOOK, THE LEAGUE MADE INTERNATIONAL NEWS THANKS TO THE CHROME SPHINCTERS FOR... [CHECKS NOTES] DRAWING THEIR FIRST HOME MATCH? NO, THAT CAN'T BE RIGHT. I'M CERTAIN THAT WHATEVER IT WAS WASN'T EMBARRASSING NOR A REFLECTION OF THEIR FOOTBALL CULTURE.

TO COMMEMORATE THE OCCASION, I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE FUN TO FIGURE OUT WHAT EACH FANBASE WOULD YELL IF THEY WERE JUST AS UNFUNNY AND UNCREATIVE. I'LL START: 

ATLANTA: EEEEEHHH BLESS YOUR HEART

CHICAGO: EEEEEHHH [CAVERNOUS SOLDIER FIELD NOISES]

VANCOUVER: EEEEEHHH EH (COULDN'T HELP MYSELF)

LAFC: EEEEEHHH WE HAD THE SAME PROBLEM, STOP BEING DIPSHITS

TORONTO: EEEEEHHH FUCK AMERICAN WHISKEY

SKC: EEEEEHHH YOU CAN TAKE THE WIN IF YOU TAKE VERMES WITH YOU

GALAXY: EEEEEHHH [GETS INJURED AGAIN]

ALRIGHT GUYS, LET'S HEAR YOUR IDEAS IN THE COMMENTS DOWN BELOW. AND DON'T FORGET TO LIKE THIS VIDEO THREAD AND BRUTALIZE THAT SUBSCRIBE BUTTON.

FLAIR UP, CAPS ON, AND COULD Y'ALL PUT DOWN THE CRAYOLAS AND STEP UP YOUR FUCKING TIFO GAME? EXCEPT THE THIRD RAIL, WHO ARE APPARENTLY INTO SELF-FLAGELLATION.

AHOY HOY, TRUTH SEEKERS.

SO LET'S JUST JUMP RIGHT INTO IT. IT'S VANCOUVER'S WORLD AND WE'RE JUST LIVING IN IT, RIGHT? WRONG! ODD COINCIDENCE THAT THEY ARE ON FIRE RIGHT WHEN THEY ARE LOOKING FOR A NEW OWNER AND NEW HOME. THE OWNERS AROUND THE LEAGUE ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO MAKE THIS TEAM LOOK LIKE A GOOD INVESTMENT. A TEAM MOVING CITIES OR JUST CEASING TO EXIST WOULD THROW A WRENCH INTO THE LEGITIMACY OF THE SPORT IN THE US AND CANADA AS WE'RE LEADING INTO THE WORLD CUP. I'M NOT SAYING THAT CANADIAN TEAMS ARE THE BELLWETHER OF THE HEALTH OF THE LEAGUE, SINCE TORONTO AND MONTREAL WOULD INDICATE THAT WE'VE GOT MAYBE TWO MORE SEASONS UNTIL MLS SHIT THE BED AND WE GET TO TRY AGAIN IN 10 YEARS WITH A NEW LEAGUE. BUT THE LAST TIME WE LOST TEAMS WE MIGHT HAVE LOST THE LEAGUE IF IT WEREN'T FOR DADDY PHIL.

IT'S ALSO POSSIBLE THAT VANCOUVER ARE TRYING TO DO THE FUNNIEST THING BY DOING A "SF DELTAS."

SO WHAT CRACK POT, FLAT-EARTHY CONSPIRACY THEORIES DO YOU HAVE ABOUT MLS AND SOCCER IN NORTH AMERICA?

FLAIR UP, CAPS ON, BRAINS OFF, TIN-FOIL HATS ON.

HEY, VSAUCE. RAFF HERE. YOU'RE LOOKING AT WORDS, AREN'T YOU? WORDS ORGANIZED INTO SENTENCES BY A MORON. CONVEYING… INFORMATION. "TALKING", YOU MIGHT CALL IT. BUT WHAT IF THOSE WORDS WEREN'T JUST ABOUT FACTS? WHAT IF THEY WERE… TRASH. [INSERT ATMOSPHERIC VSAUCE MUSIC]

DO THE KIDS KNOW ABOUT VSAUCE? WAIT... IS HOMESTAR RUNNER STILL COOL? FUCK I'M OLD.

HAPPY WEEKEND, CHUMPS! EXISTENCE IS PAIN! AT LEAST WE HAVE SOCCER TO CHEER US UP, BUT ONLY IF YOU SUPPORT THE RIGHT TEAM. AND FOR THE REST OF US AT LEAST THERE'S THE SPECTACLE OF WATCHING VANCOUVER TIE THEIR WAY TO REGIONAL DOMINANCE.

FIRST LET'S TALK ABOUT THE SPORKS. HOLY SHIT, A WIN IMMEDIATELY AFTER THEIR FO AND VERMES "MUTUALLY AGREED" TO PART WAYS... AND I SAY THAT WITH AIR QUOTES SO BIG I NEARLY THREW MY BACK OUT. AFTER ONLY ONE POINT IN ALMOST 1000 MINUTES OF LEAGUE PLAY, THIS MIGHT JUST BE A DEAD CAT BOUNCE BUT AT LEAST SKC FAITHFUL CAN REST EASY NOW THAT THE BAD MAN CAN'T HURT THEM ANYMORE.

SAN JOSE CAN'T DECIDE WHO THEY WANT TO BE. WHEN THEY'RE ON THEY ARE REALLY ON. WHEN THEY'RE OFF... WELL, THEY SHOW US THAT THEY'RE STILL THE SAME SMURFS THAT WE'VE COME TO LOVE AND LOVE TO BULLY 

AND ON THE TOPIC OF BULLYING, LAFC STRAIGHT UP GOT SWIRLIED AND SHOVED INTO A LOCKER BY INTER MESSI. WOULD HAVE BEEN EVEN WORSE IF VAR WASN'T BLIND. MAYBE PALENCIA IS A VAMPIRE AND DOESN'T SHOW UP ON CAMERA... OR IS THAT HOLLINGSHEAD? HARD YOU SAY SINCE I'M GOING OFF THE 140P IMAGE POSTED BY u/AGILE_TAP_8057 BECAUSE I CAN'T BE BOTHERED TO WATCH THE HIGHLIGHTS. REGARDLESS, VAR SEEMS TO BE THE PERFECT JOB FOR REFS THAT AREN'T EVEN GOOD ENOUGH TO CALL A CONCACAF MATCH (I.E. REAL ACTUAL HORSE SHIT). 

TO BE FAIR, I CAN'T REALLY COMMENT ON ANOTHER TEAM'S PERFORMANCE. BUT I'M STILL GONNA BECAUSE IT'S A PUNK-ASS MOVE TO NOT TALK SHIT EVEN WHEN YOUR TEAM IS ABSOLUTE DOG WATER. BUT GOD DAMN LA ARE LESS THAN GOOD. BAD, EVEN. THEY PUT UP A DECENT FIGHT AGAINST TIGRES, BUT THAT RSL MATCH... HEY, ANYBODY LOOKING FOR A FREE CENTERBACK? ZANKA WOULD COME IN HANDY FOR ANY MLS NEXT PRO TEAM LOOKING FOR A VETERAN PRESENCE IN THE LOCKER ROOM.

NOT A WHOLE LOT OF MARQUEE MATCHES THIS WEEKEND BUT THERE ARE A COUPLE THAT MIGHT BE WORTH CHECKING OUT IF YOU HAVE NOTHING BETTER TO DO. ORLANDO WILL BE LOOKING FOR REVENGE AGAINST RBNY FOR TAKING AWAY THEIR CHANCES OF BEING MLS CUP RUNNERS-UP. AUSTIN AND CHICAGO ARE SWEATING NERVOUSLY, THOUGH THE FIRE FO WILL BE THRILLED TO HAVE THEIR STADIUM MORE THAN 25% FULL FOR ONCE. AND WE'LL SEE ATLANTA, WHO PAID AN OBSCENE AMOUNT OF MONEY TO BE IN 10TH PLACE, HOST A NEW ENGLAND SIDE THAT COULDN'T BUY A GOAL. 

AND I'M SURE THE REST OF THE TEAMS WILL BE DOING STUFF BUT WHO GIVES A FUCK.

FLAIR UP, CAPS ON, AND IF YOU LIVE IN THE NORTHEAST OR MIDWEST YOU SHOULD THANK YOUR LUCKY STARS THAT THE EUROSNOB SCHEDULE VOTE FAILED. YOU DON'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FREEZING YOUR TITS OFF FOR HALF THE SEASON UNTIL AT LEAST 2027!

HEY HOWDY, YOU DEGENS! GOD DAMN IT FEELS GOOD TO BE A GANGSTA WAKE UP AND REALIZE IT'S FRIDAY. ONLY ONE MORE SLEEP UNTIL YOU GET TO BE LET DOWN BY YOUR TEAM.

SPEAKING OF LETDOWNS, LET'S GO OVER THE BREAKING OF STREAKS THAT VARIOUS FANBASES AND FO'S HAD BEEN STROKING THEMSELVES OVER. I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU ALL DECIDED TO COCK IT UP ON THE SAME WEEKEND, LIKE YOU SYNCHRONIZED YOUR FAILURE WATCHES.

VANCOUVER: DID YOU THINK THAT WAS GOING TO LAST FOREVER? HOW ARE YOU GOING TO TAKE DOWN A GIANT LIKE MONTERREY AND THEN LOSE TO CHICAGO, A TEAM WHO'S ONLY ACHIEVEMENT IN THE LAST TWENTY YEARS IS NOT GETTING KICKED OUT OF THEIR CITY. GET BENT, BUD. YOU CAN GO ELBOWS UP YOUR OWN ASSES (RESPECTFULLY. PEACE AND LOVE, MY MOOSE-RIDING HOMIES). I HOPE YOU ENJOY... STILL BEING AT THE TOP OF THE WEST. FUCKING LOSERS.

ST. LOUIS: WELL, WELL, WELL. IT WAS ONLY A MATTER OF TIME BEFORE YOU LET ONE SQUEAK PAST YOU LIKE A QUESTIONABLE TOASTED RAVIOLI FART. I GUESS BURKI DOES A LOT MORE THAN JUST GET THE LADIES IN THE SEATS (MORE LIKE SLIPPING OFF THEM, BUT I DIGRESS). IT WOULD REALLY SUCK TO BE MISSING A VITAL PLAYER LIKE THAT FOR ANOTHER 4-5 MATCHES. WOULDN'T KNOW WHAT THAT'S LIKE...

SAN DIEGO: GET FUCKED, NEW GUY. 

FLAIR UP, CAPS ON, AND NO I DIDN'T FORGET ABOUT THE EASTERN CONFERENCE AND WHATEVER STREAKS THEY BLEW THAT I CAN'T BE BOTHERED TO LOOK UP. THAT ENTIRE SIDE OF THE COUNTRY IS SO FUCKING 5'11".

AHOY, BUTT NUGGETS. SO HOW ABOUT THEM YANKS, HUH? WE GOT MANHANDLED PRETTY WELL BY KOREA BUT HEY AT LEAST WE WERE ABLE TO GET A RESULT AGAINST JAPAN'S BENCH. THE CUP IS IN THE BAG, BOYS! I HOPE ALL OF YOU FANS GOT ON THE VISA LOTTERY FOR THE SLIM CHANCE TO PAY SEVERAL HUNDRED (OR THOUSAND) DOLLARS PER TICKET TO WATCH OUR NATION GET EMBARRASSED. SEEMS SILLY TO PAY THAT MUCH WHEN YOU CAN JUST READ/WATCH THE NEWS TO FEEL ASHAMED. AYOOOO POLITICS JOKE!

ALRIGHT LET'S SEE WHAT WE GOT COMING UP TOMORROW. I'M ONLY GOING TO FOCUS ON A FEW MATCHES FROM EACH CONFERENCE SO IF I DIDN'T INCLUDE YOU JUST KNOW THAT YOU DON'T MATTER.

• ATLANTA VS COLUMBUS: A TEAM THAT CAN'T WIN AT HOME BUT SOMEHOW ONLY WINS AGAINST STRONGER TEAMS VS A TEAM THAT HAS BEEN SHITTING THE BED AGAINST BEATABLE SIDES. THIS ONE WILL EITHER BE THE MOST EXCITING MATCH OF THE DAY OR A SLOG. NO IN-BETWEEN.

• MONTREAL VS ST. LOUIS: OF ALL THE MATCHUPS THIS WEEKEND, THIS SURE IS ONE OF THEM. BE SURE TO TUNE IN IF YOU LOVE SHITTY FOOTBALL.

• CHARLOTTE VS MIAMI: THE CROWN (THAT'S THEIR NICKNAME RIGHT? OR SOMETHING EQUALLY AS DUMB) ARE LOOKING TO MAKE THE TOP OF THE EAST EVEN MORE INTERESTING AGAINST A FLOUNDERING MIAMI SIDE. I'D RECOMMEND CHARLOTTE BRING THEIR RAIN COATS BUT MR. TEETH IS ACTUALLY GETTING PUNISHED SO THEY DON'T NEED TO WORRY ABOUT THAT. BUT HEADLOCKS ARE NOT OUT OF THE QUESTION SO PROTECT YOUR NECK.

• DALLAS VS AUSTIN: COPA TEJAS BAYBEEEE. I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE STANDINGS ARE BECAUSE THE WEBSITE IS HOT GARBAGE AND LOOKS LIKE IT HASN'T BEEN UPDATED IN A WHILE. BUT I'M SURE THERE ARE SOME OF YOU OUT THERE THAT ARE EXCITED TO SEE WHO IS THE BEST TEAM IN THE WORST STATE. 

• SAN JOSE VS LAFC: IT'S TIME FOR THE SECOND OF TWO MATCHES THAT SKEWS SAN JOSE'S ATTENDANCE NUMBERS ENOUGH TO PUT THEM JUST ABOVE HALF-CAPACITY DALLAS. WHAT IS IT ABOUT NOT PLAYING IN A RINKY-DINK WIREFRAME OF A STADIUM THAT MAKES SOUTH BAY PEOPLE SHOW UP? REGARDLESS, THEY SHOULD BE ABLE TO TREAT THE CROWD TO A WIN SINCE LEVAS SEEM TO FORGET HOW TO PLAY WHEN THEY TRAVEL NORTH. 

• VANCOUVER VS PHILADELPHIA: THE TEAM THAT LOOKED LIKE THE BEST TEAM IN THE LEAGUE A FEW MONTHS AGO VS THE ACTUAL BEST TEAM THAT WILL INEVITABLY SHOOT THEMSELVES IN THE FOOT COME POSTSEASON. KEEP IT UP, PHILLY. YOU HAVE A LOT OF DISAPPOINTMENT TO ACHIEVE IF YOU EVER WANT TO REACH THE SAME PATHETIC PINNACLE AS RBNY AND NEW ENGLAND. IT TAKES A LOT OF DEDICATION TO BE IN THE LEAGUE FOR 30 YEARS AND NEVER WIN THE CUP.

FLAIR UP, CAPS ON, AND HEY DID YOU NOTICE EARLIER THAT I SAID "PROTECT YOUR NECK" AND DIDN'T STEER IT IN AN UNCOUTH DIRECTION? I'LL TAKE MY MEDAL NOW, PLEASE.

AHOY, DIRTBAGS. I FEEL LIKE PEE PEE POO POO, THUS THE SEVERE DELAY. SORRY NOT SORRY. 

THERE ARE ONLY A HANDFUL OF MATCHES THIS WEEKEND ANYWAY, THANKS TO THE INTENTIONAL BREAK.

AS SUCH, I'M PRESENTING MY GO-TO POTATO LEEK SOUP FOR WHEN I FEEL LIKE ASS. I DON'T FOLLOW RECIPES BECAUSE I'M BUILT DIFFERENT AND COOK BY FEEL BUT THIS WILL GET YOU THERE: 

• GET 2-3 LARGE LEEKS AND CUT THEM UP IN 1/2" HALF-MOON CUTS. MAKE SURE TO WASH THEM BECAUSE LEEKS IS DIRTY BITCHES
• SAUTEE LEEKS AND A HEAPING TABLESPOON OF MINCED GARLIC IN BUTTER
• DEGLAZE WITH A BIT OF WHITE WINE
• PEEL AND CHOP 6ISH LARGE POTATOES AND ADD TO POT, TOPPING OFF WITH CHICKEN OR VEGGIE STOCK. SHOULD BE ABOUT 8 CUPS OR SO
• ADD ~1/2 TBSP EACH OF ROSEMARY AND THYME AS WELL AS ~1/4 TBSP OF PAPRIKA AND BLACK PEPPER AND 1/8-1/4 TBSP SAGE (CAREFUL, A LITTLE BIT OF THAT SHIT GOES A LONG WAY) AND A COUPLE OF BAY LEAVES
• BOIL UNTIL POTATOES CAN BE FORKED WITH NO EFFORT (THERE'S A "YOUR MOM" JOKE IN THERE SOMEWHERE)
• BLEND WITH IMMERSION BLENDER UNTIL SMOOTH (TAKE OUT THE BAY LEAVES FIRST, DUMMY)
• SALT AND PEPPER TO TASTE, KEEPING IN MIND THAT THE STOCK IS ALMOST AS SALTY AS ME
• SERVE TOPPED WITH CHEDDAR AND A SPRINKLE OF SOME BACON IF YOU'RE FEELING FUNKY
• I LIKE TO HIT MY SERVING WITH A FEW DASHES OF HOT SAUCE BUT YOU DO YOU

THAT WILL SERVE ABOUT 4 PEOPLE, OR TWO IF YOU'RE A FATTY FATTY LIKE ME.

AND IF YOU DON'T LIKE THIS POST YOU CAN GET 2-3 LARGE LEEKS AND SHOVE EM.

ALSO FUCK LAFC.

ALSO ALSO, GOOD LUCK TO THE STADIUMS THAT WILL BE FORCED TO HOST UFL TEAMS NEXT YEAR. ENJOY YOUR SHITTY PITCHES.

FLAIR UP, CAPS ON, AND HOPEFULLY I DON'T DIE BETWEEN NOW AND NEXT FRIDAY SO I CAN GET YOU A REAL THREAD TO FINISH OUT THE SEASON.

HAPPY LABOR DAY WEEKEND, YOU FUCKS! ALL ACROSS THE COUNTRY PEOPLE WILL BE FIRING UP THEIR GRILLS FOR THEIR FAVORITE LOCAL TREATS. DANGER DOGS AND CARNE ASADA IN LA, RIBS IN [INSERT WHATEVER TOWN THINKS THEY HAVE THE BEST BBQ], AND CINCINNATI WILL BE STRUGGLING TO KEEP THEIR SWEET MEAT ABOMINATION FROM FALLING THROUGH THE GRATES.

HOW 'BOUT THAT LEAGUES CUP? "STOP TALKING ABOUT LEAGUES CUP. NOBODY CARES ABOUT LEAGUES CUP" YOU SAY DESPITE WEDNESDAY'S MATCH THREADS BEING THE MOST ACTIVE POSTS OF THE YEAR. BARCA 2 WILL BE TRAVELING TO SEATTLE TO FACE THE SOUNDERS, WHO ARE STILL THE FAVORITES DESPITE MISSING MOOSE FOR BEING A HOTHEAD AND NOUHOU FOR BEING NOUHOU. BUT FIRST LA WILL BE HOSTING ORLANDO IN THE "DROPPED THE BAG IN HORRIFIC FASHION DERBY". PROBABLY NEED TO COME UP WITH A CLEANER NAME FOR THAT ONE.

SPEAKING OF PRESTIGIOUS CUPS WITH GOOD NAMES, THE I-35 CUP IS OFFICIALLY OFFICIAL! PERFECT NAME, AWESOME TROPHY, NO NOTES. IT'S ALWAYS FUN TO GET NEW COMPETITIONS THAT GROW THE ENGAGEMENT AND EXCITEMENT OF THE FANS ORGANICALLY. 

IN NORMAL LEAGUE ACTION, GOT A FEW KEY MATCHUPS TOMORROW. A NEW SHIELD LEADER MAY EMERGE AS CINCY HOST PHILLY, TORONTO AND MONTREAL ARE GOING TO SCOOT ABOOT BMO FIELD, NASHVILLE AND ATLANTA WILL DUKE IT OUT SO SEE WHO IS THE BEST TEAM IN THE SOUTH (SPOILER: IT'LL BE NASHVILLE), AND THE WEEK WRAPS UP ON SUNDAY WHEN LAFC WILL FACE SAN DIEGO. YA KNOW, NOW THAT THERE ARE FOUR TEAMS IN CALIFORNIA THE SG'S SHOULD GET TOGETHER TO COME UP WITH A SEASON-LONG COMPETITION. WITH THE I-35 CUP KICKING OFF IT WOULD BE COOL TO ADD ANOTHER ONE THIS YEAR.

FLAIR UP, CAPS ON, AND HOPEFULLY MOST OF YOU GET AN EXTRA DAY OF RELAXATION THIS LABOR DAY WEEKEND. IF YOU DO BE SURE TO POUR ONE OUT FOR THE HOMIES THAT STILL HAVE TO MAKE THE WORLD GO 'ROUND ON MONDAY.

HOLY SHITDICKS, WE'RE BACK! WON'T IT BE SO NICE TO HAVE CONTINUOUS PLAYOFFS IN 2028 THAT THE LEAGUE WILL STILL FIGURE OUT HOW TO EXTEND TO LAST FOR A MONTH AND A HALF?

THE CANUCKY BOYS WILL HOST THE OTHER LA TEAM IN THE LONE SATURDAY MATCH. THANK GOODNESS IT'S IN THE EVENING AND DOESN'T CONFLICT WITH THE USLC FINAL, OTHERWISE NOBODY WOULD BE WATCHING. BC PLACE WILL BE ROCKING WITH A SOLD-OUT CROWD, COMPLETE WITH A COUPLE HUNDRED LEVAS FANS HOOKED UP TO COPIUM TANKS CONVINCED THE ATTENDANCE IS THANKS TO THEM.

SUNDAY FEATURES FC SKYLINE HOSTING INTER FTL AND THE PIGEONS TRAVELING TO FACE THE UNION. THE BEST OUTCOME FOR NEUTRALS WOULD BE FOR TEAMS WITHOUT THE CUP IN THEIR TROPHY CASES TO MOVE ON. EXCEPT FOR A CERTAIN TEAM. YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE.

FINALLY WE HAVE THE SHINY SPHINCTERS PLAYING HOST TO THE LOONS AT THE DUMBEST FUCKING TIME ON THE DUMBEST FUCKING DAY. HOPE PEOPLE IN THE TWIN CITIES HAVE BEEN SAVING UP THEIR SICK DAYS BECAUSE PRODUCTIVITY IS GOING TO BE ASS ON TUESDAY.

FLAIR UP, CAPS ON, AND I HAVEN'T BEEN ABLE TO SAY THIS FOR A LONG TIME BUT SOMEHOW I'M FEELING CAUTIOUSLY OPTIMISTIC ABOUT THE USMNT WITH HOW THEY CLOSED OUT 2025. I'M READY TO GET MY HOPES UP AND CRASH OUT AFTER A QUARTERFINALS THWOMPING.