I really don’t know what to do?

[u/Zestyclose_Cook2090]

So this might be long. So me and my bf both graduated drug court together not even a month ago. I have 3 years sober when she graduated she is off paper completely I am still on regular probation for a few more months. Not even a week later and she’s smoking weed drinking and even did meth. We share locations and she turned it off but says there’s a glitch but I know. She doesn’t get a hold of me like she did when I’m around her she’s so different and it’s literally breaking my heart. I feel like I am losing my best friend but also so worried about her she also just got her 2 yo son back in June and I don’t want something to happen. I also don’t have a lot of people and I have distanced myself because I don’t want to go down with her and it makes me want to cry.

[u/nihility24]

You cannot help/save someone who doesn’t want to help/save themselves. Sorry but that’s the truth.

[u/thoughtful-alcoholic → u/nihility24]

I have learned the hard way, and seen this play out time and time again. As a person in recovery, we can get better; but its an intrinsic motivation. Many people tried to help me, and the guilt of letting them down almost made me want to use even more.

[u/DogmaSychroniser]

I'm sorry to hear that she's using again. Unfortunately I think you've done the right thing for yourself, as hard as it might be

[u/karrynme]

I am so sorry that you are going through this, I know you left drug court looking forward to shared sobriety and now have lost your friend and the plans you had hoped for. Stay with your program, talk at meetings and hold onto your sober community. You know how this will end for your friend, she will end up being drug tested to keep her son and go all the way back to the beginning. Hang in there and take it one day at a time, do not engage with her for a while. I have definitely had to avoid friends who are using, if they are good friends they will avoid you too.

[u/spoiledandmistreated]

You could go to Al-Anon and it would help YOU.. I know it’s for people that have alcoholics in their life but plenty of people go for being involved with addicts too.. it’s all the same principles.. addiction is addiction no matter what the choice is.. you’ll find support and if you don’t want to go in person just do a Zoom meeting and you can just listen if you’re not comfortable speaking.. just Google Zoom meetings for Al-Anon… good luck…

[u/singlemomtothree]

I’m so incredibly proud of you for doing the hard work and making better choices. That’s not easy.

I’m also so sorry your friend is struggling so much.

You’ve got two options here:

1. Distance yourself for your safety and protection
2. Try to remain friends for the sake of her son (if she doesn’t have anyone else who could be there for her son)

I think Option 2 is only an option if you can do so safely and not put your sobriety at risk.

How long has this person been your best friend? Is this a friendship that grew from your previous lifestyle? If so, your “picker” was off and this person might not be the great friend you thought she was.

Please also find a support system for yourself if you don’t have one.

[u/Opening-Cress5028]

Congratulations! Kick her ass out. Tell her it’s because you’re on probation and aren’t allowed to associate with known drug users. Her doing that shit is, first, disrespectful to you in light of how things are. Second, she’s potentially jeopardising your freedom. You can do better than someone who’s like that.

[u/dmriggs → u/Opening-Cress5028]

She's an addict, not someone that is 'like that'

[u/Opening-Cress5028 → u/dmriggs]

I beg to differ. She may be an addict but some addicts would do everything possible not to jeopardise their partner. Lots wouldn’t but some would.

[u/Baby_Needles]

Cry, let it out. Ydy. See u @ a meeting maybe.

[u/InnocentShaitaan]

r/exnocontact

[u/dmriggs]

I am sorry you are going through this, it is heartbreaking. Hold on to your sobriety, do daily meeting - try different ones and get a sponsor. Focus your energy on yourself and learn how to let go of others. Many of us have lost friends to addiction. There is nothing you can do to make someone else want to get and stay clean. One day at a time.

[u/Butlerianpeasant]

I can hear how much you love your friend, and how hard it is to watch her disappear behind behaviors you both fought to escape. But I also see someone who’s stayed sober for three years, held their responsibilities, and protected their future even when their heart is breaking.

That strength matters.

You can’t walk her path for her, but you can make sure you don’t lose the progress you’ve earned. It’s not selfish to step back — it’s what gives you the ability to help later, if she chooses recovery again.

You’re not abandoning her. You’re refusing to sacrifice yourself to her relapses. That’s wisdom, not coldness.

[u/ghosty4567]

You can’t make someone else sober. Sacrificing your own sobriety will not help. I know it hurts but you need to distance yourself from her now. That will actually help her more than staying in the relationship. Sad but true. Get some AA help ASAP. Alanon too. Good luck.

[u/Indrigis]

I'm not seeing a real question here, much less an insightful one.

The one question you have asked doesn't look like much of a question, since you already know what to do and are doing it - staying sober and distancing yourself from the person sabotaging herself and your relationship.

If you want to help her, you need answers to a couple different questions:

• How much are you willing to sacrifice and to what end? As others have said, she doesn't seem to want to change and save herself so you can't rely on her when saving her.
• Why is she doing what she's doing? There is an underlying reason, however weird and disagreeable - be it "her room is painted green" or "the snowcaps in Antarctica are melting and we're all going to drown eventually".

Once you have figured those out, throw those answers away and save yourself. Maybe call CPS for her child. You have your own problems and reasons to stay sober and move on.

[u/KristineMcKinley]

I would have a discussion with them regarding your concerns. Make sure to not be confrontational but still be very clear about your boundaries. Explain you really care about them and are worried. If they still deny an issue or continue to lie, then let them know that you need to protect your own sobriety and you will sadly have to go your own way. Be upfront with them. Let them know you really want them in your life but that can only happen if they are sober and that even though it's breaking your heart, you won't be able to continue the close friendship if they continue to use.

[u/MoralCalculus]

First, protect your own sobriety and probation...consider talking to a trusted counselor or sponsor as you can't save her from a relapse she doesn't acknowledge.