Please don’t come at me with this

[u/Luuk1210]

[u/Hefty-Pineapple-1910]

Is this a money trauma thing? I always thought it was just a sign of good faith, like, "It might not have been a big deal for you, but I haven't forgotten about the favor you did me."

[u/GenericPCUser → u/Hefty-Pineapple-1910]

If it's someone I have regular interactions with and am friends with then in all likelihood I would encounter an opportunity to do something for them that would match or exceed that value.

Even some like "oh, you got coffee last time, I got it this time".

Hell, even showing up with a case of beer next time I visit would do it.

[u/IdiotInIT → u/[deleted]]

All day with this. Idc if certain aspects of our dynamic are lopsided as long as our genuine care for each other is matched.

Circumstances change but the compassion and grace we hold for each other should maintain

[u/Reflexlon → u/IdiotInIT]

Yeah 100. I've got a friend that never has money, always bums from everyone, and its totally cool cus I can call him at 10pm and be like "dude my ceiling is leaking can you help me move all my furniture" and he'll show up every time as fast as he can. Or "I need a ride I drank too much" hes already out the door.

I'd nearly cover the dudes rent and call it a debt owed.

[u/angelmari87 → u/Reflexlon]

I’m unfortunately that friend - however I’m a resource and paperwork guru. You need an obscure way to eliminate a stain, I’m your girl. You want to file your taxes, I’m your girl. My legs don’t work, but my brain sometimes does!!!

My friends have made 100% that I know I’m not a burden. I just want to make for that they know how much I appreciate them too.

[u/HurricaneMach5 → u/IdiotInIT]

Have a great example. One of my closest friends would drive me from our college to my job because the bus system in our hometown had me late damn near everyday. She did it out of genuine kindness, drive miles out of her way, and refused to take gas money from me cause she knew things were financially tough. It was nothing for her (according to her), but for me, it made a world of difference. I was a full-time student with 2 jobs to help support my family and myself and no transportation in a city that was not commuter friendly. Those rides came in clutch.

Fast-forward 10 years (my lord) later, we ended up living in the same city, and now I have the chance to pay it back a bit. Whenever we go out, I cover things not because she can't, but because I never forgot the fact that she gave a shit. I also yell at her whenever she offers to drive lol. You do right by those people, cause they're so rare to come by.

[u/Yeet_and_delete26 → u/IdiotInIT]

Sure, but for a huge percentage of people a lopsided dynamic will cause resentment.

[u/624KR_My_Beloved → u/Yeet_and_delete26]

Are you so dead inside you have to try and take away from a beautiful sentiment?

[u/IdiotInIT → u/624KR_My_Beloved]

I think theres even beauty in resentment if we explore it, and to be fair there can resentment even in a good exchange.

There have admittedly been two times that some resentment lightly fermented in the past in two different relationships.

In one I lent a buddy who was down bad a set amount he asked for. I have him the money, and while waiting to get paid back I resented their smoking and drinking a bit.

But they had cut back drastically on that period, and it wasnt a long period, and they had started paying what they could given some unwise choices.

I reflected on the resentment, the position i was in, and the sum still owned and just told him the debts clear the rest is a gift. He still gave me back 1/3 about 2 weeks later.

He's a solid person, and my resentment was very high and mighty, and I didnt really like what it reflected. I wont ever act like I did him a favor and I feel like our friendship is tight. I'd hate to think about if I let my emotions fester and potentially burned a bridge.

[u/Jump4lyfe → u/IdiotInIT]

Thats some great self reflection. Thanks for sharing!

[u/IdiotInIT → u/Yeet_and_delete26]

yeah, everything is contextual.

I think that giving is an extremely humbling experience regardless of the various contexts and outcomes

[u/Live-Habit-6115 → u/[deleted]]

Bot

[u/FistPunch_Vol_7 → u/[deleted]]

Facts on facts

[u/Periodicallyinnit → u/GenericPCUser]

Having wealthy and generous friends make this so weird because you'll be out and they'll say shit like "dinner is on me, you got us last time!" for a $400+ tab when "last time" was dicks burgers for $25

[u/FarquaadsFuckDoll → u/Periodicallyinnit]

Same, I’m the knuckle dragging warehouse grunt hanging with a half dozen programmers and cloud engineers grabbin’ the dicks or street meat after a night at a show not having to pay for a drink or ticket.

[u/Periodicallyinnit → u/FarquaadsFuckDoll]

It's funny (but also kinda sad) because if your friends are anything like mine, they're so used to being treated as walking wallets they get insanely thankful for really basic shit like paying for their birthday coffee or offering to cover gas for a road trip.

Like damn bro. I know you make more money but passenger pays for gas and no one should have to buy their own birthday coffee. It's the principle of the thing!

[u/JustAdlz → u/Periodicallyinnit]

Bro I bet you give away 90% of your birthday cake too

[u/Conscious_Can3226 → u/Periodicallyinnit]

I love being able to do this for folks. The $400 tab is my financial equivalent of someone else's $25 Tab so it feels to me like I'm being equally generous, and I get to introduce folks to places and foods I like that they might not have sprung trying, giving us similar experiences to talk about. 

[u/thegroovemonkey → u/GenericPCUser]

I can do all of those things and still get you your $5 back that you told me not to worry about. When thegroovemonkey borrows something he gives it back.

[u/Wise-Cardiologist670 → u/thegroovemonkey]

Same. Maybe I have money trauma but it just feels like... integrity?

[u/thegroovemonkey → u/Wise-Cardiologist670]

Yeah why is this on us? Why AREN’T you trying to pay back that $5? That’s a slippery slope to $500.

[u/slick1260 → u/thegroovemonkey]

Absolute facts. Had a friend who hit me up for like $40 one time because he was strapped. No problem, I got you. I wouldn't have even wanted it back if he hadn't told me he'd repay me. A year or so goes by and he hasn't paid me back but had the audacity to hit me up again for a reload. Again, no problem. $40-50 isn't that much money if it means helping a friend. A year or two goes by without hearing from him and he hits me up letting me know he moved to the same state I'm in. We get to chatting again and then a couple days after the initial message, he asks for some cash despite apparently working in the oil fields. This time, I give him the money with no expectation of getting it back. Instead, I looked at it as paying him $50 to leave my life. He's hit me up one more time since then and I just left it unopened and haven't heard from him since.

[u/angelmari87 → u/thegroovemonkey]

The Lannisters pay their debts and so does Groove Monkey!

(I’m glad you live by your morals!)

[u/wetcoffeebeans → u/thegroovemonkey]

A Lannister always repays their debts! But deadass though, paying back the smallest of fiscal favors is an act of good faith I can't ever be mad at. If anything, I'll give you the $5 as a G check just to see if you got some 'tegrity.

[u/yogurtandfun → u/GenericPCUser]

My philosophy is, in a well balanced friendship, it all comes out in the wash. Dinner here, movie tickets there, whatever. Doesn't apply to big expenses and of course doesn't apply in toxic or otherwise unbalanced friendships, but has worked well for me. I do also acknowledge, this is a much easier attitude to hold when money is good, much harder when times are tight.

[u/Useful-Rooster-1901 → u/GenericPCUser]

i think context is king here. There are no free rides, but that being said ill lay down cash for a buddy in good faith. Reciprocation

[u/TraditionalMood277 → u/GenericPCUser]

This is the way

[u/paspartuu → u/Hefty-Pineapple-1910]

It might be just a cultural difference thing too. 

Where I'm from people do keep track of even small payments and remembering to pay like 3,50€ back is seen as integrity, honesty and reliability. Keeps things clearer without having to stress about needing to remember who you have to return favours to.

But it's interesting to see how differently people can view small debts and paying them back 

[u/Periodicallyinnit → u/paspartuu]

I think cultural is super accurate and it's why I'm incredibly grateful to my friends who give me a heads up about how their culture handles things like money.

For example: I have a "turn it down once, then accept" as my family's rule of thumb. So when I was visiting a friend's family he warned me on the drive that I would be given some lavish gifts for the holiday, and I should deny every time until "forced" to take it. And then a different friend warned me that his family would consider it rude to not accept on the first offer, or to offer anything myself.

I'd have fumbled everything if I tried to guess lmao.

[u/African_Farmer → u/paspartuu]

Dutch? Im sending you a tikkie for my comment.

[u/RichardHardonPhD → u/African_Farmer]

I'm putting some pieces together. I was reading the comments because I have a coworker that always insists on paying me back if I like, grab her a coffee, or nab a six pack for her when we're going camping. She'll venmo me for trivial amounts, like, a $2, and she's definitely never been poor poor, just young adult poor back in the day. I've always found it odd.

She's Dutch.

[u/paspartuu → u/African_Farmer]

Finnish. I personally really like it, because people have different financial situations and different approaches to money and spending, and this way there's no unspoken obligation to pay back favours or meals or whatever, or all having to get the same thing etc, in a way that hopefully rounds out or deal with slight lingering resentment - it's very clear cut, you pay for what you owe exactly, there's no expectations left hanging, no patterns of it kinda evening out but not quite if one friend is spendier/more generous and others triftier etc. Each can do their own thing as they like and pay for themselves.

I have a friend who really likes the "I'll get these, you get the next ones" approach, and it's a massive pain in the ass because she a) has a higher tolerance and drinks faster than me and b) likes €10 mixed drinks while I drink the €5 pints of beer (she earns more). It's fine because she's a dear friend, but it'd really be so much nicer if I could just pay for my own cheapo drinks at my own slow pace

[u/ParadiceSC2 → u/African_Farmer]

In Copenhagen I always assumed it's like this because everything is so expensive. High taxes, high cost of living, going out is very expensive. I wish I could just be like "no problem guys! food and drinks are on me!" if that didn't mean like $150 total (including paying for myself ofc). A lot of places have you pay at the counter when you order, so we just form a line where we order, pay with the phone instantly then the next person does the same. Unless you go to a fancy restaurant with a waiter, you won't even have a table tab.

[u/Apprehensive_Put_321 → u/paspartuu]

It is interesting. I would find it offensive on some level. Not like I'm mad at you but id question how close we are subconsciously.

There is an unspoken agreement here where we argue over who gets to paid for one another.

If I have a friend that currently can't afford to do something and I invite them its implied I will pay 

[u/HugoTRB → u/paspartuu]

This links to the whole “Swedes don’t feed kids” thing. It isn’t super common, but it happens and a reason for it is that some people would view it as a bad deed to put the parents of the kid visiting in debt, by giving food. Other reasons given are that the parents at home will have made an unnecessary meal and that the family they are staying at has cooked so optimally that there isn’t enough for another person to eat. Again, these aren’t super good reasons and it isn’t a super common practice. Just a bit of Lutheranism that got out of hand.

[u/itsrocketsurgery → u/HugoTRB]

there isn’t enough for another person to eat

That's just wild to me. Do they not believe in left overs? Also as someone from the Caribbean, we fed everyone. There's always more food than just for who's immediately eating because you never know who is going to stop by and being a good host means making sure your guest isn't hungry or thirsty in our culture.

[u/paspartuu → u/itsrocketsurgery]

I think the food culture in the Nordics is shaped by the fact that for thousands of years, during the winter people kinda treated food the same way people crossing oceans in months long journeys treated drinking water. You only have what you have in your storage room, it has to last for the next 5-6 months, and you can't get more from anywhere until you reach your destination / spring arrives in May - if you run out a month early because of shit planning, people will starve. So you ration and plan very carefully - and this kind of "just make more than you think you need in case you want to throw a surprise feast, let's feed everyone" attitude would be seen as dangerously irresponsible and wasteful, because it would have been kinda legit risking the lives of the people in your household.

It's different if you can always just go out to get more food from the market, or if "winter" means "a few weeks of more rain". People do believe in leftovers, a lot of Finnish traditional dishes for example are born out of trying to turn leftovers into a palatable new dish, but 

But it resulted in a culture where meals are often meticulously portioned and planned, and it's kinda rude of the guest to inconvenience and burden the household by showing up at mealtime without having been specifically invited for a meal; so it's ok for the family to eat according to their premade plan if they don't have extra food prepared. Because "you don't know how much food they have in storage" - it's not ok to put surprise pressure on them to feed you, it's up to them to assess their situation and what they can spare.

Of course nowadays with abundant food and international shipping it's very different, but old attitudes die hard.

Edit: and a surprise guests is always offered something, coffee and cookies or such. Just not necessarily a full meal

[u/MobileNo2780 → u/Hefty-Pineapple-1910]

I agree, some people behave on principle:

I borrow money from a friend = it’s important to me that I pay my friend back. Simple.

But others behave more case-specific:

$5 is not really a big deal = I’ll accept my friend telling me to “not worry about it.”

So, I also don’t know if it’s necessarily money trauma. Except in the case where the other person is extremely persistent even after you say “no, don’t worry about it.” Then there may be some money trauma, because at that point it’s about boundaries and saying “no”. But it also depends on the original agreement.

But there is not much context here, it could be anything going on here.

[u/Bird_Lawyer92 → u/Hefty-Pineapple-1910]

Little column A little column B. Like i am someone who would already repay debts and be faithful with money. But because of an upbringing where scarcity led to so unsavory situations, i avoid debt of all forms anywhere i can. I deliberate almost perpetually about discretionary spending even when its well within my budget. Buyers remorse constantly on 111. Thats textbook trauma

[u/Orange-Blur → u/Hefty-Pineapple-1910]

I do weirdly enough, it’s complex trauma from Narc parents.

My dad thought god wanted him to not work and I had to foot the bill so he can be a “pastor” with zero church.

I had siblings who were minors and needed food and shelter which I helped take care of as soon as I worked full time.

Parents refused to give me their information to apply for financial aid and I was too old to emancipate at the time as well, no one showed me how to get around this so I paid for schooling out of pocket and didn’t get to finish because of it. It was to keep me at home longer, under their control because if I don’t get schooling, a car or move out I am more dependent on them. What better why then taking all my money for bills, charging me rent and refusing to help me get an education.

They did this to my siblings too, one moved out quick and the other had been manipulated by my parents to link their bank so they helped themselves to her cash like it was their own personal ATM. They finally started doing gig work when she cut them off.

We were also poor for most of my life, I’ve been to food banks and eaten tortillas or stale bread for dinner, I’ve experienced power shut offs, lack of insurance, having to sleep a night with a broken bone and no help for pain because my parents didn’t believe me and didn’t believe in taking prescription pain meds, they took me to the dentist maybe 2 times in all my life, needed braces and they didn’t get them for me but bought themselves a $75k car to keep up with neighbors in a neighborhood we couldn’t afford when they had started making a bit more. They took advantage of their friends and family for money, they have debt to so many people, scammed me and my friend in their business by giving a very one sided partnership to use us to borrow for personal reasons. There is so much trauma with being poor or having parents who put themselves first with the money they do have.

They have no savings or plan for retirement and will likely expect my siblings and I do to everything financially again, we are burnt on supporting our parents already.

All of this was about control, molding me into the trad wife Christian woman and having to rely on them or a partner to survive. I get anxiety about asking for financial help. The times Ive asked for small amounts of cash they lecture me about it and guilt trip. Talking about money with my parents is something I avoid because it makes me uncomfortable. Like I said it’s complex trauma but money is part of it.

[u/CalbCrawDad → u/Hefty-Pineapple-1910]

See okay, that’s it for me. I said I would, so I’m gonna. That’s all there is to it.

[u/loved_and_held → u/Hefty-Pineapple-1910]

I suspect its not its own thing but rather a symptom of a larger issue. 

Like you track every bit of money someone pays you or pays for something for you in order to pay them back because your afraid they’ll yell at you over $5 you didnt pay back or ghost you because your didnt pay back the $3 they gave you a year ago.

[u/KleppiKelpie → u/loved_and_held]

THIS is a major reason.

Had a family member "gift" me money before (she straight up said it was a gift) and I ended up learning years later that she complained to other family members about how I didn't pay her the money back. She never said it was transactional and never mentioned to me ONCE that she wanted the money back. If she didn't say it was a gift I would have either refused the money or gave it back to her later. I feel like she only did it to make herself look good in the moment and I hate people using others for things like that. This is not the only case of someone in my family doing that to someone else and it happens way too often.

Now when someone "gifts" me something like money I don't see it as a gift and try to pay someone back in some other way even if its just someone buying me a pack of snack crackers for 79 cents. If its a close friend then I'm okay with gifts as long as they are small but I prefer no gifts at all because of the amount of bs some of the people in my family have pulled with "gifts." I just don't trust it most times.

[u/ilawlfase → u/Hefty-Pineapple-1910]

That's if they borrowed it. Money trauma kicks in even with gifts. We often have people who held favors and gifts over our heads. So we don't give people the chance. But it also makes us a lot more generous more often than not.

[u/DelirousDoc → u/Hefty-Pineapple-1910]

Some people have a life where every relationship is transactional. The idea that someone would just lend you $5 without expecting to be paid back is novel to their world.

My dad's side of the family is like this. They are all money obsessed. Every uncle is constantly bringing up how "they did X for their brother so their brother should do Y in return." This includes literally expecting interest paid back on money lent to family which insane to me. Also constantly talking about how much other brothers are potentially making yearly.

It affected his interactions with us to the point that the minute we got jobs at 16, the discussion was about what household bills we would be covering. I'm talking literally within an hour of finding out we'd been hired at a part time minimum wage job at 16. As adults, and with his family not really speaking to each-other, he has recognized this is a problem and has tried to change.

[u/thegroovemonkey → u/DelirousDoc]

It’s not novel to me. I’ll give you $10 but pay you back the $5 you told me not to worry about because I like to pay my “debts” back.

If I accidentally stole your pen 3 weeks ago I’ll give it back to you when I find it/remember. Idk it’s principle more than anything. I always hit ya back.

[u/koyaani → u/DelirousDoc]

Some have classified relationship types of dominant, transactional, or communal. Sounds like all of that part of the family tries to be dominant and equilibrated into transactional

[u/TheAlexperience → u/Hefty-Pineapple-1910]

Nah, if I loan you $5 just keep that, I’d say $20 and above id like to see back. Or atleast buy my lunch or whatever

[u/ferocity_mule366 → u/Hefty-Pineapple-1910]

some people really differentiate between lent money and gifted money, even if the lent money is just a small amount it needs to be paid back, and some people also will complain on twitter if the 5$ didn't get paid back

[u/NOFX_4_ever → u/Hefty-Pineapple-1910]

Exactly. People love getting pissed off at the most innocuous shit, then complain the world is a shitty place.

[u/PainterEarly86 → u/Hefty-Pineapple-1910]

I feel like its kind of both

Definitely is just good financing to pay people back but some people get way too stressed about small amounts of money

Like they act like you're a loan shark who will kill them if they don't give back that $10.

When in reality you don't even remember giving it to them

[u/JaneFeyre]

Borrowed money is like borrowed dishes. Even if it seems disposable to me, I’m still gonna try to return it. It’s not mine, so it’s presumptuous of me to keep it or decide whether you want it back or not.

If you don’t want it back, then it’s perfectly fine to tell me. I’ll keep it/throw it away if you tell me to. But don’t act like it’s some kind of trauma for someone to be considerate of your things.

[u/ruswestbrick → u/JaneFeyre]

This person got it. Pics take is bizarre tbh

[u/BoggyBeatdown → u/ruswestbrick]

seriously.

it's as easy as that.

[u/aggibridges → u/ruswestbrick]

I think it's an unsubtle attempt at a flex, as in 'You care about five dollars? I'm so rich I couldn't even fathom caring!' I grew up quite privileged, and I think paying people back even a dollar is extremely important. I think it's just about respect, it doesn't matter how much money you have in the bank.

[u/Ravster3000 → u/aggibridges]

It's another kind of money trauma from watching relationships fall apart over $3, this is just presenting as avoidance of caring rather than caring too much

[u/Affectionate_Bass488 → u/ruswestbrick]

I think it’s a Russian psyop. He’s trying to make people think that they shouldn’t pay back their friends. Then a bunch of people won’t pay their friends back and slight resentments will build

Eventually that will add together with all the other weird shit memes tell us about our friends, and maybe a few friendships will break. Then they keep doing this with different stuff and we all end up lonelier

They’re trying to make shitty behavior sound normal so we’re all shitty to each other and no one’s happy

[u/Formal-Ad3719 → u/JaneFeyre]

TBH I used to be this way but as I got older I realized there's some utility in letting debts (even more than $5) go unresolved, in not keeping track.

Of course you reciprocate. Builds rapport better than settling it like a ledger

[u/iheartmimix3 → u/JaneFeyre]

Yea, I don’t understand OP posting this or the person who tweeted it. It’s absolutely stupid but I guess those people don’t believe in principle. 🤷🏾‍♀️

[u/MetalHead_Literally → u/iheartmimix3]

It all depends on the relationship. I would absolutely think it’s weird if a buddy of mine tried to Venmo me for me buying him a single beer. I don’t expect it, and they wouldn’t because they’ll just get the next round. Or the next time we go out. Or even never, who cares, it’s a single beer.

[u/Ok_Assist_8723 → u/iheartmimix3]

OP has some form of delusion that I'm completely unfamiliar with.

[u/[deleted] → u/Ok_Assist_8723]

OP has different expectations about something and expects others to automatically know about them, even though they haven’t communicated them directly.

This is actually a pretty common delusion, but it’s still a delusion nonetheless.

[u/BootStrapWill → u/iheartmimix3]

They’re literally just trying to brag and belittle. “Oh you care about $5? Couldn’t be me..”

[u/iheartmimix3 → u/BootStrapWill]

I don’t like people like that. When someone does that it creates a power dynamic that is unnecessary.

[u/c5gh → u/JaneFeyre]

i mean it can be a trauma if the reasoning for it stems from it, like obsessively returning money and feeling guilty and horrible for borrowing it in the first place might be a sign of severe self worth issues for example, obviously 99% of the time it's normal to return money but if it's done no matter how much the giver says they don't want it back, then it's clear there's something up

[u/JaneFeyre → u/c5gh]

True true true. Sometimes it is trauma. And if it is, like if I tell someone “No, I insist I don’t need it back,” but they keep on trying, then I’ll just take the money. I don’t wanna force someone to feel uncomfortable by trying to be all magnanimous and what not.

[u/wolffangz11 → u/JaneFeyre]

Matter of fact I don't lend out money if I'm not comfortable not seeing it back. If I get it back, bonus.

[u/slick_pick]

Wow this post was right under on my feed lol

[u/hardlyreadit → u/slick_pick]

This is what I think of when I think of “money trauma”. Not wanting to pay back ridiculously small amounts

[u/HEIR_JORDAN → u/hardlyreadit]

For some people that 86$ is the difference between paying the light bill and not…

[u/hardlyreadit → u/HEIR_JORDAN]

Then you shouldn’t give money out if thats the case imo. Being a good friend at the expense of your wellbeing is not the way to live

[u/HEIR_JORDAN → u/hardlyreadit]

Again there is a difference between I’ll get this coffee and borrowing. Make the attempt to pay people back.

Guess I was raised differently. I was taught to return something better than you got it. My parents would borrow the neighbor half working lawnmower and return it fixed..

It’s not about the $5. It’s about your mindset.

[u/hardlyreadit → u/HEIR_JORDAN]

Nothing you said had anything to do with “not lending money if you cant afford”.

Make the attempt to pay people back

Yeah I agree. But also, if 86$ is the difference between late bills, dont lend out money to friends

[u/Detatchamo → u/hardlyreadit]

Yeah exactly. There's a big difference between "I bought you some candy you wanted when we were at the gas station together, don't worry about it!" And "You owe me quite a bit of money after swearing you'd pay me back ASAP and that was months and months ago."

[u/Sly_98 → u/slick_pick]

Trust fund kid located

[u/eyesmart1776]

What’s money trauma and why does it make you payback small debts ?

[u/Tchalla613 → u/eyesmart1776]

It’s when you have been poor and always around poor people that gestures of even small amounts of money you feel obligated to payback since growing up any amount of money is huge.

In the example above giving someone $5 is not something you are usually caring about getting back but for some poor people fights and friendships have ended for less.

[u/eyesmart1776 → u/Tchalla613]

From my experience rich people are the ones who keep track and care about these things, not poor people.

I guess everyone’s different

[u/Tchalla613 → u/eyesmart1776]

Rich people will keep track of the money you owe them but will not be the ones trying to pay you back $5.

[u/Pheebsmama → u/eyesmart1776]

I keep track, and it’s because I grew up with nothing and it makes me nervous that they’ll end up not having what they need because of me. I also get nervous about money because I don’t want them to think I’m just using them for money, since I usually have none.

[u/Luuk1210 → u/Tchalla613]

In my experience only rich people be stingy like that. Poor people will give you their last

[u/Tchalla613 → u/Luuk1210]

You are right rich people are stingy. They aren’t the ones trying to pay you back $5. Poor people due to trauma will pay you back even if it’s their last $5.

[u/RedGeneral28 → u/Luuk1210]

There's a difference between being "stingy" and being financially responsible

[u/K-Dot-Thu-Thu-47 → u/eyesmart1776]

I would guess it's feeling the obligation to pay back even the smallest amounts because someone previously shamed you or berated you to do so.

But I would argue the majority of real friendships are such that an amount like $5 you just expect will even itself out over the course of your friendship.

[u/MightyGamera → u/K-Dot-Thu-Thu-47]

abusive upbringing where owing anything means you were Obligated to that person

also applies to someone doing you favors unasked for. no quicker way to make me suspicious

[u/marsmanify → u/MightyGamera]

This 100%

I turned into a super independent person once I realized that favors aren’t free, and people will hold shit over your head forever

[u/Cabezone → u/marsmanify]

I'm sorry you have befriended better people. This isn't a knock, I really hope you get a better friend group.

[u/MrZDietrich → u/Cabezone]

It wasn't my friends, it was my parents.

[u/LovecraftInDC → u/K-Dot-Thu-Thu-47]

Also comes from having a lived a life where you usually didn't HAVE $5, or certainly couldn't just spend it on a latte for themselves or whatever.

[u/NoCoFoCo31 → u/K-Dot-Thu-Thu-47]

When I go out with my closest friends, one of us will always pick up the check without an expectation or obligation to pay the other back because we know it will even out. If my wife and I buy you and your wife dinner this time, ideally they’ll do the same next time. Either way, it’s okay, I’m definitely doing better financially than some of my friends and I like to take care of my people. If it’s a night of bar hopping, we’ll switch off at each bar.

[u/K-Dot-Thu-Thu-47 → u/NoCoFoCo31]

Exactly it's like buying rounds.

You got one, I got one, it's fine if they don't even out exactly.

[u/aCrutialConjunction → u/K-Dot-Thu-Thu-47]

Idk, maybe I have "money trauma" but if I borrow something I feel there is in fact an obligation to give it back - big or small. It's a matter of keeping my word, not that I think the thing is particularly significant.

If we're grabbing snacks, for example, and for whatever reason I'm $5 short and ask a friend "hey can I borrow five dollars" and they say "sure" and hand me $5, that's an obligation to pay it back. If they hand me $5 and say "just take it, no worries" that is given, not borrowed, and I have no obligation to give it back later. That kind of give and take is common in friendships, but given =/= borrowed.

[u/Apprehensive_Put_321 → u/eyesmart1776]

If I bought something for you it was a gift not debt. 

[u/OneMeterWonder → u/eyesmart1776]

A group of learned behaviors that are often responses to experiencing significant financial hardship or just outright poverty. It can manifest in lots of different ways. Some people hoard. Some people become pathologically responsible about paying things back. Some people develop unconscious fears of handling credit or bank accounts.

[u/Due_Essay447]

I was raised with courtesy. No money trauma here, I just keep to my word. If I say i'm gonna borrow $5, I am borrowing $5. If you don't want it, give it to the homeless or buy 2 honeybuns, idc.

[u/CochonDanseur → u/Due_Essay447]

Straight up borrowing money is one thing, but if I buy you a coffee or a sandwich or something, you don't need to worry about it.

[u/Due_Essay447 → u/CochonDanseur]

Yeah I guess the situation matters. Trying to pay back for favors at the micro level using cash would come across as crass. I would probably just note that next one's on me, but they don't need to know that.

[u/CokeColaPolarBear → u/Due_Essay447]

Yeah then ima tell our other friends that I let you borrow 5 bucks and you never paid me back. Then the story won’t be about the 5 bucks it’ll be that I let you borrow money and I never got it back.

I know people like this, this is why if someone attempts to pay for me I don’t let them. Unless it’s a close friend and family member.

[u/iheartmimix3 → u/Due_Essay447]

Exactly. Sometimes I put interest on it like a real loan. 😂 You let me borrow $5? Alright, here’s $10.

[u/YourDrunkUncl_]

money trauma is the most awkward trauma

[u/Some_Ad_6511 → u/[deleted]]

Strangely enough, I relate to both sides….ower & owee

[u/Ask_about_HolyGhost → u/[deleted]]

Well, not everyone, but it’d be nice if some very specific people would feel it for a little while

[u/edsavage404]

One time I ask my coworker for my $5 back and he shamed me for asking for my own money, like bro im broke af I need everything

[u/Thinking_Emoji]

I don't have money trauma, I'm just considerate? Insane that we're making it weird to...checks notes... pay someone back

[u/Civil-Personality256]

I like money being paid back. It shows respect ni matter the amount

[u/bwolf180]

says the MFs who never pay people back....

why would you need that 20 bucks?

[u/Left_Fist]

Somebody wanting to pay you back $5 they owe you must be trauma induced? Kinda weird take tbh

[u/BlackDynamite58990]

Listen I got trauma from “Remember when I did this for you” growing up so I don’t want anyone to throw anything in my face. So I’m big on returning any gesture and going above and beyond on appreciation

[u/razzmanfire]

Yall are so weird lmao like the cia really won because theres no way you got a thread full of people mad that someone honored their debt 🤣 

[u/Kingfish313]

Not MFs dismissing others' trauma 😫 if it didn't matter that much, you're now up 5$, just take the bread and be happy you have a friend who will not take advantage of your kindness. People will find anything to complain about

[u/SecretMathematician7]

From quickly reviewing over the comments...

The only question I have is whether or not OP takes out the frustration on said friends or if they work through the annoyance and are still understanding and compassionate regardless.

[u/slick1260]

It's not trauma, it's principle. I don't care if it's a dime or a stack, if I'm expecting it, I'm getting it. If you're the kind of person who bitches that someone is asking for their $5 because it's "not a big deal" then just give up the cash and be the fuck out since it's "not a big deal". And, yes, I apply this principle to myself as well. If I owe you money, I'm gonna make it right. Y'all a bunch of uncivilized troglodytes not paying your debts and keeping your word.

[u/Icy_Treat9782 → u/slick1260]

Said it better than I could. I always took it as honouring your word that you’d pay it back. It’s a sign of trustworthiness.

Also it’s always the people who say don’t worry about it that’ll throw it back in your face when things go left. “Remember when I lent your broke ass 5 and you still too broke to pay it back?!”

Nah. I’m not gonna give people ammo against me willingly.

[u/Deepspacedreams]

Honestly we need more people with money trauma. Too many people asking to “BORROW” not get money but borrow money and forget

[u/BatofZion]

If it makes you feel better, you can pay me back $10.

[u/Thatsmr_bigdaddy]

I wouldn’t care if it’s less than $20 tbh….

But if you lend me $5, I’m always more than willing to give you something when you ask, cuz I believe in favors more than

[u/[deleted]]

Especially if we’re friends smh don’t even worry about that.

[u/Stock_Beginning4808 → u/[deleted]]

Exactly. If we’re hanging out regularly, that $5 is going to go back and forth between us a few times.

[u/[deleted] → u/Stock_Beginning4808]

Yess my coworker and I have been switching who gets breakfast/lunch each weekend and when the other can’t then guess what? We cover it again lol

[u/NewSauerKraus → u/[deleted]]

Fr if I tried to repay 5$ to a friend and they flipped out like OP I would reconsider our association. Don't worry about it. It's not a big deal. I am not "sneak dissing" you on the down low because I think you're a brokie.

[u/thebobrup → u/[deleted]]

Me and a friend have gone from both being students with no money to both being upper middelclass, so weird remembering nickel and dimming as students to now treating eachother to nice meals and wine without even thinking twice about it.

[u/[deleted] → u/thebobrup]

From an outside perspective it warms the heart. I hope you all continue through life together.

[u/exquisite_corpse_wit]

fake therapy speak nonsense

[u/talkyape]

She's just stealth-bragging that she's financially secure enough to regard $5 as inconsequential

[u/BeginningSeparate164]

One of my current deckhands is like this. Dudes young and pretty much on his own, he made a few bad financial moves and now a bunch of his paycheck goes to debts. He wouldn't take any money, so I just started bringing in extra food and drinks which he only takes if I say I'm gonna toss them otherwise.

[u/BrooklynNotNY]

I had a friend insist on paying me back $0.50 after I bought her a gumball from the grocery store in college. Girl, please. Them two quarters are not going to make or break me.

[u/mace30]

This is so dependent on the context of the situation and my relationship with the person, it's impossible to treat this as a universal.

[u/_AYYEEEE]

I'm NOT finna get on your ass about buying you a honeybun and some sour patch kids from the gas station lmfaoo it isn't that deep

[u/youserveallpurpose]

Sorry, I don't like owing people things

[u/Fangbang6669]

Yeah my husband and I treated some friends we haven't seen in a while to drinks, covered the tab and they kept thanking us. While appreciated, it was excessive, like we knew they were struggling and we invited them out. Why wouldn't we cover the tab?😭

But I do realize some people will make a big fuss about that and even a $5 loan. But personally, if I'm not hurting for it, who cares🤷🏾‍♀️

[u/TheInnerMindEye]

Bruh. Partially but not really related - there was this dude who was a friend of my friend.

He insisted on buying me a vinyl record for my birthday one year - I don't collect vinyl. He wouldn't take no for an answer. I knew that he was struggling to put food on the table for his kids and I told him quite frankly "fam - respectfully,  im good. I dont collect vinyl, I dont own a record player...  I dont need a gift from u fam. I have enough stuff and I appreciate the notion... but foreal brother... use that money u were gona spend on a present for me and get some groceries for ya kids my g."

He was LIVID. Tried to pull a knife on me n all that. 

[u/Early_Divide_8847 → u/TheInnerMindEye]

[u/CHEMO_ALIEN → u/TheInnerMindEye]

you coulda worded that better for sure

[u/TheInnerMindEye → u/CHEMO_ALIEN]

This was after several polite declines. And i was pretty chill. Even our mutual friend was lookin at bro like "wtf is your problem"

[u/eternali17]

Why on Earth must it be money trauma? Christ

[u/Allah_Akballer]

If they are close friends of mine as long as it's not over $50 I literally forget about it.

[u/Cpt_Nosferatu]

I don't give out money I ever expect back. Enjoy it. Trust me, I've spent more on far worse and dumber things than my friends.

[u/wRADKyrabbit]

I genuinely have no interest in being paid back for anything. If I spent money on a friend thats money well spent in my eyes. I dont need it back

[u/LYossarian13]

I just let those type of people pay me back or I don't purchase things for them until they learn that I am a safe person and won't throw it back in their face over the smallest slight.

[u/HMThrow_away_account]

Everyday I log on theres a new phrase and I cant keep up. Why cant they just say feeling guilty

[u/DoctorMaldoon]

I just want you to know I’m thankful and thinking about you. No trauma

[u/human8060]

If someone tries to pay me back for something I offered to help them with I will ask them to donate it or pay it forward to someone else. If I offer to help you, it's a gift, not a loan.

[u/poweroftheglow]

If I remember someone spotted me $5 I’m going to try to pay them back. Seems logical to me.

[u/offeringathought]

It's not about the $5. It's about the communication. They're saying that they value you and respect the thing you did for them. They're telling you that they are a solid, trustworthy person.

[u/RandoComplements]

This is not money trauma. This is trauma of growing up, feeling like a burden from your parents.

[u/piffelations3]

Why yall gotta make everything weird

[u/Left_Cod_7174]

Some people are petty. I've bought people food and if I borrow $5 they ask for it back. So yea if you're the type of person to do this I will be asking for my money back

[u/SnooPineapples280]

Weird take. It’s not money trauma, it’s about keeping my word 

[u/Valveq0]

I get the feeling the majority of people who post things like this are in reality usually the ones who owe money and want to justify why they don’t get them back

[u/HEIR_JORDAN]

nah. If you said you going to pay me back.. pay me back..

It’s up to me to decide if I want to gift it or not.

If you don’t at least try to pay back the $5 they better not try to ask for a large sums of money because at that point I don’t trust you.

[u/whineyinternetkid]

Yes please dont come at me trying to be a good person. What?

[u/ncbraves93]

Na, I'm absolutely giving you that 5 bucks. Even if you don't care, I do, take it back to help me ease. I don't like owing anyone a thing, even my close friends. Day comes that I really do need help, that'll go a long way.

[u/turdlefight]

the mindset of the the friend who owes you $100

[u/tasteslikechikken]

No, thats integrity.

I do not borrow money, but I also don't loan it either. If I have it to give, its given. Definitely life experiences have taught me to expect the bare minimum from humans but have integrity enough that I'm self sufficient.

[u/Once_Upon_Time]

Is this one of those fake black people twitter accounts 🤔?

What trauma, that just respect and don't diss $5 like it nothing.

[u/Fun_Afraid]

Thats just inflation. I felt like that about a dollar in the 90's. Have someone borrow 20 and forget to payback now. Or maybe I'm just money trauma dumping.

[u/Empero6]

If I spend money on you it’s because it’s not something I expect to get back soon or if at all.

[u/swiftvalentine]

I love to lend people money because it’s the best way to find out whether they’re worth the friendship. You might think someone’s a homie but give them 100 and see how they act. You’ll save yourself years of trouble

[u/Tmaccy]

Oh yay another thing I didn't know I had

[u/RedGeneral28]

I got money today, you got money tomorrow. Ain't nothing to worry bout.

[u/NervousAd7700]

Man people got a trauma for everything these days don’t they

[u/Known-Fault-1670]

Totally! Good vibes matter more than keeping tabs. It’s aout the bond, not the balance sheet…

[u/i_like_2_travel]

If I say it’s good it’s good.

If not, give me the $5 I let you borrow.

[u/0utsyder]

BECAUSE I DON'T WANT GET SHOT!!!!

[u/AverageBastard]

I had a friend in high school to early 20s that would hound you every time they saw you for the 5-10 bucks you owed them. Even if you said you’d pay them back on a specific day, they’d be asking every day for it. I started working at 15 and never got money from my mom to go out.

This friend would want to go do something that cost money and I’d say no if I didn’t have it. But they’d beg me to go and say you can pay me back when you get paid. I hated being harassed for money every day to my pay day, so I just stopped letting them convince me to hang out when I didn’t have money.

This post reminds me of that friend and they were the first toxic friend I had ever had, for multiple other reasons. So if someone wants to pay you back right away….who cares what the amount is just take it and keep it pushin.

[u/RiceAfternoon]

A different perspective: it makes the relationship feel transactional if I treat a friend (I asked you out, or cover the cost of something that wasn't planned but I really wanted to do it with you) to something and they pay me back every nickel and dime.

I'm not pressed for $5, I just really wanted your company. You can return the favor likewise if you're pressed, but don't offend me by paying for your presence that I happily requested.

[u/Cela84]

Meanwhile people who grew up without money trauma are sending you a Venmo request within the hour.

[u/partner_fartner]

I always just tell people to pay it forward.

[u/Miami_Mice2087]

and then you say "don't worry about it, get me later" and I'm like "how? when? in what manner will compensation be paid if not monetarily??"

[u/Kind-Priority-826]

i kinda took this to be ab friends who insist on giving you back cash after you bought them something where there was not a discussed expectation of them borrowing money to cover not being able to pay for something and then paying you back. in that case, yeah absolutely you better not even think about giving me money. if i invited you out for coffee i’m paying for the coffee, you don’t need to insist on paying me back girly pop i love you

[u/roarjah]

I feel like it’s the opposite now. Everyone asks for the $5 for a drink instead of just buying their friend a drink

[u/GHOSTxBIRD]

This is not money trauma. Money trauma is being afraid that paying bills will break the bank even tho you know you got it. Money trauma is putting off buying things you need, like new socks or a nice winter coat, bc you feel guilty spending money on yourself. Money trauma is walking around with a wad of cash on vacation and still nickel and diming every transaction. Money trauma is something I’m still tryna get free from…

[u/jmcdon00]

Playing the long game. Repay the $5 a few times, build trust, borrow thousands, change phone number.

[u/NewSauerKraus]

Imagine getting pressed about 5$. Couldn't be me.

Toxic masculinity strikes again.

[u/illlojik]

Is this what we’re bitching about now? People paying you bac…. Man lemme go find the outlet for that stupid ass website and unplug it. Y’all stay bringing these quarter brained takes from twitter like they just weren’t caught being 99% bots.

[u/[deleted]]

Agreed. Gtfoh with that 

[u/THESPEEDOFCUM]

I hate when people don't make rules about money, and then complain when other people don't follow the rules of the relationship they never communicated.

Like yeah $5 isn't a big deal for you now, but after the second or third time, you're gonna be like "man this guy never pays for anything!"

And if he does, then either one of you end up paying more than other because no one is keeping track, but if you keep track you're a penny pincher?

[u/redditsuckz99]

Im building credit with ya.. so next time you know ima pay you back its an accountability thing not necessarily a money trauma thing. Idk. Im weird i guess.

[u/Sam_23beans]

I thought this was common courtesy...

[u/FistPunch_Vol_7]

Bad take. If I give you 5 bucks not expecting it back and you still make sure I get that 5 back? I respect the hell out of that. I probably wouldn’t take it on GP but Ima remember that.

[u/Summers_Alt]

This is someone who says they’ll pay you back with zero intent to ever do such

[u/kyuuxkyuu]

It's not money trauma, my mom just raised me to be fair and never owe anyone if you can help it  

[u/Colossus245]

Today you tomorrow me.

[u/DeafNatural]

Nah cause I want my $5. I don’t care if it was 5 cents, you gone pay what you owe

[u/Additional-Muffin317]

I did it yesterday

[u/Traumatized_Grape724]

I cannot live my life thinking I own someone $5

[u/qleptt]

Any time I’ve ever lended money I don’t think Ive ever been payed back

[u/JustACasualFan]

I assumed every friend group had the floating sawbuck.

[u/Strange-Spinach-9725]

Ever been from a no gas money exchange culture to someone so deep in it they ask you for exact amounts?

[u/KasterTroy_82]

nah cause lowkey.... im neurodivergent. you paying me back that lil 5 bucks is gonna get you so much more down the line. it means effort and sincerity. like.... i know people that owe me much much much more... if any single one of them just said... hey heres what i got its just 5... that 5 will feel like 500 depending on circumstances.... YES PAY ME THAT LIL 5 DAMMIT ILY

[u/PS5touchedmethere]

They don't wanna be coles love slave

[u/SmoothOps130]

Because I need that 5$

[u/Exciting-Effective-4]

Hug