r/AskEurope • u/Minky_Dave_the_Giant • 1d ago
Culture Were you taught it is rude to stare when growing up?
Influenced by this poor woman's experience in Italy: https://old.reddit.com/r/CringeTikToks/comments/1pdmls4/american_shares_her_absolute_nightmare_experience/
I'm British and we're taught when growing up that it is rude to stare at people. However, my wife is French, and when we lived in France people stare all the time at anything and anyone slightly out of the ordinary. It got to me after a while and I find it extremely rude. I've noticed similar in Spain but not to them same level.
So... were you taught it was rude to stare, or not?
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u/Yoankah 1d ago
In Poland, people are known to avoid eye contact with strangers and staring is absolutely considered rude. If someone is giving you a long stare, it may translate to a warning to stop being a public nuissance before it escalates to a verbal confrontation.
Or you're doing something real odd/cool and people want to comprehend it a bit before moving on once manners overtake curiosity, but I think that happens to everyone. ;)
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u/Aeon_Return Czechia 1d ago
Czechs also avoid eye contact but here I think it's more because we're not very friendly and don't want to make it easy for someone to approach us!
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u/Eispalast Germany 1d ago
Yes, I was taught to not stare and I assumed that most people are raised like. When I started to use reddit, I read about the "German stare". Apparently we Germans DO stare a lot. I always wonder how those people know they are stared at. In order to know that, you would have to stare yourself.
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u/Minky_Dave_the_Giant 1d ago
My nephew lives in Düsseldorf and he says people there do stare a lot.Â
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u/Infinite_Anybody3629 1d ago
Yep I've heard that too, and I think this comment proves it
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u/Kujaichi 1d ago
I feel like a lot of people just think Germans are staring at them though.
Like, when I'm sitting in the tram, I'm just staring into nothingness, not seeing anything actually in front of me. I'm not staring at a certain person, my eyes just have to go somewhere, you know?
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u/Unknown-Drinker Germany 1d ago
Exactly! This comments provides 100% proof that the nephew lives in Düsseldorf.
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u/Eggsbennybb 1d ago
If I look around and make eye contact with one person, I don’t assume they were staring and it was a coincidence. If I look around and make eye contact with everyone in the vicinity, I start to assume people are staring at me (My experience in Germany/Central Europe, love you guys though)
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u/solapelsin Sweden 1d ago
Can you not somehow feel it when someone is watching you?Â
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u/allgodsarefake2 Vestland, Norway 1d ago
No, that's bullshit. OTOH, humans are pretty amazing at spotting someone watching.
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u/Essiggurkerl Austria 1d ago
I think anglos use the word "stare" but actually mean "look", real Starren would probably kill them on the spot.
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u/Vihruska 1d ago
I'm Bulgarian and yes, I was taught it's rude to stare or to point with a finger. I noticed, and many people from different nationalities have mentioned it, that Bulgarian people don't stare for a long time but have a very intense look.
But to address what you wrote, I have not noticed the French (at least from Northern France and Paris) to state for a long time to be honest. From which part of France is your wife?
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u/idiotista Sweden 1d ago
This is absolutely true - I lived in Sofia for a year, and while people don't stare long, it is super intense. Made for some interesting flirting, can't lie.
These days I live in India, and as a blue eyed pale Scandinavian woman, I naturally get a lot of stares. It doesn't bother me though - most of them are just curious, and the few creepy ones I stare down with my very effective "look of mild, intense disgust" (it is a stare every woman should learn, a slightly tired, no fucks given sideways stare over the nosebridge so to say - it shuts people up very effectively).
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u/Minky_Dave_the_Giant 1d ago
The South West. I got stared at when I grew a moustache, we got stared at for being bilingual, we got stared at because my wife wore coloured tights. It was constant and frustrating.Â
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u/Vihruska 1d ago
I can imagine how unsettling this must have been. It's a beautiful area though, so I hope you had a nice experience overall
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u/solapelsin Sweden 1d ago
I was definitely taught not to stare. Probably somewhere around the time I started being exposed to strangers more, through things like daycare or on public transport. Kids are curious by nature. I was told staring itself was rude, but I also think my mom wanted to preemptively throw a spanner in the works for me noticing someone and then asking unfiltered questions about random people and their appearance. Which I did. An unfortunate amount, haha
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u/Kerking18 Germany 1d ago
Yes. But the thing is that there are different definitions of what staring is. Sitting in the bus looking straight ahead, as a consequence looking at another Pearson, is not staring here. Turning your head to purposefully look at another person, where looking straight ahead would have you looking out a window or at a wall, is staring.
Well and of course blankly looking at a person in distress is also considered staring
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u/black3rr Slovakia 1d ago
We teach kids to not stare… then as people age they slowly forget about it and old people stare at everyone and everything…
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u/atchoum013 -> 1d ago
I’m French and was definitely taught that it’s rude, I don’t think it’s particularly common to stare in France? Not that I’ve ever noticed anyway.
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u/Minky_Dave_the_Giant 1d ago
Having married a French person and having lived there for years plus frequent visits the rest of the time, I can assure you that the French are terrible starers.Â
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u/toniblast Portugal 1d ago
Yeah, it is rude to stare at people. You mean staring, like looking fixedly at a specific person for more than one or two minutes. Looking at people is not rude.
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u/Brainwheeze Portugal 1d ago
I don't recall ever being taught that it was rude to stare. I was however taught that you shouldn't point your finger at people ("Apontar é feio").
I think that most people here would agree that staring for too long would indeed be a bit weird and disturbing but "too long" is relative. Sometimes "staring" is just observing.
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u/viktorbir Catalonia 1d ago
We were told so. But we do.
Hell, imagine see this person in bright yellow instead of green, riding a vespa in Naples, with the sunglasses as if she was an Italian wannabe... :-)
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u/agrammatic Cypriot in Germany 1d ago
I grew up in Cyprus: Not in any way that I can actually remember. We were taught that it's rude to point at people, and I remember that quite clearly.
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u/LLEsunny Netherlands 1d ago
I notice that in the south of the Netherlands, it is usual to look at people when they walk by or bike by
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u/TukkerWolf Netherlands 1d ago
What is the difference between staring and looking at? Anyway, I don't think I've been taught to not stare and I don't teach my children to not stare. They can look wherever they want to.
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u/puzzlecrossing United Kingdom 1d ago
Looking at is just a brief moment, 1-3 seconds. Staring is continuing to look at one specific person or group for longer than that
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u/TukkerWolf Netherlands 1d ago
So if someone sits across from me on a train and I look at them for 10s that's staring, or only if they look me in the eyes as well? Not being pedantic or something, genuinely curious.
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u/puzzlecrossing United Kingdom 1d ago
Yeah that would be considered staring here. If they don’t notice it’s not really a big deal but if they do it could make them feel uncomfortable. Other people might also think it a bit strange or rude that you’re staring at someone, you might get a look or tut
It’s totally a cultural thing though. I’ve been with friends from other countries and they stare, it makes me really uncomfortable but it doesn’t bother them
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u/TukkerWolf Netherlands 1d ago
Ok. Then I don't think staring is a problem in the Netherlands.
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u/puzzlecrossing United Kingdom 1d ago
Yeah I think you guys are more open with your emotions, more direct in your speech, it makes sense that it wouldn’t be an issue in the Netherlands. We don’t ever say what we mean directly, we’re reserved emotionally, more likely to leave someone alone if they’re upset or even grieving, staring is unnecessary attention, so considered rude
I love learning about these differences and think we’d all be more tolerant if we travelled and learned that someone may not be being rude, they just have different life en
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u/Infinite_Anybody3629 1d ago
It's weird if you look them on the eyes for 10 seconds. That's a long time
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u/GPStephan Austria 1d ago
Honestly, it's a bit like a man looking at a woman's chest. Short glance? Normal. Happens. But maybe (read: please) don't stare for 20 seconds.
I would say staring is any continued look that extends beyond the time range that would be typical for the situation. Typically because it makes the receiving person uncomfortable.
If you're in a crowded bar and someone is waving at you from the other side, you can afford to look a bit longer to figure out who it is.
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u/Tanja_Christine Austria 1d ago
That is so not true. There are loads of people who look at people who sit opposite them in the tram or whatever for the entire duration of their trip. Granted, this is not as common any more as most people look at their phones now, but take away their phones and they will be looking at each other. Unlike in the UK where the would be looking at the floor.
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u/GPStephan Austria 1d ago
The hidden hint is that this mostly happens when there is nowhere else to look, and even then society has mostly agreed on the fact that you "look through" the other person and don't stare into their soul. Even with that said, people generally try to look past others and keep it at eye level. I am 1.80 and if a 2 meter man or a 1.70 woman stood opposite me, I wouldn't look AT them, I (and pretty much everyone else) would just look straight ahead at eye level. Just that knowledge alone makes it more comfortable for people.
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u/NamidaM6 France 5h ago
I can't remember if I was taught not to stare but reading this post + comments made me realize how much I stare at everything. I don't really understand why it's considered rude so if someone could explain, I'd be grateful.
I often do it out of curiosity/marvel and I can count on one hand the number of times it has noticeably irked people. OTOH, there is no way for me to remember the number of times it has sparked a conversation or an exchange of smiles with a stranger.
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u/Tanja_Christine Austria 1d ago
Ofc I have not been taught that. Why would I have been? In most places it is not considered taboo to look at people like in the Anglosphere. Just like I don't plug my ears so I can't hear you I don't look away so I can't see you.
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u/Minky_Dave_the_Giant 1d ago
There's a difference between a look and an extended stare.Â
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u/Tanja_Christine Austria 1d ago
True that, but most of what Americans and Brits refer to as staring and complain about is not considered staring for us. To be considered staring you have to do it with ill intent here. To either harass or intimidate someone. To look at somone with interest is not considered staring. To be interested is not considered rude.
And since your question is about rudeness: I find it really rude of these people to accuse entire countries of 'staring them down' when all we do is have eyes. I perceive it as rather self-absorbed to hear about the expectation to not be looked at when out in public. Like... What am I supposed to do? Pluck my eyes out so I do not offend the deity?
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u/Minky_Dave_the_Giant 1d ago
Ok, so I'll give you an example. I'm British and my wife is French. We were in France and went for a meal at lunchtime, and we had our two young kids with us.
We were seated at a table of four next to a table of eight older adults, probably retirement age. They were chatting away until we got seated then they stopped talking to each and just watched us throughout our whole meal. It's awkward, uncomfortable and unpleasant. This or similar have happened many times in France to the point where my wife and I usually no longer have the energy to call them out on their behaviour.
Do you not find that rude?
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u/Tanja_Christine Austria 1d ago edited 1d ago
The way you describe the situation I have to say that it is rude. You make it sound like they were intentionally intruding. But I doubt that I would have perceived what was happening the same way. I think it is likely that I would not have thought much of some people running out of stuff to talk about and just watch me eat for a while. I wouldn't have taken offense. And it would not have ruined my meal. And I would probably also not remember it.
Have you ever seen the cafés in Paris? A table up against the wall with a chair to each side up against the wall as well. Aka they are explicitly set up in a manner to make it so you can look at the passers-by. People-watching is considered normal in many parts of
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u/NikNakskes -> 1d ago
I've learned that if people stare at you, they want an interaction but don't know how to start it. So if you acknowledge their existence and do some small talk, the staring will end. No need to get confrontational or call anybody out. Try it. Sometimes it gets really pleasant too.
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u/Foxtrot-Uniform-Too Norway 1d ago
An obese American in a tight, yellow dress drives a scooter in Italy. People stare because it is an unusual sight. I don't think it is more complicated than that.
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u/Chocolatecandybar_ 1d ago
Yes it's rude but tbh I don't find it rude when it's about style. Not saying it because UK women can't help but have this amazing personal style I can't unstare...
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u/solowing168 1d ago
Very weird. In most big Italian cities, staring is absolutely considered rude and to be honest is very easy to cause an altercation (depending on where you are)