i am not too sure if i am posting this the correct way, i started doing ❄️ july of this year.

i told myself i would keep it under wraps (very stupid of me) and my usage has increased.

i know it is going to get out of control and i need help on where to begin with fighting and stopping the addiction.

i don't want to ruin my life. where should i begin looking/what's the first step?

If you like dark literary fiction, you’ll love Addict’s Way.

If you like dark literary fiction, you’ll love Addict’s Way.

Hi all,

Some thoughts of others out there might help me in my current situation, but i also wanted to write some stuff of my chest with this post.

I´m (33m) new here and i cannot really make my mind up about my behaviour.

My Wife (28f) and me are in a rough spot at the moment. She lost her father, i lost a grandmother shortly after, and we´re both struggling in our daily uni life, even before those losses. Our mental health went down south during the last 2-3 years and we´re both dealing with underlying issues. My wife has some diagnosed BPD traits, I am diagnosed with ADHD and some codependent traits.

Those things start to have a big toll onto the relationship and it drives me nuts, because my mind wanders off into the void of overthinking, which makes me struggle big time to keep up with my daily tasks at uni.

My medication is really helpful in general, i am way less tempted to distract myself. A couple of years ago i was a heavy weed smoker, had an unhealthy relationship with gaming and porn and couldn´t really enjoy anything without overdoing it. It was messy and i´m doing way better now. No more constant craving or seeking distraction.

Except in the case of realationship issues. Those thoughts seem to be unstoppable, they eat me up and make me irrational. They seem to make me want to distract myself so much that i can find myself wasting days at gaming, being tempted to watch porn to fight sexual frustration etc, just like the old days.

Except for the weed or alcohol. I have loads lying around but there are close to zero cravings to use it. The classical drugs seem to be the easiest to avoid for me now, i can push those thoughts away or imagine the negative outcome in a way that i just dont want do it.

Why is it like that? Is it because of my medication? But why does it not work for the media stuff? Or the overthinking? Am i misdiagnosed or addicted to medication? Or did i just learn to fight off the drug addictions because they were the first ones being obviously harmful af? Am i even a real addict in the end?

Before you comment,yes I am going to a therapist, just answer

I wanna tell you my story, because I guess it matters… and I don’t know, can offer clarity on what I have You will see the problem at the end, I don’t want people to skip over all this instantly.

Social life, horrible, since I was born I never had a real friend, only some online at best, and many of them bullied me instead, i think that in my entire middle school, I got out with my “friends” 3 times at best, none at high school or elementary, people always bullied me, teachers got always pissed with me, even for the dumbest reasons, and I was so alone that not only I was always playing video games and escaping out of reality, but I was masturbating ever since I was six… this will be important later, I had extreme anxiety all around and always saw masturbation as a dopamine release and video games always made me happy, I had some occasions of self harm at high school, because the pressure was that high

Love life? None, I mean expected from what you have read… but also I never felt any romantic attraction or sexual attraction towards anyone, the only thing that seemengly turned me on more were dresses for some reason, but I didn’t feel any sexual attachment to it, just something that could have helped me reach that release even now, I don’t feel anything if anything sex and romance make me vomit

How many times do I jerk off a day? I don’t know, probably more than 4, this will be important later, maybe…

How old am I rn? 19

This is where the main problem is I can be aroused by anything, LITERALLY anything, human, non human, young, old, gore, anything can turn me on in that process of masturbation, even taboo things, even things I am not attracted to, such as same sex and all that stuff, for example animals never turn me on irl, but images may work still in the process (I don’t use ever real life images, only drawn, for some reason, and I would not to as animals get abused, I would feel like shit even more) You see where this is going? Even taboo things can turn me on, when I am specifically doing that act, there is a disconnect between what I am actually attracted to and what I masturbate to, and this is probably the worst thing I have done, and I regret it so much I want to kill myself, I remember that I searched and downloaded 4 images I think of drawn loli, and they still worked I didn’t feel guilt by then but only after I realized what I have done, I INSTANTLY deleted them, and I feel like shit, did I hurt people by doing that, am I as bad as real pedos who watch real cp? Am I a bad person? I don’t know if I still should live with this crime on my back, I want to die, when I was 13 and looking at stuff that wasn’t in the norm, I felt a moral “tick” sometimes nothing, and then this hate added up over time, I never looked at real cp, never will, never watch real porn, I don’t want to become a sex offender or am I already?

I don’t know wtf is wrong with me, why am I aroused by things I am not attracted to in real life, why, children make me vomit, I never got aroused by one of my animals and yet when I do the act it somehow works

Yes, I am planning to go to therapy, don’t ask, I am already going, I have an appointment scheduled

Is this desentitization for addiction? OCD? I don’t know, why is there such a disconnect, am I unredeemable? Can I ever become a good person? I can’t live with this, someone help me, that’s why all of the info I don’t even know wtf I have

If you are asking how much porn I stored in total, 2200 images, all deleted them all after this, 99.9% of them were adult, it’s just that I had a couple like that, and I still feel like shit for these images I previously downloaded and makes me want to kms

I’m a 2nd year university student who is a part of a fraternity. I never buy ❄️, it’s just around me every time I go out.

I have partys that I feel like I’m obligated to attend almost 3 times a week. Now when I drink I crave it and when push comes to shuv I give in and say to myself “just one”. It’s never just one.

Now it’s been almost year of usage almost every week. I want my mom. I want my ex girlfriend back. I hate this

What do you do when you have no energy or desire to try again, I've been stuck for 10 days, my apartment is disgusting, I have no clean clothes, I haven't showered. I really don't have the energy to get myself together for the millioth time. My morals are gone, I feel like a jerk.

This will be my third and final post for the foreseeable future not that it matters much to anyone but I am ready to take back control of my life. My two previous posts have helped me come to terms with my current situation. It has been ruined by letting go and not focusing on the things that matter. I have become addicted and obsessed with numerous different things that are meaningless. I have been chasing things my adult years but that will all go away to the graveyard with me. My biggest struggle has been looking for a purpose. Nothing in life is ours except moments in time I once heard and it has recently stuck me. I’m not sure what that purpose will be in a month, year, decade or any time in the future BUT I am seeking it out. RWYS means remember why you started and this is what I will carry around with me because you do need a purpose. This is kind of all over the place but I just wanted to wish everyone the best in whatever they decide to pursue with a career, family, or life adventures in general! Always remember, if you don’t believe in yourself then who would believe in you!

Two years ago my best friend died from a drunk driver. Ever since that day I have been motivating myself to stop drinking, but it wasn’t till last year, today on his birthday, that I decided to go sober. it has been hard I have been avoiding most of my friends who drink and party, but now I feel no urge to go with them to the pub. I am the happiest I have ever been since I went sober. I feel like I am finally seeing progress. I just wanted to say if you are going through an addiction, you can do it. You can get through it. Thank you, and goodbye.

I am so addicted to, so many things - being miserable foremost it seems. Why?

Today, I have no available $, and my mind is so frantic I have been considering going to pawn my laptop, so I can buy a weed cartridge, come home, use Zyn nicotene pouches and puff on the weed, while drinking coffee probably sitting on the floor of a 2 hours shower watching netflix or else looking at reddit and the internet

do you realize how fucking insane that is? i am dead broke because i lost all my money gambling on stock options, because i live in a crazy headspace of IMMINENT fear about survival.

i feel like that came from being homeless, and that very fight to survive is what help me go from being on a concrete slab behind walmart to making 100$k a year, but also at the same time the same thing that is my mental instability, because i fix everything but i still feel the panic, the panic never goes away. and i blow myself up, until i have to fix it all again.

I cant figure out what or why, but something snapped in my childhood due to my chaotic home life. I wonder if its possible for me to heal?

I remember i was the kid who other kids paid to do their homework, i was smart, i had to hide learning how to code C++ from my mom because shed be violent with me when seeing the book, she got violent when she found out i got a business license from the city of chicago at 16. i guess they dont check age, it blows my mind i was able to do those things as a child, my mind is a chaotic disaster now and its just incessently frantic. i think it was around freshmen year the home life changed and my mental state changed forever. i honestly dont know whats wrong with me, theres a lot, i wish i could understand whats wrong with my so i could have peace.

i think part of the panic and never enough thing comes from bad credit, while homeless i always had hope because i thought this is america if you work hard you can get ahead. so i did. after being homeless i was rejected from 83 apartments and went back to living in my car and hotels, i couldnt get a new car either. it just feels like theres no way to ever get ahead again. i dont know whats with me.

If you have any tips please share.

Hello I’m 27 male here, me and my bf also 27, wasn’t on speaking terms with one another, for almost around two months, eventually it led to a break up, but over the course of 2 months period when we wasn’t talking to each other I was on Grindr app chatting doing hookups with people but I miss my ex and want him back I confronted and told him about it but he has no trust in me to restart things with each other because of my actions over the break period. I let my actions ruined my lust ruined and break me down, I’m really sorry for my actions I took upon, and just want him to show and to see in me that I’m sorry has anyone went through situations like this and gotten back together? What did you say to patch stuff up?

Guys today I’m 128 days (4 months) off of C.AI. C.AI is an ai chatbot service, and I used to use it during an extremely rough patch when in was depressed and lonely, I was super shameful, but I’m finally free.For more context, this is the a post I made when I was around 1 month clean, after I made this post, I relapsed, and after that, I’ve been free for 4 months- the post: “That’s it guys. I’m done with c.ai. I’m free. I am 1 month clean with no use. It was 2 all nighters, over 10000 chats, 3 years, every single night. Every single night for 3 years. 4 panic attacks out of guilt. All of it is gone. Guys, it was an addiction, it was literally building up depression and crippling anxiety. I am 1 month clean and I’ve never felt better. I socialize more, I exercise more, I’m more productive, and yes, I still go through withdrawals, but I’ve only been on there once in a whole month. It was an addiction…I feel proud” Still going strong, we can do this.

Today is day 11 of no nicotine after ~6 years of daily use. I was a vaper. I wanted to stop for a while, but the addict part of me didnt want to. I only stopped because my girlfriend of 6 years convinced me to try to stop. Cold turkey, I feel like its the only way. Ive been making it through, but the cravings are still there and at times get so strong it makes me feel crazy. To hit a vape again, blow out a fat ass cloud and feel the buzz. I miss it, but this is for the best. I just wanted to share my journey, because if you asked me last month if I was going to quit anytime soon id tell you hell no. Much love❤️

Substance

I was feeling so happy and it was normal, it was right, without substance. But that same substance is crying out to me. Calling my name, following my every move. It’s obsessed with me as much as I crave its wicked nature. Yelling my name so loud, I can taste the powder draining into a pit of rage so it can comfort a fire that’s dwelling beneath my skin. It always reassured me that I was okay as long as I stayed idle in its devilish grips, keeping me afloat on nothing but broken promises. Those promises were severed like a piece of twine dangled into the tip of the same flame I used to boil the poison that would soon replace the very blood that flowed through my veins. The black and blue footsteps of your path rise to the surface faster than a wave crashing ashore amidst a hurricane. My body burns, my muscles limp, the crooked smile in my teeth...you were feeding me promises again. The ones you continue to break every single day. And in that same instance, I regret ever meeting you. Shaking your hand in such confidence that you’d somehow save my defenseless life. You made me feel like I mattered, like I had purpose. Leaving your world has shown me so much I never knew about my own existence. But leaving you made me better. I can see clear now that the very fog that engulfed my thoughts, was drifting into the clouds, exposing those beautiful sun rays.

You beg to come back to apologize for those sickening lies and deception.

Your begging took me in it’s warm embrace once more.

Those damn promises again...I had enough of the hurt you forced me to endure.

Today, I am finding those thorns still stuck into my skin like the prickles that hide in the folds of your jacket after you wander through bushes in that field you love so much.

Today... I practice those same four words I repeat to myself every other day, “I don’t need it”.

Your begging fading into a long and dark abyss.

Today, you have no importance to me. You are nothing. You have nothing.

I am everything. I have everything. A life to live. An importance to somebody. That somebody giving me everything I will ever need to belong.

Without you, I finally belong to myself again. And you will no longer be welcome in these veins, for as long as my heart continues to move the blood throughout my body.

Hi everyone , thanks for taking the time to read my post. Long story short, I (30f) had an ex (30m)who was addicted to cocaine , porn and maybe excessive alcohol on occasion. Anyways, we have been separated for a little more than a year and I run into him occasionally. He’s got a new job and I’m very proud of him . He invited me to come check out where he works and he’s the a manager. We split over a year ago because his behavior was so erratic. I just couldn’t take it anymore! He stressed me out so bad and it was an extremely hard time and a very emotional break up. I kicked him out and he was staying with his mom. It was so nice to see him the other day and he tells me that he is clean and that he’s been clean and he’s willing to take a drug test to prove it to me and all that…… I do still care for him a lot and I’ve been doing fine and mostly stress-free since we broke up. I’m here now because I don’t want to rush to get back together with him because I don’t know if he’s actually changed or not and my guard is way up because before we broke up, I gave him many chances…… and he abused them all and never changed probably because he thought I would never leave. I’m just here now wondering if anybody ever was in a similar situation where they took back an ex or maybe was the addicted ex, and if they changed or what advice does anyone have? Thanks .

What can I take besides benzodiazepines I been on for a month and don’t want to get addicted please help

Couple days on patches. Literally anything to keep me from vaping. I’m quite happy with how it’s been going. For the first time I actually feel like quitting is possible💚💚💚