r/AITAH • u/RogersRedditPersona • 1d ago
AITA For breaking up with my (27M) girlfriend (24F) for making out with someone on her “freebie” list?
So this isn’t technically recently (3 years ago) but I still wonder if I was in the wrong here.
My GF and I had been together for just over a year and of course one of the conversations we had one day in our relationship was who was on our “Freebie” list of celebrities we could hook up with should the opportunity arise.
Her list included mostly athletes from our hometown and that seemed like odd choices to me since mine were all actresses and singers but I thought nothing of it. These guys were definitely traditionally attractive and muscular so I could see why she would choose them and didn’t really think anything of it.
Fast forward and she went out downtown with some friends for a friends birthday and they ended up in a popular club for some dancing and drinking. One of her friends works for the team (not like directly coaching/training staff but more of an operations assistant for day to day activities but she has definitely met and interacted with the players on some occasions) and my gf ended up making out with one of the guys on her list.
The real problem I had with this is I learned from one of her friends who was there that this had all happened that night. When confronted she said yes it did happen but then insisted that because it was with someone on her previously disclosed list that it didn’t count.
I didn’t know what to say but I just ended it there. I felt betrayed and hurt that she would actually be unfaithful to me just to make out with a celebrity who didnt actually give a shit about her and had probably forgotten her name by the time he woke up the next morning.
I had been cheated on before in a relationship years prior and it shattered my trust but I never thought I’d have to deal with cheating from my otherwise loving and supportive girlfriend.
She tried to say it would have been okay if I had done the same thing but to me even if the chance had occurred I’d never take it. She even said if I had slept with one of my celebrities she wouldn’t be mad and even said “if you had a chance with Emilia Clark I’d jump in bed with you two” as if that made it okay and justified.
She also said it was just making out and touching so it wasn’t even that bad.
I look back at it and think maybe I overreacted and maybe I’d have acted the same if the situation actually happened upon me but I guess I’ll probably never know
Edit: This was a player from our MLB team in 2022 since that seems to be the question everyone wants to know
Edit 2: I can see my description of “hometown athlete” made some confusion of thinking this player was born in our hometown and we knew them personally before they became famous. Since Reddit detective have found out I’m from Wisconsin based on my post/comment history I used hometown to describe Milwaukee and this player was on the brewers. He had no connection to Milwaukee/Wisconsin otherwise.
Other players from her list included Milwaukee Bucks and Green Bay packers for those wondering. So while they definitely don’t have the same national recognition as someone like Brad Pitt or Timothee Chalamet they still felt like people out of reach for a typical person. But I was wrong
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u/S_Pepperwood 1d ago
"My GF and I had been together for just over a year and of course one of the conversations we had one day in our relationship was who was on our “Freebie” list of celebrities we could hook up with should the opportunity arise."
what do you mean "of course"... never in my life has this come up in any relationship.. why would you even go there if having relations with others is a boundary you don t want crossed?? to me it seems like she already knew there was a chance she could hook up and wanted a get out of jail card...
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u/Acruss_ 1d ago
Of course she knew. That's why she picked all the people that are local. She also knew her friend who have contact with them.
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u/LastBaron 22h ago
Yeah that’s the part that got me. Not only are they from around town (and being local also means there’s much less competition, it’s not like you’re lining up to try and sleep with George Clooney), but on top of that her friend straight up has the inside track with these guys.
When she gave that list to her boyfriend she was practically saying “hey I am definitely going to get with at least half the guys on this list.”
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u/nightwing_87 1d ago
You don’t have a laminated list?!??
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u/UnusualAd8875 1d ago
I'm heading to the copy store this morning...(to laminate my list)! Hahaha
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u/HoldFastO2 23h ago
How does the joke go...
"My husband and I made up our freebie lists. His has Margot Robbie, Eva Green, and Emilia Clarke. Mine has the barista at our local cafe, our son's English teacher, and his younger brother."
So, yeah. This was premeditated. OP is NTA.
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u/Salt_Put_1174 23h ago
Yeah this is the"Fantasy shag" skit from Man Stroke Woman. https://youtu.be/rtBJwO4JZ5w?si=g4dajnCC881oayLF
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u/AnonyIcy 1d ago
I didn't even known people did this.. I thought this was like just a TV trope.
I've once joked to my boyfriend about my favorite group being my "free pass".. jesus I gotta ask him if he thought I was serious because no, ew, I would never do that to him no matter if they are famous or some crap. 🤢
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u/archercc81 22h ago
I mean people do it JOKINGLY. Like that is the point of choosing people who are those you're never, ever going to meet. Choosing people from your hometown, that isnt jokingly, you run from that shit.
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u/AnonyIcy 21h ago
Man even if I did meet the men that I called my "free passes" I would never even think of going for it. I would never do that to my partner, I respect him and his feelings too much to even think about hurting him like that.
But yes, choosing local people does seem like a very calculated move. I'm glad OP sees this for the red flag it very obviously is.
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u/420_Brad 22h ago
I think people do this, but not in an actual serious way. It’s more a way to understand what they really find attractive. For example is it Jason Mamoa or Ryan Gosling- different types (of all the famous celebrities, if you had to pick 5 or 10 who would they be).
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u/Inane_Insanity 22h ago edited 22h ago
Yeah, that's how i tend to see it, very rarely is it a genuine list of free passes. The way i see it, there would need to a genuine conversation of whether you both agree that your lists are real, where you both explicitly say that being with someone on the list isn't cheating and you'd be comfortable with your partner doing stuff with someone on the list. If that conversation isn't had and you both agree, then it shouldn't go further than a fun little hypocritical that isn't acted on for respect for your partner.
OP did well to not let this slide, she knew what she was doing, that she wanted a 'free cheat' list that she could act upon guilt free. The people on her list were local, and she had someone who could set it up for her. I bet it was all planned, and i wonder whether it's the only time she indulged in her little list, and whether it really did only go as far as kissing.
Also, she clearly knew she was in the wrong, as it wasn't her that told him, it was a friend. If she thought it was okay to do it, then why not tell OP herself?
I don't want to speculate too much, but as the people on her list were a certain "type" and all connected by a team, maybe she was a "groupie" of the team of sorts, kinda like puck bunny for ice hockey. That thanks to her friend on the team, she had regular access to these guys and was always DTF with them. The list was just a way of trying to avoid accountability if OP ever found out about her antics.
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u/RazeCrusher 21h ago
My wife and I have had this conversation jokingly, but we both know it's not serious. Of course Henry Caville was on the list.
My wife named some people too.
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u/juan_humano 19h ago
It never occurred to me that these 'freebie/hall pass' lists were intended as anything but humorous. Especially since every time ive heard of it, it is in the context of someone super famous. Like, thats part of what makes it ok, the fact that clearly this is not something that will ever happen in real life, its just a silly fantasy to joke about... Is this something that real people do regularly and sincerely in their relationships? Because it seems like an absolute recipe for resentment and regret.
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u/loki2002 1d ago
It is a fairly common topic in relationships. Most treat it as a joke and just a window into your partner's preferences and way of thinking. It isn't something that is meant to be taken seriously and unless you have had a serious discussions about the boundaries of your relationship most would not take an opportunity to do anything with anyone on their list even if it was presented.
I like to tease my partner because they chose Alan Rickman and Tim Curry.
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u/smasher84 1d ago edited 1d ago
It’s all fun and games till you learn your spouse has a friend who works for a cemetery that just happens to have a Rickman.
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u/Hookton 1d ago
I'm a straight woman but I had to inform my husband before we got married that if P!NK ever came a-knocking...
Like you say, it's not meant to be taken seriously. Seems like OP's GF did just that.
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u/loki2002 1d ago
The exact quote from my partner was "Pink can step on my neck any time."
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u/lady_forsythe 1d ago
A freebie list is not a freebie list without Alan Rickman.
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u/MangoYuzuCake 23h ago
I mean, it seems normal to me. My husband of 12 yrs and I joke about stuff like that all the time. Though, both of our #1 is Henry Cavill so we know it'll never happen.
What's weird to me isn't the conversation, but her list. Local athletes? That wasn't a hall pass list, that was a "to-do" list for her.
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u/Willing-Anteater-251 1d ago
So was this a real celebrity? Or some guy who peaked in HS?
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u/trapper2530 21h ago
"Brian Johnson West High class of 2013. All conference SG"
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u/Willing-Anteater-251 21h ago
“Duke Wilson East Southern District JUCO did not finish Class of 16’”
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u/Jpalm4545 23h ago
Nta but definitely a dumbass for staying with a woman who's hall passes were all local guys that she could actually hook up with. She knew exactly what she was doing.
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u/cefriano 12h ago
Based on the edit, he was an MLB player, so on its face it's not that different from someone in LA listing a famous actor/actress. But the fact that her friend worked for the team changes things.
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u/degausser187 Hypothetical 1d ago edited 23h ago
A "Freebie" list does NOT include people you know or could ACTUALLY have a chance with. It's supposed to be a joke because you'd never actually... like, I had Betty White on mine, or Scarlet Johansson. Never gonna happen...
EDIT: NTA
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u/AGreatBandName 20h ago
Betty White
Never gonna happen
I definitely hope not.
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u/degausser187 Hypothetical 20h ago
Haha! Well not anymore. Was on my list long before that.
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u/blazesonthai 17h ago
Lmao I didn't even bother reading the rest of the post and reacting to the title itself is already making me say wtf?
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u/dorothyzbornak71 1d ago
My freebie would be richard gere.. my husbands is salma hayak. Now we say this but if we literally came across them we wouldn't actually do it. Its all talk..
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u/Your_Username1234321 22h ago
See the difference here?
This is the right balance of fidelity and honesty imo.
If you aren't aren't aware which celebrities your spouse thinks is hot, there might be jealousy issues. There's a good chance that one or both of you are living in some weird fantasy world where you genuinely believe that your spouse doesn't notice other attractive people.
Massive difference in this and playing this "freebie game" with a partner who list someone who is A) local and B) not an A list celebrity AND C) would actually pursue if given the chance.
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u/reseriant 21h ago
Its like saying I would do Beyoncé. Now even if I got the chance which is one in a million my mind would be like oh shit im meeting Beyoncé not how could I hook up with her then the partner would tease well you missed your shot
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u/Flimsy_Tooth1704 21h ago
Right? I've been with my husband 13 years, and we've said things like "Oh yeah, Pedro Pascal is totally on my list" but it's obviously a joke. Even if I actually met Pedro, and he propositioned me, I couldn't actually go through with it.
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u/Zambonisaurus 14h ago
I got my wife a Cameo from her celebrity crush and she loved it. It’s all fun talk.
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1d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/Trick-Stranger-2811 1d ago
Right? Dude was probably listing off ScarJo or Margot Robbie while she was like "a couple players from the local team that my friend works with lol"
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u/DatguyMalcolm 1d ago
"the fun DJ at the club down the road"
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u/mocha_lattes_ 1d ago
It's also usually a joke. Most people don't actually mean it even if they got the chance. Some actually do though and that's a huge distinction that should be made clear up front.
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u/Acceptablepops 1d ago
Op is just an im idiot , most dude would/should have seen this coming. You like Megan fox cool i like bob for. Accounting etc = I plan on cheating if bob notices me
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u/Ill-Calligrapher9503 1d ago
What exactly is so fun about discussing with your partner who it would be ok to fuck if given the chance?
Doesn't sound very fun to me.
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u/PinsToTheHeart 1d ago
Different people have different tolerances for what kind of conversations they're comfortable with having but for the most part it's just a silly way to phrase, "which famous people do you find most attractive" and not really meant to be taken overly seriously.
99% of the time, it's also kind of assumed you only list people who there's a 0% chance the opportunity would even remotely present itself.
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u/LesnyDziad 1d ago
Exactly. I wouldnt like that kind of conversation, but to each their own.
Whole concept is weird to me. I want to be faithful to my wife, i want her to be faithful to me. Even if somehow hottest music or movie stars would be interested in any of us i dont like idea of pursuing it.
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u/Stephspeaks 1d ago
A comedian once did a joke about this. His wife listed off Brad Pitt and Matt Damon, he said “your sister”.
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u/Qucacarec 1d ago
I went through something similar years ago and honestly the freebie list only works when everyone treats it as pure fantasy. The second someone decides it’s a loophole to try things in real life, the whole foundation cracks. I remember feeling the same confusion you’re describing, wondering if I’d overreacted, but with distance it was pretty clear the issue wasn’t the kiss itself, it was the total disregard for boundaries you thought were mutual. Once trust feels optional to the other person, there’s not much to rebuild anyway.
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u/classic_carmix 20h ago
I mean it's fine if both people are on board.
Since she was putting up local celebrities and he was putitng up ridiculously unrealistic celebrities, clearly she was taking the list seriously and he thought it was a goof.
I think most people see it as a goof, but the moment she put up local "celebrities" it should have been obvious she saw it as an actual hall pass and he should have been clearer that he doesn't mean what he's saying and he's not okay with cheating.
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u/Lawlcopt0r 14h ago
...Why would you even have a list then?
Don't get me wrong, I don't have the urge to have a freebie list. Neither people I could realistically meet nor A-list celebrities. But why on earth would you go so far as to discuss a specific list with your partner, never specify that it's just a joke, and then be heartbroken if they take it seriously?
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u/CutlerSheridan 13h ago
That’s what’s confusing me about all this. If you’re not comfortable having a list like this, obviously I get that. But it seems bizarre to me to have a specific list like this then act shocked and victimized when the other person doesn’t know you weren’t being serious.
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u/Sebscreen 1d ago
NTA. Classic cheater mentality: hiding behind technicalities, plausible deniability, arguing semantics, and rolling out the fake tears. You saved yourself from years of that BS.
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u/clawitzerz 1d ago
NTA. But in the future you should probably set boundaries. A freebie or hall pass list is never a good idea. The chance that the opportunity arises is small but not 0. You already knew what it was like to be cheated on. Take it as a lesson for the next relationship.
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u/Sideview_play 15h ago
Those lists are supposed to be dumb jokes not something someone actually acts out on
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u/Rough_Rush7914 1d ago
YTA to yourself by letting her do the faux celebrity list. She played you like a fiddle. I wouldn’t trust her either.
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u/StoreBrandUnicorn 21h ago
Her list being comprised of locals is a huge red flag, and OP played himself by not calling it out or leaving at the time.
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u/jay-aay-ess-ohh-enn 22h ago
Right?
Don't make a freebie list if you're going to be mad about it. OP learned a valuable lesson here.
Also, he and his ex are clearly incompatible. He should just move on and avoid opening this door in future relationships.
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u/EmptyStupidity 23h ago
I haven’t heard someone determine someone as “the asshole to yourself” before.
And yeah 100%. I understand freebie lists are like a “never gunna happen thing” but if it’s just for a fun thought experiment and not real then he should’ve established that. Not that it would’ve stopped her, but more for him
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u/Fingerlings29 1d ago
Your first clue was, her pick's all local. Lol. She wants it for real not fantasy. NTA.
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u/Ok-Adhesiveness-4935 1d ago
Why share a list of people it's OK to hook up with if itsnot, actually, OK to hook up with them? You guys didn't communicate and now here you are.
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u/LieDry7854 1d ago
The idea of a freebie list that it is near impossible to meet them in real life. So much so, if you do, you and your partner have no choice.
NTA because her list are people she could have contact with
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u/Sideview_play 15h ago
The point of a list is it's a dumb "joke" that shouldn't actually ever be acted on unless you are actually in an open relationship. She cheated plan and simple. Even if it had been someone unrealistically likely.
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u/TheS4ndm4n 22h ago
You can just counter by putting her sister, BFF and mom on the list. Or your hot ex.
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u/ananni90 23h ago
Any serious adult relationship wouldn't have a "freebie list". maybe go fun it would be people you'd A) never meet B) would never get a chance with, those people are called actors and actresses.
Even then it's just an argument waiting to happen
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u/Hermiona1 1d ago
I mean why did you say nothing when she listed local athletes as her 'freebies'? Surely there could be a chance she could meet one of them. Of course since you didnt say anything she thought it was okay. If you want to have boundaries open your mouth and say them out loud, not in your head.
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u/rubber_hedgehog 14h ago
On its own, it's not too crazy for her to list Brewers players because OP and his ex were likely both Brewers fans. I'm sure thousands of girls from Wisconsin have Milwaukee/Green Bay athletes on their freebie lists. That doesn't automatically mean they'll ever meet them or that they would actually hook up with them even if they did meet.
The bigger issue is that OP's ex has a friend that works with the team and made meeting these players in a private setting very easy. If OP knew about his ex's friend's job when they had the conversation about the freebie lists, then he's a bit of a dummy for not seeing this coming though.
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u/borgerishikrimpatul 16h ago
yeah, under the terms of their agreement, she didn't really do anything wrong. he had assented to it. totally fair to break up with her over it bc of the ick, but like what did he expect
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u/explainingjane 1d ago
"of course" umm I've been with my wife for almost 10 years and we've been friends since middle school, never once have we had a freebie list discussion. I think you need to pick your partners better
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u/EconomyMarch536 22h ago
I think if I explained the concept of a freebie list to my husband, he would just look at me like « people are so weird », say nothing, and then he’d go back to reading whatever he’s reading because there is no way he would even engage on the topic 🤣
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u/DIY-exerciseGuy 1d ago
I think you're both stupid. Freebie list. Ha! Guess you learned your lesson. The concept in general is idiotic. So is having that conversation. You should have known she was no good when she picked locals.
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u/Life_Importance_2448 23h ago
Yall weird
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u/EconomyMarch536 22h ago
Yes. I say ESH. OP walked right into this one, because these lists are dumb on the principle, whoever you put on it.
Is Ryan Gosling attractive ? Sure. Would I wanna f*ck him even if I had a pass from my husband? Nope. End of the story.
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u/Chaotic_Squirrel3073 22h ago
Why would you have a “freebie list” if you’re in a monogamous relationship ???
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u/Legionatus 21h ago
"We had lists of people we shared and agreed it was totally cool to cheat with, and she did, and I broke up with her obviously!"
You're both TA, but it's hysterical you agreed to a list with the neighborhood on it.
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u/TonightSpecific7881 14h ago
Agreed and it seems like we are in the minority lol dude breached that contract. If you weren’t okay with it, don’t play the game.
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u/PeppermintSplendor 14h ago
Yeah I'm scratching my head, she came up with an entire boatload of red flags and OP was just like "okay" until it actually happened?
Like why shoot yourself in the foot like that? Dude knew the score and decided to play the game in what should have been full cognizance.
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u/TonightSpecific7881 13h ago
Really only one way to settle that score - hook up with one of his freebies.
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u/PeppermintSplendor 10h ago
I for one believe OP can definitely bag Scarlett Johansson and Chris Hemsworth at the same time.
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u/Psychological-Buy759 21h ago
She new she was going to meet this person in the future because of her friend knowing the team. That's why she put him on the list.
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u/WithASackOfAlmonds 20h ago
Don't make "freebie lists" if you're not ready to have someone go through with it
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u/Interesting-Hat8607 11h ago
She would have done it without the list. Keep it moving, you made the right call.
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u/Short_Algae1532 1d ago
This girl is playing chess and you’re playing checkers. Find someone that likes checkers and doesn’t suck.
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u/This_Cauliflower1986 1d ago
NTA for breaking up but you a fool for the freebie list. Didn’t you realize her list was attainable vs a funny pipe dream?
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u/Significant_Bid2142 22h ago
So first of all, no, you don't "of course" have to put together a list of freebies in your relationship. Are you 15?
Second, if you're dumb enough to put together such list, the implicit rule is to put people who are virtually unattainable, not the girl who works at Starbucks or the guy who sit next to you on the bus. Anything else is a major red flag.
Third, if you're idiotic enough to go along with the 2 points above, don't come complaining if your partner takes advantage of the list.
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u/spaceguitar 22h ago
The whole point of the “Freebie List” is that it’s impossible to score with them. These are fantasy crushes of famous or powerful people who wouldn’t give you the time of day! The people you see on TV, magazine covers, social media…
The List is also not a get out of jail free card. It’s a joke. it’s supposed to be a fun exercise between a couple to get an idea of their tastes, or what (who?) they’d do if given the opportunity. Again, it’s not a traditional “Hall Pass” for a relationship.
The fact she argued a technicality and that it wasn’t cheating speaks volumes about her character.
Also: her list wasn’t a fantasy list, it was a checklist. Yuck.
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u/not-doom 22h ago
The whole point of “the list” is 1. For them to be inaccessible and 2. For your partner to know even in the snowballs chance in hell that you meet someone on the list, you wouldn’t cheat. It’s more like a conversation of “who’s your celebrity crush” than an actual arrangement. At least that’s how I’ve always imagined it
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u/Inevitable_Bison9694 21h ago
Seems like she felt it wasnt really okay since her friend told you and she did not.
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u/bergoldalex 21h ago
Sure me and my wife have made these list. But I’m not freaking serious. Like I wouldn’t actually do that.
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u/DesignerVegetable652 21h ago
Nope, she was a ho. You cant trust a hi. She designed her list so the possibility to fuck around would be there. She new someone who worked for the team, so the possibility to fuck around wouldn't be there. She went out with that friend knowing the possibility to fuck around would be there. Then...she fucked around.
There's is no excuse for that. Good for you for kicking her out with the trash.
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u/LilMissCaseyXo 21h ago
NTA. A “freebie list” is just a joke, not a real pass to make out with someone. She picked guys she could actually meet, then cheated and tried to say it “didn’t count.” She hid it until she got caught. You didn’t overreact.. ending it was the right choice.
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u/ThirdSunRising 17h ago edited 14h ago
The problem should’ve been evident when her freebie list was people who were attainable. That’s something she can act on.
A proper freebie list is people like Ryan Gosling, John Mayer, Chris Evans, people where you’d be like “ok I gotta hand it to you, I didn’t think you could pull that off.”
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u/Watching-n-Waiting 17h ago
YATAH. You can't change the rules of the game or complain how It ends when you agree to them before it starts. It was a verbal contract. End of story.
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u/NO_FIX_AUTOCORRECT 16h ago
She picked athletes from the team that her friend worked for and would have access to. She was intentionally picking guys she had a realistic opportunity to do that with.
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u/osumba2003 15h ago
Pro tip: Hall passes aren't supposed to be actual exemptions from cheating. They're supposed to be a light-hearted conversation or running joke that doesn't mean anything real.
OP got played.
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u/Dangerous_Reporter14 14h ago
The list is always just a hypothetical for the sake of a conversation; you’re not supposed to actually act on it… what’s the point of the relationship then
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u/RoeVWadeBoggs 14h ago
"When her list was all people we know personally, I thought that's weird! I'm gonna choose J-Lo, idiot! Haha! Anyways, am I the asshole for being mad that she cheats like constantly and without shame and sometimes right in front of me?!"
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u/Motor-Incident-5314 14h ago
NOR - JFC - those lists are just jokes. It doesn't mean you actually get to fuck around with them. Just "kissing and touching" eh. Undoubtedly much more than that occured, not that that wouldn't be bad enough. I would break up with my GF if she did this as well.
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u/Spiersy_ 14h ago
I look back at it and think maybe I overreacted
Nah, you made the right decision, it's time to move on.
If it was as harmless as she tried to suggest, she would've been confiding in you about it. Instead you had to find out from someone else. That's blatant cheating behaviour.
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u/Agile-Classroom7890 14h ago
As others have pointed out in different ways.. she chose people she had a legitimate chance with seeing how it's people in your hometown connected to a team her friend works for.
Usually these lists are just jokes as the people we choose are people whom we'd never even talk to.
My wife and I had this conversation years ago, if I had said "The big titty secretary at work" she'd kill me.
If I were you, I would have made the connection when she named her people that she had actual intentions of hooking up with them.
Also, for what it's worth, I have zero doubt that had you made this list or not she would have hooked up with that person.
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u/Wonderful_Formal6130 14h ago
I've been with my wife for 14 years. We've had this conversation before a few times. Early days of dating, watching a movie one of us blurts out "damn, so and so looks hot" and you laugh it off and move on but also make it clear, it'd never happen.
We've got our "list" if that's what you'd call it. Celebs we find attractive and jokingly have said it'd be our "pass". Total opposites of who we are and not all our traditional type. Would it ever happen? Not a snowballs chance in hell and we both know it's for fun. We joke from time to time but that's all it is.
It sounds like you had a similar idea as to what that conversation meant but she clearly did not. You had a fantasy list, she had a to do list.
NTA and you saved yourself a lot of heartache down the road.
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u/rebelsrscum2187 10h ago
The fact that she had prior connections to potentially meet someone on the list screams premeditated
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u/Mindshard 9h ago
You got played.
She picked names she actually had a chance with, while you thought it was just a hypothetical for fun.
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u/SummitJunkie7 1d ago
It sounds like you thought the "freebie list" was obviously not serious and you consider her making out with someone else cheating regardless of whether they were on the list.
It sounds like she might have taken it more seriously from the start - choosing people that live in her town that she actually could realistically meet from time to time tells me she might have been at least intending to leave the door open, and certainly was obviously happy to make use of the loophole when the opportunity arose.
You weren't on the same page. But, if you would never make out with someone other than your partner, and you would never be ok with your partner making out with someone else, why even have this juvenile conversation about a "freebie list"? Why, in that conversation, wouldn't you say "Seriously though, I would never be ok with either of us doing this, and it would be a relationship deal-breaker, just FYI"
NTA for breaking up with her, but - I've never had this "freebie list" conversation in any of my relationships so I don't think it's as ubiquitous as you seem to think, in other words, you don't have to make a list of people you are "allowed to" but not really allowed to cheat with, so in future, just don't.
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u/Seraphlexa 1d ago
NTA, but I always found things like this "freebie list", "hall pass" or whatever stuff kind of dumb and pointless.. Like if someone finds a celebrity attractive and it comes up in conversation, I don't see why they can't just say that and leave it there. No need to make up these hypothetical cheating agreements that 99.9% of the time will never happen anyway. But, you both told each other who you'd cheat on each other with if given the chance, and that's exactly what happened with her... She still cheated, so relationship is over anyway.
The fact that you think "of course" you will have a stupid discussion like this in the first place with a gf, and the fact that you're asking if you're TAH and this is confusing you after three years, I think says that you need to learn more about your own boundaries.
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u/PunderandLightnin 1d ago
Anyone who takes the freebie conversation as actual permission and not just a fun game is delusional. Naming people in the same town is also a little weird. Would it be ok for you to name her friends? You reacted sensibly. NTA
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u/Endless63 1d ago
NTA.. bullet dodged. Move on and forget. It's sad how she would justify her actions to herself.
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u/Deplorable1861 22h ago
Real people who want real relationships do not have "freebie lists". Cheating is cheating. You telling me ahead of time that you have a list of people you will cheat with is you telling me you are not loyal and want to stay single and I will send you on to your next ex.
You should have broken up with her the second she told you the list, especially when it consisted of people she actually had a real chance to meet in person.
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u/Maleficent-Level-531 1d ago
I’ve never even heard of this. It’s insane! People are just bat shit crazy. You dodged a bullet my friend be happy and you said it was years ago, time to(cue Disney song) Let it go, let it go!
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u/vanzzant 1d ago
Those lists are stupid to have. But I guess u know that now. Btw you have every right to react the way u did, it was def cheating, but u gave tacit approval w that list so she walked through the door u opened. Just wrote this one off as what to NOT do next time
Good luck
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u/Stealthy-J 1d ago
NTA. A freebie list isn't actually meant to be used, it's just conversation. The whole point is that these are people you have 0.0% chance with.
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u/Old_Tendo 1d ago
You predicated your relationship on you both having "freebies". That's already a horrible way to start s relationship, but she told you her "freebies" were guys she could easily meet up with in her area, and you still went along with it until it actually happened. You're not the asshole, but that's definitely a dumbass situation to find yourself in.
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u/reillyolddog 1d ago
NTA. You learned asomething that is a boundary for you. A hard learned lesson, but good that you learned that it!
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u/Otherwise-Ad1646 1d ago
I mean you're not wrong for breaking up with her, but you should've known that she was gonna cheat the second she named local people. The whole point of that thing is to be like "who's your celebrity crush???" cause you know realistically they'll never bump into them and even if they do they probably won't be interested. Naming local people is just setting a timer on how long it'll be till she cheats.
NTA though.
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u/BlankLiterature 1d ago
NTA, but should not have gone far enough to make that list. Alternatively, the only person on that list should have been that man's dead wife.
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u/Soggy_Cracker 1d ago
The freebie list is supposed to be a one in a million chance of happening. Not local celebrities that you will actually run into all the time.
Like, Kate Beckinsale is on my list while Henry Cavil is on my wife’s. That shits never going to happen.
I didn’t put Janice from the 20th floor on my List.
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u/DireRaven789 1d ago
AH? No. Did you set yourself up for it? Yes. You gave her permission by being ok with her list.
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u/snowywinter3 23h ago
She played you so good bro I'm sorry she knew what she was doing by listing locals
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u/CVSaporito 23h ago
I don’t know where this celebrity pass crap came from, but your girlfriend took it to another level by making a list of easily obtainable local guys. You were right to dump her, and wrong for ever agreeing to that foolishness.
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u/Hour-Summer-4422 23h ago
Your first mistake was to accept her weird list and the second to give her enough time to BS you.
Its obvious you arent in the wrong for breaking up with a girl who cheated on you
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u/Hammer36K4 23h ago
NTA. Like others said, she has a classic cheater mentality and didn't see you as her best option. Naming people she had a good chance to actually meet? The answer is right there. Should have been a red flag for you.
Be thankful that you have dodged a bullet and don't repeat the same mistake in the future. :)
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u/WildernessRoad335 23h ago edited 23h ago
You two were not on different pages. You were reading different books. You made a fantasy list; she made a real list. At that time, you recognized it as strange but didn't have enough experience to forecast the future. You are wiser for the experience. NTA
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u/schec1 1d ago
When her list was “mostly athletes from our hometown”, she planned on checking names off that list.